Fear

Thought-distorting, 

Vision-blurring,

All-consuming Fear

Seeps into the mind of her prey,

Constricting every ounce of Courage around.

After lying dormant in the depths of the darkness, 

Fear is aroused.

She steals Joy.

She squanders Peace. 

And she silences all of Reason's voice

Instantly.

Slipping into every thought and emotion,

Fear proceeds to grow exponentially,

Feigning Truth as she manipulates her victim.

Fuelled by Doubt, Worry, and Deceit,

She burns her mark on everything.

The time for victory has arrived,

The wounds she creates cannot be repaired.

Fear not only lives in the present,

She's foreshadowed in the future

And reflected in the past.

She cannot be removed.

Until Love arrives. 

Thought-repairing,

Vision-clearing,

All-consuming Love

Breaks through the barriers of her beloved,

Casting Fear to her death. 

Love is here to stay. 

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

Honey Bucket

Every time I'm driving and I see a Honey Bucket (outhouse) on the side of the road, I just have to chuckle. HONEY BUCKET?? Really? That phrase makes for such a gross picture in my head, I can't even tell you. But, I do suppose it's clever euphemism.


Have you ever felt like a honey bucket yourself? (Don't over-think that one, please!) I just mean... have you ever tried to put on a sweet external facade when inside you're melting with fear, bursting with anger, or just wanting to collapse? Hiding your true emotions from people who care about you is one of the most frustrating things to try and do... so why do we do it so often?


Fear of rejection? Inner turmoil? Negative self-deprecation? Embarrassment? I could probably keep going for there isn't one answer all the time. But none of the answers are good reasons; they're real, yes, but not good. (Okay the only one I can come up with that's acceptable- politeness... I understand there are some times it's necessary to put on a professional front when you're falling apart inside... but right now I'm talking about why aren't we real with people who know us and care about us?) There are even times I peg people as untrustworthy, but I think this can be just another excuse. More often than not, fear of vulnerability is deeper rooted... especially with close friends who I know I can trust. 


It seems to come down to lack of something. I've heard it called many things- loving yourself, being happy with who you are, personal acceptance... but I've never really liked any of those terms. There will always be things I dislike about myself and seek to change/grow in, so the satisfaction of self must go deeper than personality and character (things that are dynamic).


To me, it makes more sense to identify the thing missing as self-worth. From where you gather this self-worth, however, varies. As a Christian, I am able to find unchanging self-worth in the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. I know how unworthy I am as an individual apart from Christ (my rebellious heart, destructive thoughts, harmful actions), but I also know I don't have to be identified by my sinful nature.


Paul beautifully addresses this paradox in Romans 8: 9-17.... 
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."


If you didn't read all of that, the jist is that identification with Christ by means of the Holy Spirit brings life. Grab on to the reigns of worth attached directly to the author of Life.


Oh how there are times where I feel like I'm rotting inside... and in these times I dare not let anyone in. My head screams with pain trying to escape while my face protects a smile; a lifted chin and pulled back shoulders attempt to hide a crying heart. I cling to the honey-bucket of my old self rather than claiming present identity in my Savior. 


When I hold fast to Jesus, I have no excuse to hide behind a smile. There is no fear, embarrassment, or disappointment when I see myself as God sees me- covered by the blood of the Lamb, righteous and pure in Him. 

Stop and Smell the Roses

Today on my way to an early babysitting job, I saw a hardcore runner on the side of the road. With sweat dripping down his face and muscles flexing throughout his spandex-stricken legs, I knew this guy was the real deal (did I mention it was before 7:00 am?? Hardcore, right?!). However, he was not running as I drove by. Instead, he was stopped in the midst of a neighbor's lawn... just smelling their roses... Now, when I go running, it's not uncommon for me to stop randomly for any kind of distraction- just for the sake of stopping! This guy, though, didn't appear to practice the art of stalling as I so often do. But for some reason, he considered these roses to be reason enough to stop. The joy found through a couple sniffs of nature's potpourri was worth the brief pause.

I guess I haven't thought about the phrase, "stop and smell the roses," in a while (probably because I rarely heed that advice). But the extremely literal analogy the roses-smelling runner provided this morning challenged me to re-evaluate how I can apply that phrase to my life.

I've written before about "being still," but I'm realizing what you do with that stillness is important too. I think at times I've used that desire to be still as an excuse to do nothing (at least nothing of any value to me or to others), but being still most definitely does not need to mean wasting time. Why not use the time of stillness as a time to reflect on personal challenges or growth, ponder how to edify others, focus on positive goals for the future, face inner struggles you haven't really wanted to face, or just chat it up with Jesus? You can't ever fully turn your mind off, but you can always turn it toward something good.

Times of rest don't need to be used in vain... instead of just stopping, why not stop and do something? Clearly not something physically exhausting (you can still REST), but something that will bring you and others joy.... like smelling roses =)

First Impressions

I've been thinking a lot about how I view others... I try not to be a judgemental person, but what does that mean anyway? Isn't it natural to make judgements (or to form opinions) based on a person's actions, words, body language, and so on? I mean, you can't really help but form an opinion, right? (good or bad) And how do first impressions relate to being judgemental? Are they as important as people make them out to be? How often has a first impression of someone you've met proven to be an accurate depiction of their true character? 

In my opinion, first impressions are important because they shape your bias. They don't completely shape your long-term definition of a person, but they certainly shape the way you view them from the get-go. Can first impressions change? Nope (you can't go back and develop a new FIRST impression.. duh). But your opinion of a person can, of course, change over time as you get to know someone more.

I'm struggling, however, with the difference between simply forming an opinion about another individual versus being judgemental (in the negative sense) towards someone. It seems to me that being judgemental entails more of "putting someone in a box," limiting your view of their capabilities, determining what they can or cannot do by their current circumstances or past reputation.... Forming an opinion of someone, on the other hand, has more to do with settling on a description of the person's character and personality based on his or her actions. 

So back to the thing about first impressions. Too many times I've allowed first impressions to negatively shape not only how I view a person but how I interact with them for an extended period of time, perhaps as long as I've known them. Thoughts such as this person didn't grow up the same way I did so of course we'll never be friends have resulted in vacant friendships. In hope of being "guarded" I've ended up acting better than others rather than seeing them as Christ sees them. On the flip side, thoughts like this person is way too cool to ever be friends with me have deterred me from meeting some great people. I've allowed myself to be overly intimidated by my view of others, while calling this "humility," and haven't accepted their friendship. These approaches result in feelings of both pride and worthlessness within myself and towards others.

First impressions certainly have a place and can't really be avoided, but I've come to the point where I realize I cannot put too much weight on them. How much is too much? I have no idea. But I'm confident that by keeping a a balance of an open mind and guardedness, I will meet people and develop friendships that I would have missed out on otherwise. There isn't some magic formula on what that balance is, so I will move forward in caution and courage nonetheless.

Want a friend? Be a friend first. 

Somebody to Love??

I'm a huge Queen fan (thanks, Mom!), and I've always liked their song Somebody to Love. Recently, though, I've seen/heard it in a new light...

I have a bit of a confession =) Normally I don't watch TV, let alone watch ridiculous shows... but I have unfortunately watched every episode of this season's bachelorette! Haha! Sadly, I made the mistake of watching the first episode a few weeks ago (or whenever it came out), and I've been hooked ever since. Before I spit out too many negative remarks, I do want to recognize that I can only perceive the cast as the producers present them. I'm sure there are some wonderful individuals among the show's cast, and I don't mean to judge any of them too harshly. However, the way the are presented and the values emphasized in the show tend to rub me the wrong way. I'm sorry if I come across as incredibly rude (and don't think I'm judging you if you watch the show either haha it's certainly entertaining)!

Anyway... all that preface to say I really don't like the show!  How it portrays love, the emphasis on appearances, the shallowness of what it values... it's all so empty.

I knew I should have turned it off after episode 1. After watching the young woman meet 25 single men and hearing the cast evaluate each other's appearances time after time after time, I was struck by the narrowness of the criteria (both of the bachelorette and her suitors). Not one cast member failed to mention physical appearance of the others, expect the creeper who wore a black mask for the first week or two (I get what he was trying to do, but I'm not sure if he went about it in an appropriate manner). Ultimately, it seemed to be a fairly superficial first episode, but I just had to watch the next one =).

As the show progressed, I saw the individuals unguardedly begin to "fall for each other" and allow themselves to get swept away solely by emotion. Each individual seemed to be looking for "true love" but ultimately defined love as a warm, fuzzy feeling. I've yet to hear anyone mention respect, commitment, integrity, understanding, or even faithfulness as valuable aspects of a future relationship. They just want to FEEL a connection.

The tricky thing with a feeling, though, is that it will undoubtedly fade or change over time. You cannot base your life on how you feel- it's not fair to you or to others around you. Are feelings important? Yes! Should we be sensitive to them (both of ourselves and of others)? Of course! But let's not let them supersede reality, truth, or wisdom. (I don't really want to get in to the logistics of trusting our feelings or not... it still boggles my brain. I don't believe there is an accurate cookie cutter answer lol but here I go getting super side-tracked again. Thank for your patience)!

Back to the bachelorette... as I watched both group dates and one-on-ones, the depth of the relationships saddened me. It really doesn't seem like the girl is getting to know the true character of her bachelors nor are the men seeing the bachelorette for who she truly is. Even while going through an emotionally exhausting few weeks, the bachelorette shied away from sharing the reality of her pain with anyone else (okay, well, I might instinctively do the same so I'm not trying to judge... at the same time, though, I don't see how you can expect to get to know someone else unless you first become a bit vulnerable yourself). It almost seems like the viewers know the cast better than they know each other! And the bachelorette is really looking for a ring at the end of this brief season? Is she that desperate to find "true love" and "settle down with that special someone"? It kinda seems like she might be rushing things a bit!

As I've watched myself get sucked into this show, I've been challenged to re-evaluate how I define love. Am I really wanting God to bring into my life someone for me to love, or am I simply searching for someone to love me. Until I can honestly answer the first part with a definite yes, I'm not ready to meet that "special someone."I will never be able to find another human who will be able to love me unconditionally exactly for who I am (sheesh I can't even love myself for who I truly am so I could never expect someone else to!), yet part of me is still looking to be loved rather than to love. Deep down, I know that I can confidently rest in the truth that I will always be loved by my Creator... I don't NEED unconditional love from another finite being. I'm loved enough as it is =). Now, I just have to live that out.

Perhaps I will eventually seek to love another as my Lord loves me, knowing only through Christ in me can I show true love. Someday, I just might find somebody to love.

Life doesn't stop

Don't you sometimes wish there was a "pause" button on life?? Those times you want to enjoy the sunset for a few more minutes, or watch the clock stay at 7:15 while you sip your coffee for a whole hour, or even so you can linger a little longer with a loved one just enjoying each other's company? If only you could press "pause" every once in a while and just be. If only.

But, life doesn't work like that. Time keeps going, you keep breathing, and that far-off hour quickly becomes a distant memory. Life doesn't stop.

So, it seems like we have two options:
1. Fight the fact that time keeps moving
2. Choose to rest in the chaos.

If you go with option one, you'll likely become a pretty stressed out individual. I've tried to resist the phenomenon of time progression either by living my life to a scheduled mess (which is miserable) or by mentally and emotionally checking out with things get rough (this doesn't change reality and only adds to long-term stress). When I fall into the routine of scheduling every hour of my day, I miss out on enjoying each moment! (Who really needs to get up at 7:13 am on the dot just so they can spend 37 minutes getting ready and leave at exactly the right time to make it to the coffee shop by precisely 8:09 to be out the door and on to the next thing by 8:15??? That's a bit overkill, hey? And exaggerated, mind you). When I live for my day-planner, I forget to really live.

And then there are those times where I just check out altogether... the stress of homework, friends, family, work, finances, the future... become way too overwhelming when they're piled on top of one another. So, I bail. I lose all confidence that God is giving me the strength to persevere so I quit caring. When I go this route, everyone gets hurt. I get depressed, my family and friends feel neglected, and every task seems outrageously difficult. All reasonable perspective dissipates, and things rapidly spiral downward. Regardless of if I'm "checking out" or obsessing over every detail, I'm fighting the God-ordained beauty of time. Clearly option one is a fail.

So, what's option two? Resting in the chaos- whatever does That mean?? (Um, FYI, I don't exactly have the answer... wheels are turning, though... so, please think through it with me). I want to start by going back to one of my favorite passages- Psalm 46 (yes, I wrote about this is my first blog, but I'm just a big fan! And it's such an applicable passage! Bear with me lol I just included the whole passage for easy reference this time...)
Psalm 46
¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam    and the mountains quake with their surging.
 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Now, just take a look at all those italicized phrases- just a tad bit stressful, wouldn't you say? Yet, in even those times of intense chaos, we can choose to stop and be still... knowing that God is God and forever in control. I can't forget that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness (as in 2 Cor. 12:9; I know, I sound like a broken record, but I love this verse too!!!).

But the phrase "resting in chaos" seems to entail more than just head knowledge that it will be okay... or even more than an unrealistic happy-go-lucky attitude... there needs to be some form of positive physical and mental action that takes place. "Rest" is not another form of "checking out"- rather, it entails a re-alignment of perspective, a re-examination of what's truly important, and a re-focus of joy. like how one definition put it, "to be at ease, to have tranquility or peace" (and I would like to add, "regardless of circumstances"). While I can't pause life or even slow situations down, I can allow my mind, heart, and soul to rest in the hand of my Savior... choosing peace even in the turmoils of this time-bound life that never stops.

Addicted to ____

Just a couple of days ago I decided to start off the day with a DECAF coffee!!! My dad was giving me a bad time about needing coffee every morning, and I tried to tell him I just like the taste... I wasn't addicted to the caffeine or anything... It's not like I needed to have it to make it through the day. I just liked it!

So I enjoyed a nice cup of decaf coffee and headed off to work. About two hours into work I started suffering from a splitting headache! Now, this was no minor head pain... I thought either my eyes were going to permanently cross or my head would drop off my neck! At first I thought I just needed some water, but then it hit me- Ahhh I need coffee!!!!!! Just pump the caffeine straight into my blood, and I'll be fine.

I considered taking my lunch early so I could run over to Starbucks (now that's desperation!), but a co-worker was kind enough to get a girly frappuccino for me on his lunch (thank you!!!!). As I rapidly gulped it down, I kept adding hot coffee from the store pot to get my caffeine fix. With every frantic drink, the realization of my addiction sunk in deeper and deeper. Wasn't I just bragging that very morning about not being addicted to coffee?? And here I was desperate for the energy-giving, headache-quenching, bank-breaking, live-saving liquid! You're officially a caffeine adict, Kristina, face it!

It's funny how addictions slowly creep up on you. One day you're moderately endulging in an activity (unhealthy or not) and the next day you feel like you'll surely die if you can't have it/do it/see it/hear it... whatever IT may be. Webster defines "addiction" as follows:
1: the quality or state of being addicted (duh)

2: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction

So, the word generally has a negative connotation, but can it be positive? Well, I suppose you could be addicted to things like reading, running, eating apples... things that won't cause harm to you or others... but is having any addiction really GOOD??

My initial answer was a quick "no, addictions aren't good. ever." I thought that any sort of addiction (whether harmful or not) simply reveals lack of self-control and exposes personal weakness. If you need something to get you through the day, it must be bad. You should only need to rely on yourself.

But I thought about it a little more.... and if I have to rely on MYSELF, I'll fail. I just can't do it! I drive too fast, run over curbs, stumble over my words, get annoyed with others, speak harmfully, live selfishly, make unwise decisions, face insecurities and constant self-doubt... I need something other than myself to rely on (caffeine won't cut it either). God, I pray that something will be YOU.

Basically if I follow Webster's suggestion and define addiction as a "compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal" then what am I addicted to?  Oh how I want to be able to answer the question with, "loving Jesus and loving others." But what if it's not? Do I truly live every day as if I'm addicted to Jesus??

Sadly... no. For some reason, it's easy to get caught in the mindset that I am all I need, even when I know I'm not enough. I love how Paul describes this paradox in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He got it! Sometimes we get caught living contrary to what we want (or what the Holy Spirit living within us wants). And ya know what? God loves us anyway. =) Just let that sink in for a minute. The Lord of the universe, the One who made you and holds you together, the One who knows when you sit down and when you stand up, the One who gave you specific passions, desires, and dreams... LOVES YOU... and demonstrated his love by dying for you, raising from the dead, defeating sin, and offering to live in you for the rest of time. Is that addiction? No, that's love.

So what are you addicted to?

God, I pray you will instill a passion within me to love you and to love others. Make me addicted to YOU always.