Warning Lights

Alright, I did it again... tears and cars seem to go hand it hand in my life! At least a police officer isn't involved this time...

I've had so many annoying warning lights come on in my car recently- "you need an oil change!" "low tire pressure," "yep- you're out of gas..." goodness it seems like there's always something wrong. Today as I was making my way toward the US border, the "low on gas" warning light came came on (for about the fifth time in the past week- when will I realize that 10 bucks here and there doesn't get me very far!) Anyway, I had been anticipating that light's appearance and was already headed to Washington to get gas. Luckily there was about a two second wait at the border, and I made it to the gas station in no time.

Another warning light has been on the past few days, though. Every time I turn my car on, it's been telling me to check the tire pressure... great! I haven't had time to deal with it until today. Not knowing where to go or what to do, I immediately call my dad. He suggests I start by looking at the tires, checking if any of them seem low (he's clearly the logical one in the family). Okay... any low-looking tires... um... nope! They all seem fine to me! He proceeds to tell me I should get the pressure checked somewhere, like a gas station... Luckily I'm right by one! It can't be too hard to check the tire pressure, right?

Wrong.

I'm such a girl. I don't have a clue what I'm doing... I'm letting air out of the tires, trying to attach some stupid nozzle thing, getting grease all over my hands from who knows where, having a miserable time, and just wanting someone to show me what the heck to do! Directions from my dad over the phone only go so far...

Then the tears come. Tears I've been holding back for weeks- tears filled with fear over my course load, missing people back home, anxiety about finances, doubt regarding my ability to stay sane over these next few months... all flooding out because of some low air pressure in my tires! I should know better than to bottle everything up... Yet I do it time and time again.

After regaining a tad bit of my composure, I headed back in to ask the gas station attendant for more quarters (reminder- I'm in stinkin Washington so there's no one outside to help me pump the gas or teach me how to check a tire haha lovely). The sweet lady behind the counter immediately senses my distress and follows me out to give it a go. She helps for a bit, and ends up pointing me to a Les Schwab right around the corner, right before giving me a big hug.

When I pull into Les Schwab, a droopy-eyed, grandpa-looking attendant comes to my rescue. He checks all 4 tires using some fancy tool (I'm told it's called a gauge) and adds air when necessary. Ten minutes later, I'm outta there! Headed back to Canada, back to school, back to stress.

Of course this whole incident got me thinking about several things. First of which, how I handle stress. I honestly have not felt "stressed" so far this semester until just recently. But I ignored the warning light when I sensed it coming... for some reason, I assume that if I say I'm okay over and over to a number of different people, I will be okay. For a while, maybe... but eventually something triggers the acknowledgement of stress's reality! By the time the fears are finally faced, their damages are way greater than they would have been if addressed earlier. I think it kinda goes back to the idea of recognizing emotions without labeling "good" or "bad;" I need to acknowledge when stress arrives rather than trying to convince myself the angst doesn't exist. Now, it's what I do afterwards that matters, perhaps even more than the acknowledgment.

When you're out of tire air pressure, you go to an appropriate place to get it filled, right? Mhmm. So when you're out of mental endurance and emotional stamina, where do you go to get it filled? Friends... Alcohol... Sex... Food... Drugs... Entertainment... Religion... Addictions... Sleep... the list goes on. Now, just think about it- the list goes on! We are always searching for something else to meet our needs, eliminate our exhaustion, and give us motivation for the day. But what actually works? If you put water into a tire, it's not gonna do much good (it might even damage it, but who am I to know all those details haha). Tires need air.

And people need rest. Not caffeine, not sleep, not a massive wake-up call... REST.

In Matthew 11:28, Jesus utters profoundly beautiful words... "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry." The offer of peace, not the promise of an easy life, stands available. Yet I all too often try and carry the weight of the world alone. God invites us to come to him in relationship, not religion, and find rest. We won't be filled otherwise.

Anxiety.

Anxiety creeps in like a sly serpent seeking to strangle everything in its path. Triggered by a smell, a thought, a sound, a touch... once it arrives, it plans to stay. As one glimpse of worry enters the mind, all hope of clarity is erased. Instant debilitation. Pressure, pain, fear, and stress intoxicate the mind to no end. Heart is racing, hands are shaking... mind is numb. Darkness won't relent. It reaches all aspects of emotion and thought, imprisoning the body forcefully. Bound by chains of fear- physically, mentally, emotionally- all focus is lost by Anxiety.

But it takes only one flicker of light to penetrate the dark.
Ignite the flame and watch the depth of blackness fade.
Hope is freeing.

Disconnect

   Logic looks about with his bird's eye view of life. He listens to Experience, dialogues with Reason, and never ceases making Sense. Logic has an approach to life that supersedes all other ways; after all, he resides in Head, the most important part of the body. If Head didn't work, nothing would work.
   Emotion focuses on what's right in front of her. With one hand holding Feeling and the other attached to Mood, Emotion cares little of listening to Logic. She knows that Logic resides in Head, a part inferior to her residence, Heart. For if Heart didn't work, nothing would work.
   Each believes the other inferior, causing pride and ignorance, tension and discord. The two rarely listen to each other and never agree- Logic and Emotion don't connect.
   Two inhabitants of one body, residing in complete opposition and unwilling to make peace. Eventually, a battle will occur. Eventually, one will win. Logic and Emotion are both too stubborn to give in, but undoubtedly one will rise, one will fall.
   Unless... Balance arrives. He must convince Logic and Emotion they need each other. For if Head explodes, Heart will fail; if Heart breaks, Head will soon collapse. What Logic and Emotion fail to see is the beauty that lies in the other. They must make peace, they must be connected.
   Balance, come quickly. Please.

Too often there is disconnect between what I know to be logically true and to what my emotions tell me. Logically it makes sense to get up when the alarm goes off, but I certainly feel otherwise (ok, lame example). Let me try again... in my head I know that I'll make it through this semester (and I'll enjoy it!), but anxiety creeps into my heart on too many occasions, flooding me with doubt, fear, and stress. Or how about when my mind was fixated on the negatives of such a heavy semester while I feel completely hopeful and excited for what it holds. Why can't my logical brain and emotional heart just get on the same page already!
I wish I could figure out some simple way to solve the problem of logic and emotion disconnect. But I'm stuck trying to balance the two polar opposites, waiting for the two to finally get along.

Distractions

I'm prone to think of "distraction" as an inherently negative word. Distractions steal focus, cloud vision, and prohibit you from reaching goals. They are unwelcome in all areas of life. They should be recognized, roped in, and repressed quickly to avoid negative consequences of giving in to them. To be distracted is to be tricked into focusing your energy and attention on something less important that what you should be doing.

Is that really true? I honestly have thought that way before, but I believe my opinion might be shifting. It seems to me that distractions can be beneficial. At least they can provide encouragement, comfort, even growth if you let them. In that case, then, I suppose they aren't really distractions but enhancers.

Today I was enjoying time just sitting by a lake and reading, soaking up the glorious Indian Summers we get in BC. As much as I love the book I'm reading, I found myself distracted by the stunning scenery and the variety of birds surrounding the premises. Great Blue Heron, Kingfishers, Canada Geese... every time I saw movement I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting off the page and settling on the birds. Distraction flocked around me and trumped the pleasure I found in reading my book. As I was leaving though, I reconsidered my view of these "distractions." At first they kept me from engaging fully in what I had originally intended (reading my book), but they enhanced the overall experience of my time at the lake. They did take away time and focus from my book, but they replaced that with different enjoyment than I would have experienced otherwise.  

I wonder what other "distractions" will be shaped into "enhancers" in my life. Time spent with friends and family can keep me from engaging in my schoolwork, but that quality time with others can potentially impact my life greater than my homework will, or enhance it. On the other hand, dedication to what I'm studying can positively influence my worldview even though it might distract me from calling home or taking a walk with a friend. So how do you decide if a distraction is really a distraction or not? I honestly don't have an answer... but I don't think it's necessarily important to find one. What matters more is having a willingness to set aside preconceived notions and embrace the potential every distraction has for enhancing your life. (At the same time, it's probably not best to use that as an excuse to avoid doing what you know you should be doing but don't want to do, if that makes any sense. It's easy to swing too far on the other side of the pendulum, but I'd rather not get into that haha).

Basically, I'm learning to reevaluate my use of yet another word. By embracing a "distraction," perhaps I will find my life enhanced by something even greater. 

Ready or Not

Less than twelve hours from now, and I'll be sitting in my first class of my 3rd year of University.... nope, I am not ready by any means! Do I even have my books? Of course not!!! (I've learned you really don't need them until the second week at least haha I just can't commit yet).

The excitement of a new school year brings me joy- being reunited with friends from previous years, having the chance to meet new people, anticipating the wealth of knowledge I'll be faced with (and the choice to cram it in my puny head or to try and actually grasp what I'm studying)... I am honestly looking forward to this year.

But along with the pleasant expectations, "the unknown" carries a looming burden of fear and uneasiness. I certainly don't feel mentally, emotionally, or even physically prepared for this year, but who ever does? (if you do or have in the past, be grateful). I just keep telling myself that I'll be fine once I get into a routine. At this point, there's no use fighting it- I better suck it up and embrace what's coming.

One of my biggest fears, though, is being stuck in the mindset of, "just make it through this [day, week, month, semester] and it'll be okay." I don't want to get caught living in the future! I want to enjoy each and every day as it comes- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to smile in the sunshine, laugh in the rain, and dance in the storms. I refuse to let frustrating situations steal my joy. There will always be something to complain about- a low ink cartridge and papers won't print, out of milk and no time to go to the store, a late assignment to shatter my GPA, sad news from people back home... things are gonna happen during these next few months that will tempt me to embrace discouragement and depression. So I better be prepared.

Am I nervous for this year? Absolutely. But I'm confident it's gonna be great. I know that I will come away as a changed person, and I'm excited to see what that looks like. My hope is resting not in who I am, but in my Lord alone. Therefore, I'm ready.

Afraid to Feel

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with a random spell of homesickness. It totally caught me off guard, and I felt ridiculous experiencing such emotions again. This is my third time leaving home, coming to school, getting re-settled... I should be fine, right? I didn't expect to be feeling homesick yet again!

Part of the problem is how different this year is going to be from the last two years. I'm terrified. Yesterday I embarked on a mission to the grocery store for the first time. Now, I've been shopping for myself before, but this time was different. I spent the first part of the day going through recipes, trying to plan meals, figure out a reasonable budget... it was awful haha. I couldn't help but thinking to myself, you have no idea what on earth you're doing. Just give up now! Ramen and cold cereal will be just fine. On top of that, I had to think about other important amenities like dish soap, toilet paper, and cleaning supplies! I ended up forgetting half the list and coming back to sit in silent solitude for the next few minutes, numb with fear and frustration.

As large crocodile tears streamed down my face, I continued attempting to suppress my emotions. You should not be feeling this way- homesickness was fine as a freshman, border-line understandable last year, but it's really not acceptable right now. I had it my head that it was wrong to feel overwhelmed

After talking to a friend last night, I was reminded of the fact that it's important to acknowledge our feelings without labeling them "good" or "bad." Regardless of their effects, feelings are real. It's how we handle our feelings that matters most.

So let yourself feel, but don't let your life be dictated by your feelings.

Humility in Jumping Rope

Jump rope was never my forte. EVER. Ya know when groups of kids would gather on the playground and jump for the entire recess... well that didn't include me. If I did put a brave face on and join the group, I was the one flipping the rope for everyone else... certainly not jumping.

So today, when 60+ students from student ministries had to each get through the jump line without messing up, I was petrified. When I finally got up enough courage to attempt throwing my body into the midst of a flailing rope, I quickly felt the burlap vine slapping against the back of my legs followed immediately by the front of my shins (yes- I somehow got hit twice!). I knew I was done-for before the real challenge even started (this was only practice time haha).

When the challenge began of getting everyone through without stopping, it was very evident that I would be one of the few constant strugglers. After about two minutes, I was graciously encouraged to take a spot near the front. No one wanted me at the end (for good reason) because I would likely be the one to mess up and ruin it for everyone! I honestly can't remember how many times I tripped over the rope or jumped at the wrong time, but I eventually figured it out (and, mind you, I wasn't the only one who messed up haha it just wasn't a huge surprise when I did). With physical nudges from people behind me and constant encouragement about when to jump or "you'll get it next time," I made it through more than once :)

It seemed to take an incredibly long time to get 60+ people through with no mistakes, but it felt so good when we finally reached our goal! Not gonna lie, I felt like the exercise was border-line juvenile and fairly "camp-ish," but I still learned from it and enjoyed the process overall. I found myself fighting the instincts to over-analyze the task at hand or to become discouraged and frustrated when I made a mistake, but the support of friends around me kept me going. Top off a mess-up with a bit of laughter, some good perspective (it's just a silly game), and a few high-fives... it was actually a fun experience.

Afterwards, of course, the group gathered for discussion and reflection. And what do ya know... I just happened to be one of the prime examples used in many of the life applications haha! As the "girl in the red sweater" who finally overcame her fear and figured out how to jump rope, I couldn't hide behind a shy facade for long. (Next time you find yourself in a position where you will be clearly recognized if you mess up, don't wear a bright color! lol). Honestly, though, I didn't feel too bad. I mean, someone has to mess up in order for a visual lesson to be learned, right? It just happened to be me this time :)

Throughout this experience, the need for positive community surged through my mind again. I know how prone to discouragement I can be when I fixate on my weaknesses, but I also know how beautiful it is to allow others to come alongside and provide strength. By covering another's weaknesses and capitalizing on their strengths, we can be part of a larger picture and take place in something greater than ourselves.

If life is like the jump rope game, we certainly need people going before us to show us the way, standing behind us to catch us when we fall, providing constant encouragement, and giving appropriate input when we make mistakes. It's hard to jump into a new experience (or even into a situation you've been through before but know is challenging), but it's ten times harder doing it alone. I'm learning to let go of my pride and allow others to use their strengths to fill in the gaps of my weakness. It's not worth jumping rope, or living life, alone.