Fear… and Love

Every time I go white water rafting, the Lord uses the opportunity to slap me across the face and teach me something powerful yet again. A recent 2-day trip down the Deschutes was no exception.

His power roars in the sound of the rushing waves… His beauty manifests as the sun cascades across the rugged geology and majestic terrain… His design flies across the water in the form of agile avian… His boundless love dances through my heart as I remember that He who has created all that lies before me… is mindful of me.

Wow.

Even with that amazing truth at the forefront of my mind, the Lord still uprooted an attitude I continually suppress: fear. Now, after 4 or 5 trips like I this, I don't fear the water any more (in fact, I had my fair share of water-time, usually of my own choosing). However, I was reminded that a fear of heights still peaks its nasty head every so often.

As our first day on the water drew to a close, our guides offered one more chance at adventure. With our gear unloaded, dinner cooking, and camp in order, the opportunity to jump off a massive cliff was presented to our group. Hey, l totally did that last time! I jumped off the shortest part of it, but I could for sure do the high part this year! I eagerly joined the guides and embarked on the journey to the cliff.

Now, tucked away in my memory bank was an image of a rugged rock several meters above the water. I recall being nervous, but it hadn't been too difficult to take the plunge into the water from one of the lowest peaks. When we reached our destination, however, the rock seemed larger than I had remembered. Still enthusiastic about the jump, I climbed up the side of the jagged surface and looked over the edge.

Oh my word, this is so much higher up than I remember! How on earth did I do this before? There's no chance I'm jumping off the high end! This is crazy!

Thoughts flooded my mind. Fear overcame me.

You can totally do this. It's not that high up. Seriously, pull it together. You're going to enjoy it!

Regardless of the amount of positive self-talk I tried to scream into my mind, my feet would not budge. I could not bring myself to jump.

Eventually, one of the guides grabbed my hand, counted down, and plunged alongside me into the still waters looming beneath our feet. My heart jumped to my throat, I let out an excited scream, and before I knew it, cool water swallowed by body on all sides. I had jumped. And loved it!

The partner-jump elicited so much excitement from within me that I proceeded to fly solo the next few rounds, each time jumping from a slightly higher part of the cliff. Soon, the highest peak was all that was left. You know you have to do it, Kristina. Jump from the highest. Prove you can do it.

Several times I walked up, looked over, and turned back. I can't do it. Ugh. It looked awful! "You'll be fine!" "Don't think about it!" "Just jump!" sang the chorus of encouragement around me… but each time I stepped forward, I froze.

"Beloved, are you willing to follow me even when it's scary?" Of course, Lord!
"Are you willing to go wherever I call you?" Absolutely!
"Then jump." But I can't!
"Do you love me?" You know I love you.
"Jump… I love you." 

I pushed my legs off the solid ground stabilizing me and plunged into the waters below. I jumped.

As I swam back to shore, the significance of the jump blazed to the front of my mind. It wasn't about overcoming one of my fears, chanting enough positive self-talk, experiencing an emotional high, or even proving to myself I could do something I didn't' think I could do… I was about Love.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

Perfect love casts out fear. Love dismantles fear. Love eliminates fear. Love exposes fear for what it truly is- the absence of love. I was only able to jump when my mind was fixed on Love Himself. As the reminders to cease striving, to stop performing, to rest in the Lord, to be… came to mind, the projection of fear evaporated. It was in that moment of receiving and experiencing Love that I stepped forward to do, to move, to obey, to jump… action immediately follows the gift of Love… I need not (in fact, cannot) prove myself worthy, acceptable, or lovable on my own… at all. Love is extended not on the grounds of the recipient's worth, but on the foundation of the character of the Giver who loves perfectly. God loves because he IS love. And experiencing His perfect loves compels us to live…. and to love.

Retrospect

Stop.

Turn around and look.

See the long trail behind you

Stained with sorrowful tears.

Have they not been dried?

Wait.

Change your view and see.

The path on which you just trudged,

Arduous and grueling,

Did you not survive?

Pause.

Just stand still and be.

Please remember my promise

To sustain and support.

Were my words a lie?

Now.

Turn your face to me.

My right hand will uphold you

Always faithful and true,

In me, love, abide.