And the lights came on...

As I was leaving the gym tonight, I found myself in a mopey mood. I don't really know why, but I just didn't feel myself. I made my way to the little white toyota camry I borrowed from my parents (my car is almost out of gas, and I didn't feel like stopping tonight) and started the car for the 6 minute drive home. I noticed the inside of my car was pretty dark, but I didn't think too much of it.

I was making my way down Division in the left lane when a creepy man tried to pull his suburban right up beside me. When I got into the left turn lane, he pulled close to the line and I stayed a bit farther back to avoid making any annoying eye contact. I just didn't feel like communicating with anyone at the moment, even non-verbally. Still annoyed and even grumpier, I quickly turned left at the signal.

Well, I made my way up the little side street, and after one little hill I saw bright flashing red and blue lights in my rear-view mirror. Now, at first I thought the vehicle just needed to get by me, but of course he pulled up right on my tail and stopped.  That's right- I was being pulled over! Immediately I panicked. I turned off the radio, grabbed my wallet... and the tears began to flow. I fiddled with the window for quite a while until I finally figured out how to get it down as the car was still quite dark. By the time the officer reached my window, I was already a wreck. I had my debit card in my hand (yeah- what on earth was I thinking?!?! It was the first card I reached for out of my wallet) and was basically bawling at this point. He could see I was pretty confused, and gently said, "All I need is your licence and registration." I quickly traded my debit card for my license and began searching frantically for the registration within the glove-box. I started to explain this was my parents' car, and I didn't know where the registration was. He didn't seem to want the owner's manual for the little toyota....

He calmly asked if everything was okay as the tears continued to pour from my eyes. I assured him that I was just really tired. "Officer, I've never been pulled over," I managed to squeak out through tears, "I don't know what to do." My mind blurred as I pictured myself being escorted to jail as a thief of some boring white camry. Where the heck was the registration??

"Is there a reason your lights aren't on?" he said with a slight smile.

"Um.. what?" I stuttered as I searched around the steering wheel for a way to turn them on. "Oh, I thought it was awfully dark in here..." I managed to whimper. That's it- he must think this is stolen if I can't even find the stinkin lights!

The officer carefully reached his hand through the window and twisted the left knob on the little stick thing  protruding form the steering wheel until my headlights finally appeared. "You feel pretty silly now, don't you?" he mocked lightly. "Yes, I feel very silly... I'm so sorry," I continued to mumble.

For about the eightieth time he asked if I was okay. Now embarassment was falling from my eyes in liquid form- ceaselessly. He finally ended by urging, "just pull yourself together before you get back on the road." After he returned to his car, I sat stunned, unsure if I was allowed to drive away or not. He was the first to pull out after a short bit of time, and I continued choking back tears, attempting to pull myself together. I drove the rest of the way home at least 5 miles under the speed limit with my eyes glued to the road, hands shaking as I tried to grip the wheel confidently. It's over. You didn't get arrested. You didn't get a ticket. You didn't even get a harsh warning from the officer! Girl, you better not let that happen again, I sternly told myself.

Words of reprimand continued to flood my thoughts as I swore never to do anything "silly" again. I could feel myself spiraling down a never-ending path of self-destruction. You deserved to get a ticket... or worse... don't ever do anything like that again! I let myself soak in embarassment, fearful anyone would ever find out of this horrible experience.

Then, the lights came on in my own head. Kristina, why do you take things SO seriously?? Come on now, that whole incident was pretty funny... Laugh if off! You're probably going to do several more stupid things in your life, so you better learn to deal with it in a healthy way! Tears are often your first reaction, but are they really necessary?? You're FINE!

Yes, I will do many more "silly" things in my life, I'm sure... and I'll probably shed a few more tears. But by God's grace, the lights will continue to come on, and I'll keep stepping out of this skewed view of a perfect reality... inch by inch. I will likely react with tears in many more cases, but perhaps they will dissolve even faster next time. I refuse to allow myself to miss out on the joys of life by wallowing in a pit of inwardly-focused despair.

Don't get caught in the dark. But when you do, embrace the light when you see it flicker.

Influence

"I am a flower quickly fading... here today and gone tomorrow... a wave tossed in the ocean... a vapor in the wind..."

A few days ago a lady came into work who vividly reminded of a friend who passed away in February. I almost did a double take, but I the thought's of DS's death flooded my memory soon enough. I've been babysitting her kids the past 3 or 4 years, and the news of brain cancer last November (a year and a half ago) shocked everyone. She was one of THE SWEETEST women I have ever met. Her grace towards her kids, her gentle spirit, her encouraging smile, and her calming presence made an impact on my life more than she will ever know. Especially when I'm with her kids, I find myself asking, "How would D have handled this situation? Would she have been as harsh as me? Are my words as soft and kind as hers? Are my actions as loving as she would have demonstrated?"

Now, I wouldn't say that I was especially close to her, but she was one of those people who made you feel special no matter how well she knew you. Even when I was having a bad day, I could walk into her house and feel loved... appreciated... accepted. How did someone's presence cast off such a beautiful light?(metaphorically of course... but she always was quite tan haha). How did she leave such an impact on my life? She's one of those people I really wish I had a chance to get to know better. But I'm grateful for the time we did have.

The lines at the top of a page are from one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns (I can't remember the name right now, but I'll check later... maybe it's called "Who am I"?). the songs speaks of our lives being only a tiny glimpses in all of eternity- we're here one day and gone the next. Discouraging? Perhaps a little.
However, our legacy lives. DS's body is in the grave, but the impact she had while alive lingers with those she knew. I want to have the kind of influence on others that she had on me, even in the short time I was blessed to know her.

A speaker at a leadership camp I once attended shared a short story I will never forget; she was talking about her recently deceased son and the influence he had on others. When describing his friendships, she said something to the effect of, "he treated everyone as if they were his best friend." Ok, at first I thought this was a bit extreme...but then I thought about how I try and treat my best friends- with openness, acceptance, genuine care, understanding, loyalty, faithfulness, compassion, encouragement, love... why not treat everyone this way?? (well, go easy on the openness I guess- it's probably not the best idea to unleash all your problems on every stranger you meet!) Shouldn't we view everyone with the non-judgemental eyes of Christ, with a heart seeking to know them for who they are, and a gracious spirit of acceptance of love?

When I think of why DS influenced my life in such a profound way, I realize it was because she couldn't help it. God gushed from within her. The love she showed was not of her own- she simply poured out the love of the Holy Spirit who so vibrantly lived in her thoughts, words, and actions. Influence does not necessarily come from spending a great deal of time with someone. I think it can just as easily come from living out a life of love and embracing others just as they are. Yes, our time is short (especially in the scheme of eternity), but influence is not confined to the physical time in which our bodies are alive. So don't be afraid of leaving this earth- live so your influence will last.

Humble Confidence

Option one: Prideful "Confidence."
Pride can so easily get in the way of how we live. The need to perform better than others, to puff ourselves up and fan our feathers. I often get caught up comparing myself to others for the sake of making myself feel better. Why do we need to boast about our accomplishments, our grades, our althetic endeavors, our experiences? Is is really because we think we're "all that"? Nope. It's cause we know we're Not! Well, generally... I guess a few truly prideful people exist in the world, but it often stems from insecurity. The desire to appear better than others in order to gain approval is a dangerous trap leading to a downward spiral of over emphasis of what others think along with a skewed view of oneself. But, we all do it. Trying to appear confident while really appearing prideful only drives others away.

Option two: "Humble" Self-doubt.
So many times I've forced myself to run from the pridful way of thought, but I end up putting myself down or wallowing in lack of confidence. I don't think I'm worth much. I don't have faith in my abilities, gifts, or strengths. The mask of humily is only hiding self-doubt. I have thought this is better than pride, but really isn't it the same? Both ways discount who I really am- in Christ. This way just makes me feel like I'm at least trying to be a "good person." Sadly, this humble self-doubt also drives others away- no one wants to be around a downer!

Option three: "Humble Confidence"
So, there's gotta be a nice middle ground. Why is it so easy to either focus on your own weaknesses or your strengths but never a proper balance of the two? (Ok, well at least I haven't figured out the happy medium, but I'm open to whatever secret formula you've come up with!) God has really been challenging me with the term "humble confidence" these past few months, but I've yet to fully grasp the intangible concept. I hate vagueness. Just give me a clear-cut formula, and I'll take it from there. Ah, but we're not called to a religion of formulaic processes to achieve holiness. We're called to faith. If Jesus only came to show us how to live, why then did he have to die?

"I have confidence, my Lord's gonna see me through... no matter what the case may be, my Lord, my Lord's gonna face it with me"
This was a catchy little song I would sing with my cheerleading squad right before we hit the floor for a dance or competition (yes, I was a cheerleader haha shocking, right?). I love how the song says that the reason for our confidence comes from knowing God will be by our side, not from knowing we are fully capable on our own. Perhaps "humble confidence" means humbly recognizing your confidence is found completely in the awesomeness of our Lord.

 God, teach me humble confidence so I can find my complete worth in YOU.

Movement

On my way to the Linguistics building multiple times a week, I cross a path over a small stagnant stream (it probably has a name unbeknownst to be). It's surrounded by tall old growth trees and an abundance of foliage but it looks absolute dead! The murky, unmoving water shaded by a canopy of trees provides no life. I've never seen a duck anywhere near it, nor any squirrels coming up to it for a refreshing splash (do they even do that??).  The so-called-stream is merely a pit of water fostering growth of algae, fungi, and other gross substances. Dark. Rank. Lifeless. 


Earlier this year I was struck by fear, What if that's me? Do I appear dead in my faith to others? Have I become a complacent, unmoving, stagnant Christian so far away from the head water supply that I simply sit in the shade and sulk? God, don't let this be me!


Now, I don't often walk on this path when in bad weather (I take the paved way and stop for a coffee of course), but one day I was running late and needed to use the short-cut. As I carefully made my way down the hill toward the stream I suddenly stopped, remembering my recent comparison of this stream to a stagnant Christian. Today the water was different; I noticed movement! The soft splashing of raindrops from above vibrantly shot countless ripples throughout the water. It was alive, moving, and beautiful even on the rainy day. In fact,  it needed an overhead source of water for the stagnant stream to move!


I'm not always a fan of rain, but today it was lovely! Then I was struck again, When I am stagnant, God sometimes uses painful processes to refresh me. Sunshine is nice, but rain causes movement. 


God has often used uncomfortable and even painful circumstances in my life to re-ignite my heart for Him, similar to the rain bringing movement to the stagnant water (alright, it's not the best analogy... but it kinda works, right?) So embrace the rain- and find refreshment in our Lord's faithfulness.

Accept love

Today I have been overwhelmed by the immense amount of love poured out on me! My family and friends have gone above and beyond to make my 20th birthday a special day =). 


In the midst of all the attention, of which I'm not a fan, I've found myself almost discouraged and saddened... so weird, right??  I couldn't explain it for the longest time, but something finally clicked. God just reminded me of something very important: it's okay to accept love! The fact that I feel undeserving of the love doesn't discount its reality. Also, refusing to accept love (fully) is not an act of humility but an offensive gesture toward the one striving to show love! 


So many times I've even pushed away God's love with the misconstrued notion that I'm doing the right thing and living humbly by not accepting it. Or I'll "accept" it but continue in a heretical mindset of seeking to prove my worth by performing good deeds, acts of service... anything to prove to myself and others that I deserve to be loved. But I don't. And that doesn't even matter!!!! GOD IS LOVE; he loves me for who HE IS, not for what I have done. 
(this reminds me of one of my currently favorite songs by JJ Heller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk)


One of my favorite passages to share with others at the end of cards, emails, or random notes is Ephesians 3:17-19: "... And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how WIDE and LONG and HIGH and DEEP is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." How often do I let that verse sink into my soul, especially when it's paralleled to 1 John 4:8, "God is love"? 


Do I deserve God's love? Absolutely not
Should this prevent me from accepting His love? Absolutely not


We can humbly, boldly, and unashamedly accept the love of God (and others), not as a means to appeal to our personal feelings, but as a declaration of His perfect character, ultimately bringing Him glory. 

Bear fruit: love

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples" John 15:8


As Christians, we're called to live like Christ, to love others, to bear fruit... but we don't... at least not always. A girl in one of my classes today very boldy proclaimed she is not a Christian (I'm not sure why she's paying so much money to come to a Christian school), and criticized the students for not trying to convert her. She said many students know she's not a Christian, but hardly anyone has shared the Gospel with her! To her, Christians are apathetic "do-gooders" who focus too much on personally growing closer to Christ and not enough about reaching out to others. This was a bit offensive at first, and class' first response (along with mine) was to defend ourselves, giving examples of how we do participate in social justice and local outreach. However, I had to stop and ask myself if I really do care about seeing other meet Jesus. If so, why am I afraid to "rock the boat" and share my faith???


Yes, I'm afraid of sounding foolish, looking silly, losing friends... but I'm mostly afraid of leaving a bad taste of Christianity in someone's mouth or falsely representing the Gospel. Um, excuse me, Kristina, but can't God work past that? Do you really think he can only use perfectly articulate and spiritually mature people? Think again!


So, we're clearly called to "bear fruit," but what does that exactly look like? It doesn't necessarily mean "convert X number of people" (think of Jesus' words in John 4:37, "one sows and another reaps"), but perhaps it simply means that we should love others. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure he means this considering he says, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you" in verse 12 of chapter 15 =). I'm not exactly sure how this love translates into visible fruit, but then again, we don't always get to see the fruits of our labor....


I'm encouraged, though, that love is part of the Fruit of the SPIRIT! So.... it can't be up to us to force love out of us! Let's just cling to Christ, claim the power of His Spirit, and humbly move forward in Him. God puts us in situations (i.e. going to school with people who don't know Him!) where we need only to open our eyes and see people as God sees them. With the Holy Spirit living in us, we can't help but bear fruit: love.

Be Dependent on God.

"Chances are if you place yourself in the River, you'll consistently get wet"- LM


Such a seemingly obvious statement, yet, we sometimes live counter to this. This week at the River, LM challenged us to ask ourselves if we're living out what it means to be dependent on God. Jeremiah 17:7-8, John 15, and (I forgot the other passage) present analogies of trees/vines to describe what it means live out dependency on Christ. If we're rooted in Him, or if we "remain in Him" (John 15), we will be fully equipped to face the stress of school, family, finances, relationships, work....


So how do we do this? How do we practically live out dependency? How do we put ourselves in a place to get wet?


TALK. We talk to our friends all the time! Why is this different with God? Do we forget he knows our innermost being, our every excitement, concern, doubt, and fear? Just talk to him- at all times, in all places, about all things. Well, duh! But I've been challenged to ask myself if I really live life talking to God constantly. As 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I don't talk because I'm afraid of admitting I need help, I'm embarrassed for what I've done, or I'm consumed with the distractions around me. God can handle all of that, and He wants me to talk with Him.

LISTEN. If we don't set aside time to listen, how will grow? How many friendships do you have where you feel like the other person never listens to you? Are you really friends then? Why not listen to God's voice- we'll hear it, as Jesus said, "my sheep hear my voice" (John 10:27). I know God has a plan for me, but for some reason I still try and do it all on my own! 
Navel gazing.... one of my teachers in high school referred to the negative, self-centered, all-consuming focus on difficulties you're facing right at this moment as navel gazing. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor. 4:18). If we would only get our eyes off of ourselves for two seconds and fixed back on Christ, our perspective would change. The situation might not, but we will be able to move forward with our eyes fixed on Jesus, ready to hear his voice. 

GO. God doesn't call us to a life of stagnant complacency. He calls us into action saying, “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) Denying ourselves, not living for ourselves; taking up our cross, not expecting life to be easy; and following him, not trying to find the way on our own. This verse is a call to move forward humbly, depending on God completely for sustenance, comfort, and direction. We know we can trust Him, so why don't we just go with him? He'll lead us into the river, into deep relationship with Him.


Today, I want to sit at Jesus' feet talking to Him and listening to his voice. Then I want to go wherever he leads me- living fully dependent on Him. Let's go.