If you see me around often, it won't come as a surprise that I have one particular pair of shoes I rather enjoy wearing... chances are i'll have them on any day of the week, every season, regardless of the rest of the outfit... can you guess?? Think Texas (yes, I secretly want to marry a cowboy haha). That's right... my brown, worn out cowboy boots! Scuffed, faded, peeling sole... yet I relentlessly refuse retire them.
People ask me why I'm so committed to them. The two shoes have clearly served their duty and are ready for a rest in the back of the closet. But I can't bear to let them go (I actually have another pair of the exact same shoes I've been saving for when the current pair gets the boot, but they're just hanging out in the box... patiently awaiting their showtime haha). I've been wrestling with why exactly I won't give the first pair up. No sentimental memories are attached to them, they weren't purchased anywhere special, and they certainly don't have an outstanding timelessness or beauty! But still, they haven't let me down yet.
Constant... Steadfast... Faithful...
In one of my classes, an interesting question was posed to the students. I use "interesting" not because I hadn't heard the question before, but because of the context in which it was presented. After attempting to dialoguing with the class about how God has been defined and perceived over the ages, beginning with the first Yahweh worshippers (Hebrew people who eventually became the people of Israel) and continuing into today's modern context, my professor reminded us of the unavoidable tension between God's incomparable, transcendent nature and His desire to reveal himself to us. We can't come to terms with who God is, at least not in his entirety.
"The real God is greater than the God of the Bible," emerged from his mouth to taunt a skeptical class of Bible-believing Christians. Is that a heretical statement? Not necessarily. My professor's point was that, although the Bible points us in the right direction towards understanding the depth of who God is, it doesn't enable us to grasp the full concept. We just can't. I actually find this refreshing! If I could understand and conceive of all aspects of God, he wouldn't be God. Furthermore, we can't just pick and choose the attributes of God we like and don't like... elevating one above another would present an inaccurate portrayal of who his is. Failure to recognize the vastness of who He is results in human elevation along with the potential of worshipping something other than God! Anyway... back to the "interesting question."
After going into detail about God's transcendent, inconceivable nature, my professor transitioned to asking, "What's the most important attribute of God?" Um, didn't we just establish that we can't actually describe God; we can't choose one attribute over another? Yes... but... God is a personal being who reveals himself to us individually and invites us to engage in relationship with Him. We wants us to know who he is. Herein lies the tension, but the beauty shines forth.
So the question can, perhaps, be re-worded into "what has God revealed about himself to me that has significance and particular weight in my life?"Not "what's the best thing about God for everyone at all times and in all situations?" but "what is God showing me about himself?"
Faithfulness.
In the same way I take delight in the consistent presence of my beloved old brown boots, I rejoice in the steadfastness of my Lord... even in the midst of intense anxiety, fear, sadness, and stress, nothing can separate me from his love (Romans 8:38, 39). Although I may turn in shame of my disobedience and wickedness, nowhere I run will hide me from his presence (Psalm 139:7-10). He is faithful when I am not (2 Tim 2:13). And, oh, am I ever thankful my faithfulness (or lack thereof) does not affect the faithfulness of my God!
No analogies are perfect (and there's a whole slew of dangers in comparing God to a pair of shoes! I'm really not getting at that! haha) but I can't help but smile when I think of how faithfully my cowboy boots have been my 'sole' companions for the past few years... then, when I consider the incredible faithfulness demonstrated by God, that smile can't help but awaken peace and joy from within me. I take comfort in the complexity and transcendent nature of God, but for now, I find rest in knowing his faithfulness revealed to me. From this, I walk forward into knowing more and more of who he is. From this, I am compelled to walk in love.
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations," Deut. 7:9
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Resolved.
Less than a week of the semester has passed, and I'm already experiencing anxious anticipation of the months looming ahead. "Don't over-extend yourself... give yourself a break... don't try and do too much..." I've heard it all before, but I don't always listen. Well, at least not to the point where a change is made.
As my giant 4-quadrant wall calendar has shifted in resemblance to a color-coded checkerboard of due dates, meetings, and events, feelings of fear and excitement mingle amidst my thoughts of the upcoming months. How will everything possibly get done?? Who really knows, but it will. It always does... somehow.
Constantly convincing myself that it'll be okay works for a time, but even this becomes a tedious task. Repetition. Monotonous drones. Time and time again. I tell myself it'll be okay. I know it will.
But is that enough? Am I content to merely "make it through" the days and weeks that threaten to clog my life with things to do? Not at all! I'm committed to enjoying life, not just getting by. Beauty arises in picturesque moments of cascading snow from above... smiles and laughter fill rooms with inescapable life... phone calls from home, car rides with friends, profound lines in a book, sweet smells in the kitchen... each elicit enjoyment of life in their own right. These must be savored.
Caffeine will likely be a constant companion, but the busyness of life will not steal my joy. I have resolved to stop, to breath, to love life... moreover, I have resolved to enjoy my Lord forever.
As my giant 4-quadrant wall calendar has shifted in resemblance to a color-coded checkerboard of due dates, meetings, and events, feelings of fear and excitement mingle amidst my thoughts of the upcoming months. How will everything possibly get done?? Who really knows, but it will. It always does... somehow.
Constantly convincing myself that it'll be okay works for a time, but even this becomes a tedious task. Repetition. Monotonous drones. Time and time again. I tell myself it'll be okay. I know it will.
But is that enough? Am I content to merely "make it through" the days and weeks that threaten to clog my life with things to do? Not at all! I'm committed to enjoying life, not just getting by. Beauty arises in picturesque moments of cascading snow from above... smiles and laughter fill rooms with inescapable life... phone calls from home, car rides with friends, profound lines in a book, sweet smells in the kitchen... each elicit enjoyment of life in their own right. These must be savored.
Caffeine will likely be a constant companion, but the busyness of life will not steal my joy. I have resolved to stop, to breath, to love life... moreover, I have resolved to enjoy my Lord forever.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Giver, not the Gifts.
The transition into a new year inevitably beckons reflection on the old. As I mull over the happenings of 2011, feelings of joy, sorrow, disappointment, elation, pain, anxiety, peace, satisfaction... tumble within my heart and erupt in an overflow of thankfulness. A thankfulness emerges for both the trialling and the trifling, the sorrows and the joys, the pain and the growth... the beauty of God's grace amidst it all.
2011 was a gift.
One of the strongest aspects of that gift was the people who appeared in my life. Whether by briefly touching my heart or stamping a lasting seal of friendship, my life has been changed through God's generous gift of relationships. With some, our lives only crossed for a moment before the Lord set our paths on different trajectories... their impact, however, will linger within my memory. With others, the memories we've shared will only propel us into future experiences, connecting us in the coming years. Regardless of how shallow or intimate they have been, the depth to the variety of relationships has left lasting imprints on my life.
Moreover, those relationships have awakened my eyes, mind, and heart to knowing my Lord deeper and fuller. The gifts he've lavished upon me would not be true gifts unless they pointed me towards him. I must continue worshiping the Giver rather than the gifts, lest I commit idolatry. When my satisfaction lingers on the blessings alone, I miss out on experiencing deeper joy in my Lord.
May the desire of my heart not be to seek joy; may it be to enjoy God forever, the infinitely glorious Giver of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).
2011 was a gift.
One of the strongest aspects of that gift was the people who appeared in my life. Whether by briefly touching my heart or stamping a lasting seal of friendship, my life has been changed through God's generous gift of relationships. With some, our lives only crossed for a moment before the Lord set our paths on different trajectories... their impact, however, will linger within my memory. With others, the memories we've shared will only propel us into future experiences, connecting us in the coming years. Regardless of how shallow or intimate they have been, the depth to the variety of relationships has left lasting imprints on my life.
Moreover, those relationships have awakened my eyes, mind, and heart to knowing my Lord deeper and fuller. The gifts he've lavished upon me would not be true gifts unless they pointed me towards him. I must continue worshiping the Giver rather than the gifts, lest I commit idolatry. When my satisfaction lingers on the blessings alone, I miss out on experiencing deeper joy in my Lord.
May the desire of my heart not be to seek joy; may it be to enjoy God forever, the infinitely glorious Giver of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).
Monday, December 26, 2011
Walls
Walls
Hand-crafted bricks
Meticulously sculpted.
Adhered with tears,
A seal too strong to break.
Each one is placed
Next to another.
Stacked side by side
No light between the cracks
Soon height increases
And width expands
Once a few bricks
Now a strong wall
Emerges.
Built to stand firm
Unscathed, unmoved
Intended never to fall
The rough, calloused texture
Of the cemented stones
Threatens to proclaim
The ugliness of the wall
Then appears thick, white paint
To hide the hideous bricks
And deceitfully appear
Beautiful
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sagebrush
Mid-way through October, I was blessed with the opportunity to go with a group of sixth grade students to Central Oregon. If you know me, it's no surprise that I had been anticipating this trip since June! When any opportunity arises that combines spending time teaching kids with the aroma of juniper trees and sagebrush (I'll come back to this, but I hope you know it's one of the most incredible smells ever), I will never be able to say no... top it off with a break from the stress of school and you've got a recipe for a great time!
I loved every minute of the trip... from waking up at 5:15 am to chat around the campfire with some awesome Counselors... to cramming 30+ tired, dirty campers on a bus ringing with melodious camp and worship songs (almost always sung off-tune)... to hiking up and down multiple trails, identifying trees, imagining what it was like to be an original Pioneer coming across the Oregon Trail... I wouldn't trade the week for anything.
While on the trip, I was overwhelmed with how much I enjoyed the break. A break from myself.
Rather than focusing on everything I have to do for school, I was able to step back and pour into others. I'm at the point of grave annoyance with how self-focused I am during school. It shouldn't have to be that way! I just can't figure out how to get around it.... No matter how much I try and pour myself into other people, at the end of the day, I'm stuck thinking about all I have to do (for myself) the next day. Yes, there are ways to be involved and reach out to others even while in school, but I feel a lingering tension that I can't get past... I know I'm not explaining it very well (and I probably just sound like the most selfish person, but I feel almost trapped in a box of self-centerdness while I'm at school.
Now, back to the sagebrush... If you haven't had the opportunity to inhale the aroma of this fragrant little plant, you must. Seriously. On several occasions over the course of the few days, I remembered to stuff several small branches into the pockets of my coat. A few from the banks of the Deschutes, a couple from around the campground, and a handful from the park at Sisters just for good measure. However, I completely forgot to remove them from my pockets before they reached their dry, crumbly stage... and for this I am ever so grateful!
Every time I use my coat pockets as an attempt to warm my hands from the chilling October air, tiny particles of sagebrush-scented fumes permeate the skin of my fingers and latch on to the surface of my hands. And every time I remove my hands from the fragrant pockets, the sweet smell of sagebrush sweeps through the air, leaving a smile on my face. I can't help but be filled with happiness, even if the moment is brief. It makes me wonder... how can I be that breath of joy to others? How can I bless others like sagebrush blesses me (as silly as that sounds)?
Maybe it's not about constantly doing things for others (I'm not down-playing this, only questioning if this is realistic and healthy). Could it possibly have more to do with just being? Being a refreshing presence, an encouragement... I know that sounds vague, but let's just go with it for a bit. The broken, crumbly branch of sagebrush is not producing any sweet scent at this point, it's simply just hanging out in my pocket. Because it's not connected to the original plant, it will eventually cease smelling good altogether. I don't want that to be me. But what about the rest of the branches (the lucky ones that didn't get plucked from the living plant))... they will continue to produce a wonderful aroma because they're connected to the source. They need only to be.. but they must be in relation to the living plant.
If I want to be a blessing to others, I have to recognize that I must be connected to Christ. I am nothing by a broken, crumbly branch on my own. However, his fragrant aroma can escape through me if I am alive in him... and then I can just be sagebrush.
I loved every minute of the trip... from waking up at 5:15 am to chat around the campfire with some awesome Counselors... to cramming 30+ tired, dirty campers on a bus ringing with melodious camp and worship songs (almost always sung off-tune)... to hiking up and down multiple trails, identifying trees, imagining what it was like to be an original Pioneer coming across the Oregon Trail... I wouldn't trade the week for anything.
While on the trip, I was overwhelmed with how much I enjoyed the break. A break from myself.
Rather than focusing on everything I have to do for school, I was able to step back and pour into others. I'm at the point of grave annoyance with how self-focused I am during school. It shouldn't have to be that way! I just can't figure out how to get around it.... No matter how much I try and pour myself into other people, at the end of the day, I'm stuck thinking about all I have to do (for myself) the next day. Yes, there are ways to be involved and reach out to others even while in school, but I feel a lingering tension that I can't get past... I know I'm not explaining it very well (and I probably just sound like the most selfish person, but I feel almost trapped in a box of self-centerdness while I'm at school.
Now, back to the sagebrush... If you haven't had the opportunity to inhale the aroma of this fragrant little plant, you must. Seriously. On several occasions over the course of the few days, I remembered to stuff several small branches into the pockets of my coat. A few from the banks of the Deschutes, a couple from around the campground, and a handful from the park at Sisters just for good measure. However, I completely forgot to remove them from my pockets before they reached their dry, crumbly stage... and for this I am ever so grateful!
Every time I use my coat pockets as an attempt to warm my hands from the chilling October air, tiny particles of sagebrush-scented fumes permeate the skin of my fingers and latch on to the surface of my hands. And every time I remove my hands from the fragrant pockets, the sweet smell of sagebrush sweeps through the air, leaving a smile on my face. I can't help but be filled with happiness, even if the moment is brief. It makes me wonder... how can I be that breath of joy to others? How can I bless others like sagebrush blesses me (as silly as that sounds)?
Maybe it's not about constantly doing things for others (I'm not down-playing this, only questioning if this is realistic and healthy). Could it possibly have more to do with just being? Being a refreshing presence, an encouragement... I know that sounds vague, but let's just go with it for a bit. The broken, crumbly branch of sagebrush is not producing any sweet scent at this point, it's simply just hanging out in my pocket. Because it's not connected to the original plant, it will eventually cease smelling good altogether. I don't want that to be me. But what about the rest of the branches (the lucky ones that didn't get plucked from the living plant))... they will continue to produce a wonderful aroma because they're connected to the source. They need only to be.. but they must be in relation to the living plant.
If I want to be a blessing to others, I have to recognize that I must be connected to Christ. I am nothing by a broken, crumbly branch on my own. However, his fragrant aroma can escape through me if I am alive in him... and then I can just be sagebrush.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Two-Word Challenge
Recently I've felt that almost every conversation I've had with friends, family, professors, mentors, even the checkout lady at the grocery store has been thickly coated with frustration, exhaustion, weariness, and negativity. I am getting more and more annoyed with how frequently I complain (and this probably sounds like I'm complaining about complaining haha so sorry!). Why is it so easy to get hung up on the negatives?! Seriously, I'm embarrassed to admit how much I complain! The verbal complaints, however, are merely a reflection of the negative focus inside me.
And that needs to change.
I remember a challenge once posed to me by a high school teacher.... it revolved around the idea of saying two little words as a way to refocus thoughts and change perspective....
These two words? "Thank you!"
My class and I were encouraged to reconsider the value of these words in regards not only to the one receiving the thanks, but in how they affect the one giving thanks. It's easy to emphasize the importance of thanking someone who deserves to be thanked, to giving thanks when things are pleasant, and to be thankful for the blessings that have been abundantly poured out upon you, but it's a little bit more difficult to say "thank you" when things don't seem to be going your way. What would happen if you were to be thankful in all situations? How would saying these words affect personal perspective?
And that needs to change.
I remember a challenge once posed to me by a high school teacher.... it revolved around the idea of saying two little words as a way to refocus thoughts and change perspective....
These two words? "Thank you!"
My class and I were encouraged to reconsider the value of these words in regards not only to the one receiving the thanks, but in how they affect the one giving thanks. It's easy to emphasize the importance of thanking someone who deserves to be thanked, to giving thanks when things are pleasant, and to be thankful for the blessings that have been abundantly poured out upon you, but it's a little bit more difficult to say "thank you" when things don't seem to be going your way. What would happen if you were to be thankful in all situations? How would saying these words affect personal perspective?
I vividly remember the first day I took this challenge of first saying "thank you" as a response to any situation... I woke up determined to be thankful for everything. Easy enough! I even stopped for coffee on the way to school so I would be sure to have a great day :)
Well, right as I was pulling my car away (coffee cup balanced precariously in my hands as I struggled to steer safely), a good amount of hot, caffeinated liquid sloshed out of my handy dandy travel mug all over my lap! My instincts prompted me toward frustration- it's hot!!! And there's no time to go home and change! This is gonna be a GREAT day now! But a little flag went of in my head reminding me of my "thankful" vow earlier that morning. Seriously? This is dumb. I have no reason to be thankful for my coffee spilling, I thought to myself.... Sure you do- now you'll smell like coffee all day! That's one of your favorite smells, right? It's perfect, combatted the stubbornness within me, not wanting to fail so early on. A little smirk made its way to my face, and the two words reshaped my thoughts... I went throughout the rest of my day full of genuine optimism, ready to challenge each situation with a "thank you."
So, perhaps it's time to pick up this challenge again... It provides a cool way of being optimistic without sacrificing realism. Every time I say those two simple words, I find my perspective immediately changes. The situation doesn't change necessarily, but attitude does. Instead of allowing my thoughts to fixate on things that are bothering me, fears that are distracting me, or daunting tasks ahead of me, I can shift my thoughts toward things for which I can be thankful. They is always something!!!! I have a feeling that as soon as I start looking for them, I'll see more and more...
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise..." Philippians 4:8, NLT
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Running
"What are you running from?"
Such a common question to be faced with when someone catches you (or you catch yourself) running from fears, challenges, frustrations.... I do think this is an important question to ask and to be asked, but perhaps there is an even greater question that should be asked as well...
Let's start with the first one, though :) "What are you running from?" Internal conflict? Suppressed fear of failure? Insecurity? Financial stresses? Family tension? Negative circumstances? Encouragement? Vulnerability? Advice? The list goes on.... everyone has run from something at some point in their life... I've looked back on how I've lived and have undoubtedly run from a wide array of pressures, both positive and negative. Yes, I've run from fear of imperfection, but I've also run from support of friends. I've run from experiencing sorrow, and I've run from encouragement. It's definitely important to recognize these things and deal with them appropriately, but it shouldn't stop there.
What is perhaps even more important is "what are you running to?"
When you run, you often have a destination... even if it's not pre-determined, it's arguably still in existence. A finish line exists even if you don't see it until you get there. For some, that goal is destructive.... for others it is repairing. In my own life I've allowed myself to run "without a destination," but the place in which I arrive almost always has negative repercussions. In running from pain, I've landed in bitterness. In running from advice, I've ended up in brokenness. I really don't think it's possible to run without a destination, even if you intend to run forever. You eventually stop, and that becomes the destination.
Maybe it's not necessarily bad to run from something as long as the destination is positive. (And by positive, I mean the destination will help you address what you were running from in the first place). For example, when you run from pain, why not run to peace that will penetrate the sorrow and provide healing? Or when you run from tension, why not run to wisdom that will enable you to deal with the tension appropriately? Maybe running isn't bad as long as you're heading in the right place...
Such a common question to be faced with when someone catches you (or you catch yourself) running from fears, challenges, frustrations.... I do think this is an important question to ask and to be asked, but perhaps there is an even greater question that should be asked as well...
Let's start with the first one, though :) "What are you running from?" Internal conflict? Suppressed fear of failure? Insecurity? Financial stresses? Family tension? Negative circumstances? Encouragement? Vulnerability? Advice? The list goes on.... everyone has run from something at some point in their life... I've looked back on how I've lived and have undoubtedly run from a wide array of pressures, both positive and negative. Yes, I've run from fear of imperfection, but I've also run from support of friends. I've run from experiencing sorrow, and I've run from encouragement. It's definitely important to recognize these things and deal with them appropriately, but it shouldn't stop there.
What is perhaps even more important is "what are you running to?"
When you run, you often have a destination... even if it's not pre-determined, it's arguably still in existence. A finish line exists even if you don't see it until you get there. For some, that goal is destructive.... for others it is repairing. In my own life I've allowed myself to run "without a destination," but the place in which I arrive almost always has negative repercussions. In running from pain, I've landed in bitterness. In running from advice, I've ended up in brokenness. I really don't think it's possible to run without a destination, even if you intend to run forever. You eventually stop, and that becomes the destination.
Maybe it's not necessarily bad to run from something as long as the destination is positive. (And by positive, I mean the destination will help you address what you were running from in the first place). For example, when you run from pain, why not run to peace that will penetrate the sorrow and provide healing? Or when you run from tension, why not run to wisdom that will enable you to deal with the tension appropriately? Maybe running isn't bad as long as you're heading in the right place...
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