Disconnect

   Logic looks about with his bird's eye view of life. He listens to Experience, dialogues with Reason, and never ceases making Sense. Logic has an approach to life that supersedes all other ways; after all, he resides in Head, the most important part of the body. If Head didn't work, nothing would work.
   Emotion focuses on what's right in front of her. With one hand holding Feeling and the other attached to Mood, Emotion cares little of listening to Logic. She knows that Logic resides in Head, a part inferior to her residence, Heart. For if Heart didn't work, nothing would work.
   Each believes the other inferior, causing pride and ignorance, tension and discord. The two rarely listen to each other and never agree- Logic and Emotion don't connect.
   Two inhabitants of one body, residing in complete opposition and unwilling to make peace. Eventually, a battle will occur. Eventually, one will win. Logic and Emotion are both too stubborn to give in, but undoubtedly one will rise, one will fall.
   Unless... Balance arrives. He must convince Logic and Emotion they need each other. For if Head explodes, Heart will fail; if Heart breaks, Head will soon collapse. What Logic and Emotion fail to see is the beauty that lies in the other. They must make peace, they must be connected.
   Balance, come quickly. Please.

Too often there is disconnect between what I know to be logically true and to what my emotions tell me. Logically it makes sense to get up when the alarm goes off, but I certainly feel otherwise (ok, lame example). Let me try again... in my head I know that I'll make it through this semester (and I'll enjoy it!), but anxiety creeps into my heart on too many occasions, flooding me with doubt, fear, and stress. Or how about when my mind was fixated on the negatives of such a heavy semester while I feel completely hopeful and excited for what it holds. Why can't my logical brain and emotional heart just get on the same page already!
I wish I could figure out some simple way to solve the problem of logic and emotion disconnect. But I'm stuck trying to balance the two polar opposites, waiting for the two to finally get along.

Distractions

I'm prone to think of "distraction" as an inherently negative word. Distractions steal focus, cloud vision, and prohibit you from reaching goals. They are unwelcome in all areas of life. They should be recognized, roped in, and repressed quickly to avoid negative consequences of giving in to them. To be distracted is to be tricked into focusing your energy and attention on something less important that what you should be doing.

Is that really true? I honestly have thought that way before, but I believe my opinion might be shifting. It seems to me that distractions can be beneficial. At least they can provide encouragement, comfort, even growth if you let them. In that case, then, I suppose they aren't really distractions but enhancers.

Today I was enjoying time just sitting by a lake and reading, soaking up the glorious Indian Summers we get in BC. As much as I love the book I'm reading, I found myself distracted by the stunning scenery and the variety of birds surrounding the premises. Great Blue Heron, Kingfishers, Canada Geese... every time I saw movement I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting off the page and settling on the birds. Distraction flocked around me and trumped the pleasure I found in reading my book. As I was leaving though, I reconsidered my view of these "distractions." At first they kept me from engaging fully in what I had originally intended (reading my book), but they enhanced the overall experience of my time at the lake. They did take away time and focus from my book, but they replaced that with different enjoyment than I would have experienced otherwise.  

I wonder what other "distractions" will be shaped into "enhancers" in my life. Time spent with friends and family can keep me from engaging in my schoolwork, but that quality time with others can potentially impact my life greater than my homework will, or enhance it. On the other hand, dedication to what I'm studying can positively influence my worldview even though it might distract me from calling home or taking a walk with a friend. So how do you decide if a distraction is really a distraction or not? I honestly don't have an answer... but I don't think it's necessarily important to find one. What matters more is having a willingness to set aside preconceived notions and embrace the potential every distraction has for enhancing your life. (At the same time, it's probably not best to use that as an excuse to avoid doing what you know you should be doing but don't want to do, if that makes any sense. It's easy to swing too far on the other side of the pendulum, but I'd rather not get into that haha).

Basically, I'm learning to reevaluate my use of yet another word. By embracing a "distraction," perhaps I will find my life enhanced by something even greater. 

Ready or Not

Less than twelve hours from now, and I'll be sitting in my first class of my 3rd year of University.... nope, I am not ready by any means! Do I even have my books? Of course not!!! (I've learned you really don't need them until the second week at least haha I just can't commit yet).

The excitement of a new school year brings me joy- being reunited with friends from previous years, having the chance to meet new people, anticipating the wealth of knowledge I'll be faced with (and the choice to cram it in my puny head or to try and actually grasp what I'm studying)... I am honestly looking forward to this year.

But along with the pleasant expectations, "the unknown" carries a looming burden of fear and uneasiness. I certainly don't feel mentally, emotionally, or even physically prepared for this year, but who ever does? (if you do or have in the past, be grateful). I just keep telling myself that I'll be fine once I get into a routine. At this point, there's no use fighting it- I better suck it up and embrace what's coming.

One of my biggest fears, though, is being stuck in the mindset of, "just make it through this [day, week, month, semester] and it'll be okay." I don't want to get caught living in the future! I want to enjoy each and every day as it comes- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to smile in the sunshine, laugh in the rain, and dance in the storms. I refuse to let frustrating situations steal my joy. There will always be something to complain about- a low ink cartridge and papers won't print, out of milk and no time to go to the store, a late assignment to shatter my GPA, sad news from people back home... things are gonna happen during these next few months that will tempt me to embrace discouragement and depression. So I better be prepared.

Am I nervous for this year? Absolutely. But I'm confident it's gonna be great. I know that I will come away as a changed person, and I'm excited to see what that looks like. My hope is resting not in who I am, but in my Lord alone. Therefore, I'm ready.

Afraid to Feel

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with a random spell of homesickness. It totally caught me off guard, and I felt ridiculous experiencing such emotions again. This is my third time leaving home, coming to school, getting re-settled... I should be fine, right? I didn't expect to be feeling homesick yet again!

Part of the problem is how different this year is going to be from the last two years. I'm terrified. Yesterday I embarked on a mission to the grocery store for the first time. Now, I've been shopping for myself before, but this time was different. I spent the first part of the day going through recipes, trying to plan meals, figure out a reasonable budget... it was awful haha. I couldn't help but thinking to myself, you have no idea what on earth you're doing. Just give up now! Ramen and cold cereal will be just fine. On top of that, I had to think about other important amenities like dish soap, toilet paper, and cleaning supplies! I ended up forgetting half the list and coming back to sit in silent solitude for the next few minutes, numb with fear and frustration.

As large crocodile tears streamed down my face, I continued attempting to suppress my emotions. You should not be feeling this way- homesickness was fine as a freshman, border-line understandable last year, but it's really not acceptable right now. I had it my head that it was wrong to feel overwhelmed

After talking to a friend last night, I was reminded of the fact that it's important to acknowledge our feelings without labeling them "good" or "bad." Regardless of their effects, feelings are real. It's how we handle our feelings that matters most.

So let yourself feel, but don't let your life be dictated by your feelings.

Humility in Jumping Rope

Jump rope was never my forte. EVER. Ya know when groups of kids would gather on the playground and jump for the entire recess... well that didn't include me. If I did put a brave face on and join the group, I was the one flipping the rope for everyone else... certainly not jumping.

So today, when 60+ students from student ministries had to each get through the jump line without messing up, I was petrified. When I finally got up enough courage to attempt throwing my body into the midst of a flailing rope, I quickly felt the burlap vine slapping against the back of my legs followed immediately by the front of my shins (yes- I somehow got hit twice!). I knew I was done-for before the real challenge even started (this was only practice time haha).

When the challenge began of getting everyone through without stopping, it was very evident that I would be one of the few constant strugglers. After about two minutes, I was graciously encouraged to take a spot near the front. No one wanted me at the end (for good reason) because I would likely be the one to mess up and ruin it for everyone! I honestly can't remember how many times I tripped over the rope or jumped at the wrong time, but I eventually figured it out (and, mind you, I wasn't the only one who messed up haha it just wasn't a huge surprise when I did). With physical nudges from people behind me and constant encouragement about when to jump or "you'll get it next time," I made it through more than once :)

It seemed to take an incredibly long time to get 60+ people through with no mistakes, but it felt so good when we finally reached our goal! Not gonna lie, I felt like the exercise was border-line juvenile and fairly "camp-ish," but I still learned from it and enjoyed the process overall. I found myself fighting the instincts to over-analyze the task at hand or to become discouraged and frustrated when I made a mistake, but the support of friends around me kept me going. Top off a mess-up with a bit of laughter, some good perspective (it's just a silly game), and a few high-fives... it was actually a fun experience.

Afterwards, of course, the group gathered for discussion and reflection. And what do ya know... I just happened to be one of the prime examples used in many of the life applications haha! As the "girl in the red sweater" who finally overcame her fear and figured out how to jump rope, I couldn't hide behind a shy facade for long. (Next time you find yourself in a position where you will be clearly recognized if you mess up, don't wear a bright color! lol). Honestly, though, I didn't feel too bad. I mean, someone has to mess up in order for a visual lesson to be learned, right? It just happened to be me this time :)

Throughout this experience, the need for positive community surged through my mind again. I know how prone to discouragement I can be when I fixate on my weaknesses, but I also know how beautiful it is to allow others to come alongside and provide strength. By covering another's weaknesses and capitalizing on their strengths, we can be part of a larger picture and take place in something greater than ourselves.

If life is like the jump rope game, we certainly need people going before us to show us the way, standing behind us to catch us when we fall, providing constant encouragement, and giving appropriate input when we make mistakes. It's hard to jump into a new experience (or even into a situation you've been through before but know is challenging), but it's ten times harder doing it alone. I'm learning to let go of my pride and allow others to use their strengths to fill in the gaps of my weakness. It's not worth jumping rope, or living life, alone.

Between the Blackberry Bushes

I just got back from a super great bike ride with a friend, and a fancy little analogy is just begging to be shared! haha I'll try and keep it short....

As we cautiously moved between the thorns, I got increasingly annoyed about how frequently I was getting poked! Now that I'm back, parts of my hands are red and itchy, which is even more frustrating.  But I keep reminding myself- Blackberries are WEEDS! They're nasty non-native plants covered with pokey needles and thorns just waiting to latch on to exposed flesh, feathers, or whatever else they hook on to. Still, they taste so yummy. Good things can come from rough situations (do I sound like a broken record? haha so sorry).

I guess life can be like blackberry bushes (come on, you knew it was coming). Frustrations, trials, sticky situations... yet sweetness hiding under an unturned leaf.

In one of today's meetings, we were reminded to keep things in perspective. A positive attitude and mental toughness can help you overcome painful experiences. Combine those with a supportive community and a strong spiritual core, and you're good to go (please note that I didn't come up with those 4 points- they were taken from intensive US Army research on how to recover after traumatic experiences).  If I'm honest, though, I know I need help keeping things in perspective. It takes frequent re-evaluation and often a second opinion for me to truly see things accurately. So when you have help picking out the berries between the thorny bushes, you'll likely end up with a pretty sweet handful of joy.

Fire Poem (by Judy Brown)

Someone shared this poem today, and I wanted to remember it forever! I thought I might as well post it and share it with others too =) It might not be what you're expecting... I've heard many analogies related to fire, but never one along these lines. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Fire

By Judy Brown

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.

So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.

We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.

It's such a good reminder to take time to rest. It's not worth reaching breaking point because then nothing you do will be done well...