He's always been faithful to me??

Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine. 

Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways. 

All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. 

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain. 

I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. 

All I have need of his hand will provide. He's always been faithful to me. 

This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long. 

God has been faithful, he will be again. His loving compassion, it knows no end. 

This morning as we sang this song at church, the words refused to come out of my mouth. Try as I might, I couldn't, or didn't want to, proclaim God's faithfulness. The music played, voices echoed around me, worship filled the room... and I refused to join. The melodic tune compelled voices to proclaim, He's always been faithful to me... yet, I found myself battling unbelief.

It's Mid-November, the gas tank is empty, rent is due soon, next semester's invoice taunts me, and instant oatmeal is no longer my favorite breakfast/lunch/dinner meal. On top of the usual financial fears, my car needs a major repair. Fabulous. Is God really here? Does he really care? I know in my head I can trust him, but what happens when I don't see Him coming through? Isn't he suppose to provide?

The sermon today was on one of my favorite passages: Ephesians 3:14-21. The passage lavishly proclaims God's unsurpassable love through beautifully rich imagery- his love is wider, higher, deeper than we can ever imagine. God's love knows no end. Today, however, the words in verse 20 struck a cord with me. In this verse, Paul refers to God as "him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." God is able. But my question was, "will he?" Sure he CAN step in an solve my problems, meet my financial needs, eliminate my car problems, keep my gas tank running on empty, and so on... but WILL he do that?

Then I realized that's the wrong question.

Let's just say I don't see God provide in the way in which I wanted him to... is he any less God? What if I live off oatmeal for the rest of the semester? How about if my car stops in the middle of the road and doesn't restart? Or if I can't afford to come back to school next semester? Is he still God? Is he still Trustworthy? Loving? Faithful?

Yes. 100%

Thankfully God's character is not contingent upon how I see him working... His trustworthiness doesn't depend on how I see my "needs" being met, his love doesn't act according to my ability to accept it, and his faithfulness doesn't hinge on the amount of my faith I can conjure up. He is God always. 

It's true we know people's characters by their actions, and I believe the same is true for God. But, sometimes we're just not able to see the full extent of his actions and their reflection of his character. We naval-gaze, lose sight of reality, stare at the problems right before us... we forget to look to Jesus. As God re-fixes our eyes back on him, our "needs" shift, our fears fade, God's peace overwhelms us and transforms our hearts and minds. Circumstances might not change, but our attitudes do. 

In peace, God is faithful.
In joy, God is faithful.
In love, God is faithful.

Thinking back to Eph 3:20, we can know God is able because we know him. But the question of "will he?" shouldn't matter. Or it should at least be redirected. Will God come through in the ways we think we need him to? Maybe. But if not, he will come through in ways he knows we need. Peace, joy, love (the list goes on and on, but I tend to like lists of 3 if you haven't noticed haha)... in these God is faithful.

As God fixes my heart, mind, eyes, and thoughts on the truth of who he is and what Christ has done on the cross, my perspective can't help but change. The phrase "Preach the Gospel to yourself" has been around for quite awhile, even reflected in Ps. 42:5 ("Why are you downcast, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God...my salvation and my God"), for good reason. We mustn't forget the hope we have in Christ. He is alive in us (Eph 2:22), and this is the reason to which Paul refers in 3:1, 14 as he proclaims God's love. 

So while my problems, fears, doubts, and trials are left unsolved to some extent, I know God is God. He loves me, sacrificed his Son for me, and is alive within me for the praise of his glorious name. What else matters? In this He's always been faithful to me.

Piercing Light.

The angst within my soul
Taunts and pulls
Fervently.
Emotion-filled chaos
Collapses my thoughts.
Confusion erupts
And hammers my feet
To the floor.
I wrestle with no gain.
Again I crack,
I crumble,
I break
Under the weight.
All hope fades
As darkness overtakes
The dimming light within.
One final attempt
To gasp for air
In vain.

And then
The unthinkable takes place.
Victory on the horizon?
It cannot be so.
But alas,
Light emerges
Through the shadows.
A glimmer at first,
A twinkle,
A glint.
My eyes look away
I'm a skeptic, afraid.
The light becomes stronger,
Penetrating deep
Into the shadows
Of the walls of my heart.

Relentless, consistent
The warmth surpasses
My fears.
Freedom. At last.

For even the smallest glint of light with pierce the shell of darkness. 

A Favorite Way to Walk.

If you see me around often, it won't come as a surprise that I have one particular pair of shoes I rather enjoy wearing... chances are i'll have them on any day of the week, every season, regardless of the rest of the outfit... can you guess?? Think Texas (yes, I secretly want to marry a cowboy haha). That's right... my brown, worn out cowboy boots! Scuffed, faded, peeling sole... yet I relentlessly refuse retire them.


People ask me why I'm so committed to them. The two shoes have clearly served their duty and are ready for a rest in the back of the closet. But I can't bear to let them go (I actually have another pair of the exact same shoes I've been saving for when the current pair gets the boot, but they're just hanging out in the box... patiently awaiting their showtime haha). I've been wrestling with why exactly I won't give the first pair up.  No sentimental memories are attached to them, they weren't purchased anywhere special, and they certainly don't have an outstanding timelessness or beauty! But still, they haven't let me down yet.


Constant... Steadfast... Faithful...


In one of my classes, an interesting question was posed to the students. I use "interesting" not because I hadn't heard the question before, but because of the context in which it was presented. After attempting to  dialoguing with the class about how God has been defined and perceived over the ages, beginning with the first Yahweh worshippers (Hebrew people who eventually became the people of Israel) and continuing into today's modern context, my professor reminded us of the unavoidable tension between God's incomparable, transcendent nature and His desire to reveal himself to us. We can't come to terms with who God is, at least not in his entirety.


"The real God is greater than the God of the Bible," emerged from his mouth to taunt a skeptical class of Bible-believing Christians. Is that a heretical statement? Not necessarily. My professor's point was that, although the Bible points us in the right direction towards understanding the depth of who God is, it doesn't enable us to grasp the full concept. We just can't. I actually find this refreshing! If I could understand and conceive of all aspects of God, he wouldn't be God. Furthermore, we can't just pick and choose the attributes of God we like and don't like... elevating one above another would present an inaccurate portrayal of who his is. Failure to recognize the vastness of who He is results in human elevation along with the potential of worshipping something other than God!  Anyway... back to the "interesting question."


After going into detail about God's transcendent, inconceivable nature, my professor transitioned to asking, "What's the most important attribute of God?" Um, didn't we just establish that we can't actually describe God; we can't choose one attribute over another? Yes... but... God is a personal being who reveals himself to us individually and invites us to engage in relationship with Him. We wants us to know who he is. Herein lies the tension, but the beauty shines forth.


So the question can, perhaps, be re-worded into "what has God revealed about himself to me that has significance and particular weight in my life?"Not "what's the best thing about God for everyone at all times and in all situations?" but "what is God showing me about himself?" 


Faithfulness. 


In the same way I take delight in the consistent presence of my beloved old brown boots, I rejoice in the steadfastness of my Lord... even in the midst of intense anxiety, fear, sadness, and stress, nothing can separate me from his love (Romans 8:38, 39). Although I may turn in shame of my disobedience and wickedness, nowhere I run will hide me from his presence (Psalm 139:7-10). He is faithful when I am not (2 Tim 2:13). And, oh, am I ever thankful my faithfulness (or lack thereof) does not affect the faithfulness of my God! 


No analogies are perfect (and there's a whole slew of dangers in comparing God to a pair of shoes! I'm really not getting at that! haha) but I can't help but smile when I think of how faithfully my cowboy boots have been my 'sole' companions for the past few years... then, when I consider the incredible faithfulness demonstrated by God, that smile can't help but awaken peace and joy from within me. I take comfort in the complexity and transcendent nature of God, but for now, I find rest in knowing his faithfulness revealed to me. From this, I walk forward into knowing more and more of who he is. From this, I am compelled to walk in love.


"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations," Deut. 7:9

Resolved.

Less than a week of the semester has passed, and I'm already experiencing anxious anticipation of the months looming ahead. "Don't over-extend yourself... give yourself a break... don't try and do too much..." I've heard it all before, but I don't always listen. Well, at least not to the point where a change is made. 

As my giant 4-quadrant wall calendar has shifted in resemblance to a color-coded checkerboard of due dates, meetings, and events, feelings of fear and excitement mingle amidst my thoughts of the upcoming months. How will everything possibly get done?? Who really knows, but it will. It always does... somehow.

Constantly convincing myself that it'll be okay works for a time, but even this becomes a tedious task. Repetition. Monotonous drones. Time and time again. I tell myself it'll be okay. I know it will.

But is that enough? Am I content to merely "make it through" the days and weeks that threaten to clog my  life with things to do? Not at all! I'm committed to enjoying life, not just getting by. Beauty arises in picturesque moments of cascading snow from above... smiles and laughter fill rooms with inescapable life... phone calls from home, car rides with friends, profound lines in a book, sweet smells in the kitchen... each elicit enjoyment of life in their own right. These must be savored.

Caffeine will likely be a constant companion, but the busyness of life will not steal my joy. I have resolved to stop, to breath, to love life... moreover, I have resolved to enjoy my Lord forever.