Sagebrush

Mid-way through October, I was blessed with the opportunity to go with a group of sixth grade students to Central Oregon. If you know me, it's no surprise that I had been anticipating this trip since June! When any opportunity arises that combines spending time teaching kids with the aroma of juniper trees and sagebrush (I'll come back to this, but I hope you know it's one of the most incredible smells ever), I will never be able to say no... top it off with a break from the stress of school and you've got a recipe for a great time!

I loved every minute of the trip... from waking up at 5:15 am to chat around the campfire with some awesome Counselors... to cramming 30+ tired, dirty campers on a bus ringing with melodious camp and worship songs (almost always sung off-tune)... to hiking up and down multiple trails, identifying trees, imagining what it was like to be an original Pioneer coming across the Oregon Trail... I wouldn't trade the week for anything.

While on the trip, I was overwhelmed with how much I enjoyed the break. A break from myself.

Rather than focusing on everything I have to do for school, I was able to step back and pour into others. I'm at the point of grave annoyance with how self-focused I am during school. It shouldn't have to be that way! I just can't figure out how to get around it.... No matter how much I try and pour myself into other people, at the end of the day, I'm stuck thinking about all I have to do (for myself) the next day. Yes, there are ways to be involved and reach out to others even while in school, but I feel a lingering tension that I can't get past... I know I'm not explaining it very well (and I probably just sound like the most selfish person, but I feel almost trapped in a box of self-centerdness while I'm at school.

Now, back to the sagebrush... If you haven't had the opportunity to inhale the aroma of this fragrant little plant, you must. Seriously. On several occasions over the course of the few days, I remembered to stuff several small branches into the pockets of my coat. A few from the banks of the Deschutes, a couple from around the campground, and a handful from the park at Sisters just for good measure. However, I completely forgot to remove them from my pockets before they reached their dry, crumbly stage... and for this I am ever so grateful!

Every time I use my coat pockets as an attempt to warm my hands from the chilling October air, tiny particles of sagebrush-scented fumes permeate the skin of my fingers and latch on to the surface of my hands. And every time I remove my hands from the fragrant pockets, the sweet smell of sagebrush sweeps through the air, leaving a smile on my face. I can't help but be filled with happiness, even if the moment is brief. It makes me wonder... how can I be that breath of joy to others? How can I bless others like sagebrush blesses me (as silly as that sounds)?

Maybe it's not about constantly doing things for others (I'm not down-playing this, only questioning if this is realistic and healthy). Could it possibly have more to do with just being? Being a refreshing presence, an encouragement...  I know that sounds vague, but let's just go with it for a bit. The broken, crumbly branch of sagebrush is not producing any sweet scent at this point, it's simply just hanging out in my pocket. Because it's not connected to the original plant, it will eventually cease smelling good altogether. I don't want that to be me. But what about the rest of the branches (the lucky ones that didn't get plucked from the living plant))... they will continue to produce a wonderful aroma because they're connected to the source. They need only to be.. but they must be in relation to the living plant.

If I want to be a blessing to others, I have to recognize that I must be connected to Christ. I am nothing by a  broken, crumbly branch on my own. However, his fragrant aroma can escape through me if I am alive in him... and then I can just be sagebrush.

Two-Word Challenge

Recently I've felt that almost every conversation I've had with friends, family, professors, mentors, even the checkout lady at the grocery store has been thickly coated with frustration, exhaustion, weariness, and negativity. I am getting more and more annoyed with how frequently I complain (and this probably sounds like I'm complaining about complaining haha so sorry!). Why is it so easy to get hung up on the negatives?! Seriously, I'm embarrassed to admit how much I complain! The verbal complaints, however, are merely a reflection of the negative focus inside me.

And that needs to change.

I remember a challenge once posed to me by a high school teacher.... it revolved around the idea of saying two little words as a way to refocus thoughts and change perspective....

These two words? "Thank you!"

My class and I were encouraged to reconsider the value of these words in regards not only to the one receiving the thanks, but in how they affect the one giving thanks. It's easy to emphasize the importance of thanking someone who deserves to be thanked, to giving thanks when things are pleasant, and to be thankful for the blessings that have been abundantly poured out upon you, but it's a little bit more difficult to say "thank you" when things don't seem to be going your way. What would happen if you were to be thankful in all situations? How would saying these words affect personal perspective?

I vividly remember the first day I took this challenge of first saying "thank you" as a response to any situation... I woke up determined to be thankful for everything. Easy enough! I even stopped for coffee on the way to school so I would be sure to have a great day :)

Well, right as I was pulling my car away (coffee cup balanced precariously in my hands as I struggled to steer safely), a good amount of hot, caffeinated liquid sloshed out of my handy dandy travel mug all over my lap! My instincts prompted me toward frustration- it's hot!!! And there's no time to go home and change! This is gonna be a GREAT day now!  But a little flag went of in my head reminding me of my "thankful" vow earlier that morning. Seriously? This is dumb. I have no reason to be thankful for my coffee spilling, I thought to myself.... Sure you do- now you'll smell like coffee all day! That's one of your favorite smells, right? It's perfect, combatted the stubbornness within me, not wanting to fail so early on. A little smirk made its way to my face, and the two words reshaped my thoughts... I went throughout the rest of my day full of genuine optimism, ready to challenge each situation with a "thank you." 

So, perhaps it's time to pick up this challenge again... It provides a cool way of being optimistic without sacrificing realism. Every time I say those two simple words, I find my perspective immediately changes. The situation doesn't change necessarily, but attitude does. Instead of allowing my thoughts to fixate on things that are bothering me, fears that are distracting me, or daunting tasks ahead of me, I can shift my thoughts toward things for which I can be thankful. They is always something!!!! I have a feeling that as soon as I start looking for them, I'll see more and more... 

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise..." Philippians 4:8, NLT

Running

"What are you running from?"
Such a common question to be faced with when someone catches you (or you catch yourself) running from fears, challenges, frustrations.... I do think this is an important question to ask and to be asked, but perhaps there is an even greater question that should be asked as well...

Let's start with the first one, though :) "What are you running from?" Internal conflict? Suppressed fear of failure? Insecurity? Financial stresses? Family tension? Negative circumstances? Encouragement? Vulnerability? Advice? The list goes on.... everyone has run from something at some point in their life... I've looked back on how I've lived and have undoubtedly run from a wide array of pressures, both positive and negative. Yes, I've run from fear of imperfection, but I've also run from support of friends. I've run from experiencing sorrow, and I've run from encouragement. It's definitely important to recognize these things and deal with them appropriately, but it shouldn't stop there.

What is perhaps even more important is "what are you running to?"

When you run, you often have a destination... even if it's not pre-determined, it's arguably still in existence. A finish line exists even if you don't see it until you get there. For some, that goal is destructive.... for others it is repairing. In my own life I've allowed myself to run "without a destination," but the place in which I arrive almost always has negative repercussions. In running from pain, I've landed in bitterness. In running from advice, I've ended up in brokenness. I really don't think it's possible to run without a destination, even if you intend to run forever. You eventually stop, and that becomes the destination.

Maybe it's not necessarily bad to run from something as long as the destination is positive. (And by positive, I mean the destination will help you address what you were running from in the first place). For example, when you run from pain, why not run to peace that will penetrate the sorrow and provide healing? Or when you run from tension, why not run to wisdom that will enable you to deal with the tension appropriately? Maybe running isn't bad as long as you're heading in the right place...

Warning Lights

Alright, I did it again... tears and cars seem to go hand it hand in my life! At least a police officer isn't involved this time...

I've had so many annoying warning lights come on in my car recently- "you need an oil change!" "low tire pressure," "yep- you're out of gas..." goodness it seems like there's always something wrong. Today as I was making my way toward the US border, the "low on gas" warning light came came on (for about the fifth time in the past week- when will I realize that 10 bucks here and there doesn't get me very far!) Anyway, I had been anticipating that light's appearance and was already headed to Washington to get gas. Luckily there was about a two second wait at the border, and I made it to the gas station in no time.

Another warning light has been on the past few days, though. Every time I turn my car on, it's been telling me to check the tire pressure... great! I haven't had time to deal with it until today. Not knowing where to go or what to do, I immediately call my dad. He suggests I start by looking at the tires, checking if any of them seem low (he's clearly the logical one in the family). Okay... any low-looking tires... um... nope! They all seem fine to me! He proceeds to tell me I should get the pressure checked somewhere, like a gas station... Luckily I'm right by one! It can't be too hard to check the tire pressure, right?

Wrong.

I'm such a girl. I don't have a clue what I'm doing... I'm letting air out of the tires, trying to attach some stupid nozzle thing, getting grease all over my hands from who knows where, having a miserable time, and just wanting someone to show me what the heck to do! Directions from my dad over the phone only go so far...

Then the tears come. Tears I've been holding back for weeks- tears filled with fear over my course load, missing people back home, anxiety about finances, doubt regarding my ability to stay sane over these next few months... all flooding out because of some low air pressure in my tires! I should know better than to bottle everything up... Yet I do it time and time again.

After regaining a tad bit of my composure, I headed back in to ask the gas station attendant for more quarters (reminder- I'm in stinkin Washington so there's no one outside to help me pump the gas or teach me how to check a tire haha lovely). The sweet lady behind the counter immediately senses my distress and follows me out to give it a go. She helps for a bit, and ends up pointing me to a Les Schwab right around the corner, right before giving me a big hug.

When I pull into Les Schwab, a droopy-eyed, grandpa-looking attendant comes to my rescue. He checks all 4 tires using some fancy tool (I'm told it's called a gauge) and adds air when necessary. Ten minutes later, I'm outta there! Headed back to Canada, back to school, back to stress.

Of course this whole incident got me thinking about several things. First of which, how I handle stress. I honestly have not felt "stressed" so far this semester until just recently. But I ignored the warning light when I sensed it coming... for some reason, I assume that if I say I'm okay over and over to a number of different people, I will be okay. For a while, maybe... but eventually something triggers the acknowledgement of stress's reality! By the time the fears are finally faced, their damages are way greater than they would have been if addressed earlier. I think it kinda goes back to the idea of recognizing emotions without labeling "good" or "bad;" I need to acknowledge when stress arrives rather than trying to convince myself the angst doesn't exist. Now, it's what I do afterwards that matters, perhaps even more than the acknowledgment.

When you're out of tire air pressure, you go to an appropriate place to get it filled, right? Mhmm. So when you're out of mental endurance and emotional stamina, where do you go to get it filled? Friends... Alcohol... Sex... Food... Drugs... Entertainment... Religion... Addictions... Sleep... the list goes on. Now, just think about it- the list goes on! We are always searching for something else to meet our needs, eliminate our exhaustion, and give us motivation for the day. But what actually works? If you put water into a tire, it's not gonna do much good (it might even damage it, but who am I to know all those details haha). Tires need air.

And people need rest. Not caffeine, not sleep, not a massive wake-up call... REST.

In Matthew 11:28, Jesus utters profoundly beautiful words... "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry." The offer of peace, not the promise of an easy life, stands available. Yet I all too often try and carry the weight of the world alone. God invites us to come to him in relationship, not religion, and find rest. We won't be filled otherwise.

Anxiety.

Anxiety creeps in like a sly serpent seeking to strangle everything in its path. Triggered by a smell, a thought, a sound, a touch... once it arrives, it plans to stay. As one glimpse of worry enters the mind, all hope of clarity is erased. Instant debilitation. Pressure, pain, fear, and stress intoxicate the mind to no end. Heart is racing, hands are shaking... mind is numb. Darkness won't relent. It reaches all aspects of emotion and thought, imprisoning the body forcefully. Bound by chains of fear- physically, mentally, emotionally- all focus is lost by Anxiety.

But it takes only one flicker of light to penetrate the dark.
Ignite the flame and watch the depth of blackness fade.
Hope is freeing.

Disconnect

   Logic looks about with his bird's eye view of life. He listens to Experience, dialogues with Reason, and never ceases making Sense. Logic has an approach to life that supersedes all other ways; after all, he resides in Head, the most important part of the body. If Head didn't work, nothing would work.
   Emotion focuses on what's right in front of her. With one hand holding Feeling and the other attached to Mood, Emotion cares little of listening to Logic. She knows that Logic resides in Head, a part inferior to her residence, Heart. For if Heart didn't work, nothing would work.
   Each believes the other inferior, causing pride and ignorance, tension and discord. The two rarely listen to each other and never agree- Logic and Emotion don't connect.
   Two inhabitants of one body, residing in complete opposition and unwilling to make peace. Eventually, a battle will occur. Eventually, one will win. Logic and Emotion are both too stubborn to give in, but undoubtedly one will rise, one will fall.
   Unless... Balance arrives. He must convince Logic and Emotion they need each other. For if Head explodes, Heart will fail; if Heart breaks, Head will soon collapse. What Logic and Emotion fail to see is the beauty that lies in the other. They must make peace, they must be connected.
   Balance, come quickly. Please.

Too often there is disconnect between what I know to be logically true and to what my emotions tell me. Logically it makes sense to get up when the alarm goes off, but I certainly feel otherwise (ok, lame example). Let me try again... in my head I know that I'll make it through this semester (and I'll enjoy it!), but anxiety creeps into my heart on too many occasions, flooding me with doubt, fear, and stress. Or how about when my mind was fixated on the negatives of such a heavy semester while I feel completely hopeful and excited for what it holds. Why can't my logical brain and emotional heart just get on the same page already!
I wish I could figure out some simple way to solve the problem of logic and emotion disconnect. But I'm stuck trying to balance the two polar opposites, waiting for the two to finally get along.

Distractions

I'm prone to think of "distraction" as an inherently negative word. Distractions steal focus, cloud vision, and prohibit you from reaching goals. They are unwelcome in all areas of life. They should be recognized, roped in, and repressed quickly to avoid negative consequences of giving in to them. To be distracted is to be tricked into focusing your energy and attention on something less important that what you should be doing.

Is that really true? I honestly have thought that way before, but I believe my opinion might be shifting. It seems to me that distractions can be beneficial. At least they can provide encouragement, comfort, even growth if you let them. In that case, then, I suppose they aren't really distractions but enhancers.

Today I was enjoying time just sitting by a lake and reading, soaking up the glorious Indian Summers we get in BC. As much as I love the book I'm reading, I found myself distracted by the stunning scenery and the variety of birds surrounding the premises. Great Blue Heron, Kingfishers, Canada Geese... every time I saw movement I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting off the page and settling on the birds. Distraction flocked around me and trumped the pleasure I found in reading my book. As I was leaving though, I reconsidered my view of these "distractions." At first they kept me from engaging fully in what I had originally intended (reading my book), but they enhanced the overall experience of my time at the lake. They did take away time and focus from my book, but they replaced that with different enjoyment than I would have experienced otherwise.  

I wonder what other "distractions" will be shaped into "enhancers" in my life. Time spent with friends and family can keep me from engaging in my schoolwork, but that quality time with others can potentially impact my life greater than my homework will, or enhance it. On the other hand, dedication to what I'm studying can positively influence my worldview even though it might distract me from calling home or taking a walk with a friend. So how do you decide if a distraction is really a distraction or not? I honestly don't have an answer... but I don't think it's necessarily important to find one. What matters more is having a willingness to set aside preconceived notions and embrace the potential every distraction has for enhancing your life. (At the same time, it's probably not best to use that as an excuse to avoid doing what you know you should be doing but don't want to do, if that makes any sense. It's easy to swing too far on the other side of the pendulum, but I'd rather not get into that haha).

Basically, I'm learning to reevaluate my use of yet another word. By embracing a "distraction," perhaps I will find my life enhanced by something even greater.