First Impressions

I've been thinking a lot about how I view others... I try not to be a judgemental person, but what does that mean anyway? Isn't it natural to make judgements (or to form opinions) based on a person's actions, words, body language, and so on? I mean, you can't really help but form an opinion, right? (good or bad) And how do first impressions relate to being judgemental? Are they as important as people make them out to be? How often has a first impression of someone you've met proven to be an accurate depiction of their true character? 

In my opinion, first impressions are important because they shape your bias. They don't completely shape your long-term definition of a person, but they certainly shape the way you view them from the get-go. Can first impressions change? Nope (you can't go back and develop a new FIRST impression.. duh). But your opinion of a person can, of course, change over time as you get to know someone more.

I'm struggling, however, with the difference between simply forming an opinion about another individual versus being judgemental (in the negative sense) towards someone. It seems to me that being judgemental entails more of "putting someone in a box," limiting your view of their capabilities, determining what they can or cannot do by their current circumstances or past reputation.... Forming an opinion of someone, on the other hand, has more to do with settling on a description of the person's character and personality based on his or her actions. 

So back to the thing about first impressions. Too many times I've allowed first impressions to negatively shape not only how I view a person but how I interact with them for an extended period of time, perhaps as long as I've known them. Thoughts such as this person didn't grow up the same way I did so of course we'll never be friends have resulted in vacant friendships. In hope of being "guarded" I've ended up acting better than others rather than seeing them as Christ sees them. On the flip side, thoughts like this person is way too cool to ever be friends with me have deterred me from meeting some great people. I've allowed myself to be overly intimidated by my view of others, while calling this "humility," and haven't accepted their friendship. These approaches result in feelings of both pride and worthlessness within myself and towards others.

First impressions certainly have a place and can't really be avoided, but I've come to the point where I realize I cannot put too much weight on them. How much is too much? I have no idea. But I'm confident that by keeping a a balance of an open mind and guardedness, I will meet people and develop friendships that I would have missed out on otherwise. There isn't some magic formula on what that balance is, so I will move forward in caution and courage nonetheless.

Want a friend? Be a friend first. 

Somebody to Love??

I'm a huge Queen fan (thanks, Mom!), and I've always liked their song Somebody to Love. Recently, though, I've seen/heard it in a new light...

I have a bit of a confession =) Normally I don't watch TV, let alone watch ridiculous shows... but I have unfortunately watched every episode of this season's bachelorette! Haha! Sadly, I made the mistake of watching the first episode a few weeks ago (or whenever it came out), and I've been hooked ever since. Before I spit out too many negative remarks, I do want to recognize that I can only perceive the cast as the producers present them. I'm sure there are some wonderful individuals among the show's cast, and I don't mean to judge any of them too harshly. However, the way the are presented and the values emphasized in the show tend to rub me the wrong way. I'm sorry if I come across as incredibly rude (and don't think I'm judging you if you watch the show either haha it's certainly entertaining)!

Anyway... all that preface to say I really don't like the show!  How it portrays love, the emphasis on appearances, the shallowness of what it values... it's all so empty.

I knew I should have turned it off after episode 1. After watching the young woman meet 25 single men and hearing the cast evaluate each other's appearances time after time after time, I was struck by the narrowness of the criteria (both of the bachelorette and her suitors). Not one cast member failed to mention physical appearance of the others, expect the creeper who wore a black mask for the first week or two (I get what he was trying to do, but I'm not sure if he went about it in an appropriate manner). Ultimately, it seemed to be a fairly superficial first episode, but I just had to watch the next one =).

As the show progressed, I saw the individuals unguardedly begin to "fall for each other" and allow themselves to get swept away solely by emotion. Each individual seemed to be looking for "true love" but ultimately defined love as a warm, fuzzy feeling. I've yet to hear anyone mention respect, commitment, integrity, understanding, or even faithfulness as valuable aspects of a future relationship. They just want to FEEL a connection.

The tricky thing with a feeling, though, is that it will undoubtedly fade or change over time. You cannot base your life on how you feel- it's not fair to you or to others around you. Are feelings important? Yes! Should we be sensitive to them (both of ourselves and of others)? Of course! But let's not let them supersede reality, truth, or wisdom. (I don't really want to get in to the logistics of trusting our feelings or not... it still boggles my brain. I don't believe there is an accurate cookie cutter answer lol but here I go getting super side-tracked again. Thank for your patience)!

Back to the bachelorette... as I watched both group dates and one-on-ones, the depth of the relationships saddened me. It really doesn't seem like the girl is getting to know the true character of her bachelors nor are the men seeing the bachelorette for who she truly is. Even while going through an emotionally exhausting few weeks, the bachelorette shied away from sharing the reality of her pain with anyone else (okay, well, I might instinctively do the same so I'm not trying to judge... at the same time, though, I don't see how you can expect to get to know someone else unless you first become a bit vulnerable yourself). It almost seems like the viewers know the cast better than they know each other! And the bachelorette is really looking for a ring at the end of this brief season? Is she that desperate to find "true love" and "settle down with that special someone"? It kinda seems like she might be rushing things a bit!

As I've watched myself get sucked into this show, I've been challenged to re-evaluate how I define love. Am I really wanting God to bring into my life someone for me to love, or am I simply searching for someone to love me. Until I can honestly answer the first part with a definite yes, I'm not ready to meet that "special someone."I will never be able to find another human who will be able to love me unconditionally exactly for who I am (sheesh I can't even love myself for who I truly am so I could never expect someone else to!), yet part of me is still looking to be loved rather than to love. Deep down, I know that I can confidently rest in the truth that I will always be loved by my Creator... I don't NEED unconditional love from another finite being. I'm loved enough as it is =). Now, I just have to live that out.

Perhaps I will eventually seek to love another as my Lord loves me, knowing only through Christ in me can I show true love. Someday, I just might find somebody to love.

Life doesn't stop

Don't you sometimes wish there was a "pause" button on life?? Those times you want to enjoy the sunset for a few more minutes, or watch the clock stay at 7:15 while you sip your coffee for a whole hour, or even so you can linger a little longer with a loved one just enjoying each other's company? If only you could press "pause" every once in a while and just be. If only.

But, life doesn't work like that. Time keeps going, you keep breathing, and that far-off hour quickly becomes a distant memory. Life doesn't stop.

So, it seems like we have two options:
1. Fight the fact that time keeps moving
2. Choose to rest in the chaos.

If you go with option one, you'll likely become a pretty stressed out individual. I've tried to resist the phenomenon of time progression either by living my life to a scheduled mess (which is miserable) or by mentally and emotionally checking out with things get rough (this doesn't change reality and only adds to long-term stress). When I fall into the routine of scheduling every hour of my day, I miss out on enjoying each moment! (Who really needs to get up at 7:13 am on the dot just so they can spend 37 minutes getting ready and leave at exactly the right time to make it to the coffee shop by precisely 8:09 to be out the door and on to the next thing by 8:15??? That's a bit overkill, hey? And exaggerated, mind you). When I live for my day-planner, I forget to really live.

And then there are those times where I just check out altogether... the stress of homework, friends, family, work, finances, the future... become way too overwhelming when they're piled on top of one another. So, I bail. I lose all confidence that God is giving me the strength to persevere so I quit caring. When I go this route, everyone gets hurt. I get depressed, my family and friends feel neglected, and every task seems outrageously difficult. All reasonable perspective dissipates, and things rapidly spiral downward. Regardless of if I'm "checking out" or obsessing over every detail, I'm fighting the God-ordained beauty of time. Clearly option one is a fail.

So, what's option two? Resting in the chaos- whatever does That mean?? (Um, FYI, I don't exactly have the answer... wheels are turning, though... so, please think through it with me). I want to start by going back to one of my favorite passages- Psalm 46 (yes, I wrote about this is my first blog, but I'm just a big fan! And it's such an applicable passage! Bear with me lol I just included the whole passage for easy reference this time...)
Psalm 46
¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam    and the mountains quake with their surging.
 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Now, just take a look at all those italicized phrases- just a tad bit stressful, wouldn't you say? Yet, in even those times of intense chaos, we can choose to stop and be still... knowing that God is God and forever in control. I can't forget that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness (as in 2 Cor. 12:9; I know, I sound like a broken record, but I love this verse too!!!).

But the phrase "resting in chaos" seems to entail more than just head knowledge that it will be okay... or even more than an unrealistic happy-go-lucky attitude... there needs to be some form of positive physical and mental action that takes place. "Rest" is not another form of "checking out"- rather, it entails a re-alignment of perspective, a re-examination of what's truly important, and a re-focus of joy. like how one definition put it, "to be at ease, to have tranquility or peace" (and I would like to add, "regardless of circumstances"). While I can't pause life or even slow situations down, I can allow my mind, heart, and soul to rest in the hand of my Savior... choosing peace even in the turmoils of this time-bound life that never stops.

Addicted to ____

Just a couple of days ago I decided to start off the day with a DECAF coffee!!! My dad was giving me a bad time about needing coffee every morning, and I tried to tell him I just like the taste... I wasn't addicted to the caffeine or anything... It's not like I needed to have it to make it through the day. I just liked it!

So I enjoyed a nice cup of decaf coffee and headed off to work. About two hours into work I started suffering from a splitting headache! Now, this was no minor head pain... I thought either my eyes were going to permanently cross or my head would drop off my neck! At first I thought I just needed some water, but then it hit me- Ahhh I need coffee!!!!!! Just pump the caffeine straight into my blood, and I'll be fine.

I considered taking my lunch early so I could run over to Starbucks (now that's desperation!), but a co-worker was kind enough to get a girly frappuccino for me on his lunch (thank you!!!!). As I rapidly gulped it down, I kept adding hot coffee from the store pot to get my caffeine fix. With every frantic drink, the realization of my addiction sunk in deeper and deeper. Wasn't I just bragging that very morning about not being addicted to coffee?? And here I was desperate for the energy-giving, headache-quenching, bank-breaking, live-saving liquid! You're officially a caffeine adict, Kristina, face it!

It's funny how addictions slowly creep up on you. One day you're moderately endulging in an activity (unhealthy or not) and the next day you feel like you'll surely die if you can't have it/do it/see it/hear it... whatever IT may be. Webster defines "addiction" as follows:
1: the quality or state of being addicted (duh)

2: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction

So, the word generally has a negative connotation, but can it be positive? Well, I suppose you could be addicted to things like reading, running, eating apples... things that won't cause harm to you or others... but is having any addiction really GOOD??

My initial answer was a quick "no, addictions aren't good. ever." I thought that any sort of addiction (whether harmful or not) simply reveals lack of self-control and exposes personal weakness. If you need something to get you through the day, it must be bad. You should only need to rely on yourself.

But I thought about it a little more.... and if I have to rely on MYSELF, I'll fail. I just can't do it! I drive too fast, run over curbs, stumble over my words, get annoyed with others, speak harmfully, live selfishly, make unwise decisions, face insecurities and constant self-doubt... I need something other than myself to rely on (caffeine won't cut it either). God, I pray that something will be YOU.

Basically if I follow Webster's suggestion and define addiction as a "compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal" then what am I addicted to?  Oh how I want to be able to answer the question with, "loving Jesus and loving others." But what if it's not? Do I truly live every day as if I'm addicted to Jesus??

Sadly... no. For some reason, it's easy to get caught in the mindset that I am all I need, even when I know I'm not enough. I love how Paul describes this paradox in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He got it! Sometimes we get caught living contrary to what we want (or what the Holy Spirit living within us wants). And ya know what? God loves us anyway. =) Just let that sink in for a minute. The Lord of the universe, the One who made you and holds you together, the One who knows when you sit down and when you stand up, the One who gave you specific passions, desires, and dreams... LOVES YOU... and demonstrated his love by dying for you, raising from the dead, defeating sin, and offering to live in you for the rest of time. Is that addiction? No, that's love.

So what are you addicted to?

God, I pray you will instill a passion within me to love you and to love others. Make me addicted to YOU always.

Learning from Little Ones

Mark 10:13-16 "People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them."

This passage was always special when I was a child, but it's even more profound now that I'm older. Oh, to see the world through the eyes of a 5-year-old! Their scope of time, satisfaction in little things (like silly faces or funny noises), dependence on others... we have a lot we can learn from little ones. I just spent over 3 hours babysitting a little girl who was completely entertained by her imagination alone! Her array of "sisters" and friends all over the house, the different planets she was from, the variety of languages she spoke (including cotton-candy and Texas!), and the amount of time she could spent dancing in one room to her own music just amazed me! She didn't need to be watching a movie, playing a board game, or even doing a craft to have fun. She found joy in being herself.

I remember an hour feeling like a lifetime when I was little. And one whole day- well that was an eternity! Now, I'm constantly checking my schedule tyring to remember what I have planned next... I frequently forget to stop and just be. The little kids I know don't often discuss their upcoming agenda... they do relate humorous stories of the past few days or things they saw an hour earlier, but they don't constantly await the next thing on their to-do list. They just enjoy the moment! I love the phrase Carpe Diem ("seize the day"), but it's almost counterintuitive to actually live with this mindset (at least for me... it's probably easy for some to take this idea to the other exteme and only "live in the moment" without having any concept of future consquences). Which side do you fall on?

Tonight I was also reminded to find joy in little things. One funny face or slightest hint of an alien voice and S burst into hysterical laughter! It often takes a little more than that to make me laugh. Now, I'm not saying we should all have a 5-year-old's sense of humor, but perhaps we could at least appreciate the joy that kids find in the silliest of things (even when we don't find them funny). I'm learning to enjoy watching others laugh and be encouraged by their outward display of inward joy... I often get annoyed when people laugh at things I don't think are necessarily funny, but maybe I could just be glad they are having a good time and personally find joy in their satisfaction.

Back to the verses, though... one application of this passage relates to our willingness to be dependent. Kids know they need help reaching the cup, tying their shoes, brushing their teeth, remembering their homework... and they aren't afraid to ask for help. Of course, they will/should exercise more and more indepence as they grow, but they aren't afraid of relying on someone else. They don't see it as a sign of weakness as we do. I think there's a difference in knowing your limitations and being wise about asking for guidance versus allowing yourself to wallow in selfish dependence on others for things you are capable of doing.

Well, I could ramble for a lot longer, but I won't. Remember... if you haven't spent any time around children lately, you should! We can learn from everyone!

Complaining

Recently I've noticed that I've been complaining a lot! It's terrible!!!! About the weather... being tired... not being able to do something... over and over I complain. It's getting annoying to me, so I can't imagine how bothersome I am to others! (friends and family, please forgive me- and slap me next time I'm whining! seriously!)

Just a couple days ago I was grumbling about the rain, and God nudged me to consider Joplin, Missouri. Whew was that a slap in the face or what!? Here I am facing some rain and chilly "winds" while inside my still-standing home with my family by my side... and I'm complaining. Now, that's embarassing! But why do I (dare I say "we") frequently do this??

The answer is often in perspective. When we fix our eyes on the things two feet in front of us, it's easy to lose sight of the big picture. I too quickly forget about the other 6 billion (plus) people on the planet! There's always someone worse off than us (now, that's not to discount personal pain and suffering... just remember you're not alone).

Ya know that glass half empty/half full analogy? One side is the optimist, one side is the pessimist... both sides are realists. And who do you like to spend more time with?? (Here's where you answer "optimist;" it's a rhetorical question....) So combat complaining with a little perspective and a splash of optimism! And remind me to do the same =)

Silence

I often hate silence. Stillness, solitude, empty air. It all bothers me (most of the time). 

I always have music on when I'm driving, I talk out-loud to myself constantly, I make tapping noises just for the sake of filling the silence, and I'm notorious for humming any random tune nearly all the time. 

Why?? Why can't I just sit calmly in silence, soaking up the pleasure of each passing second? Why does there always have to be noise?

Part of it could be fear of boredom. I strongly dislike feeling like I'm wasting time. So for some reason, I must think that by filling the silence, I'm actually doing something with my time. (I see the fallaciousness of this thought process, but my sub-conscience does not....). Or it could be that I start to over-think everything when I'm sitting in silence. My mind often naturally fixates itself on the negatives (fears, what-ifs, worst scenarios...) when it's left on its own. I like the distractions that noises bring. 

But sometimes, I like silence. Or the soft sounds silence reveals. 

The gentle movement of the wind, the buzzing of my computer, a distant car driving by.... beautiful reminders that complete silence doesn't exist. Silence is perceived only when the mind tunes out the rest of the world. Noises don't necessarily stop, but your ears sometimes cease hearing them. "Silence" reminds you sounds always exists.