Between the Blackberry Bushes

I just got back from a super great bike ride with a friend, and a fancy little analogy is just begging to be shared! haha I'll try and keep it short....

As we cautiously moved between the thorns, I got increasingly annoyed about how frequently I was getting poked! Now that I'm back, parts of my hands are red and itchy, which is even more frustrating.  But I keep reminding myself- Blackberries are WEEDS! They're nasty non-native plants covered with pokey needles and thorns just waiting to latch on to exposed flesh, feathers, or whatever else they hook on to. Still, they taste so yummy. Good things can come from rough situations (do I sound like a broken record? haha so sorry).

I guess life can be like blackberry bushes (come on, you knew it was coming). Frustrations, trials, sticky situations... yet sweetness hiding under an unturned leaf.

In one of today's meetings, we were reminded to keep things in perspective. A positive attitude and mental toughness can help you overcome painful experiences. Combine those with a supportive community and a strong spiritual core, and you're good to go (please note that I didn't come up with those 4 points- they were taken from intensive US Army research on how to recover after traumatic experiences).  If I'm honest, though, I know I need help keeping things in perspective. It takes frequent re-evaluation and often a second opinion for me to truly see things accurately. So when you have help picking out the berries between the thorny bushes, you'll likely end up with a pretty sweet handful of joy.

Fire Poem (by Judy Brown)

Someone shared this poem today, and I wanted to remember it forever! I thought I might as well post it and share it with others too =) It might not be what you're expecting... I've heard many analogies related to fire, but never one along these lines. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Fire

By Judy Brown

What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.

So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.

When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.

We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.

It's such a good reminder to take time to rest. It's not worth reaching breaking point because then nothing you do will be done well...

Peaceful Exhaustion

I have no way to describe how I feel other than utterly and completely exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically.... worn out. I feel as if all the energy has been sucked from within me over the past week, and I have nothing left to give. Surprisingly, though, I am not stressed.

What?? Kristina Reznick is not stressed? Such an anomaly I'm sure those of you who know me never thought it possible! Honestly, I didn't think so either. Stress has defined me countless times over the course of my life, and I haven't been able to figure out how to get rid of it. As sad as it sounds, I think I've held on to it as a sort of security blanket because it's what I've known for so long. But ya know what, I don't have to! Perhaps I'm learning to let go...

Recentlly I was trying to explain to a friend how scattered I feel I'm living right now, but my words weren't coming out in a way that made any sense at all (fitting, right?). That's when God suddenly popped a picture of an Octopus into my head. (Yes, this is another ridiculous analogy.... so consider this your warning!). Ready for it?? 

Now, this octopus had about 20 tentacles as opposed to the usual 8... and each one was grasping on to something else while being pulled in 20ish different directions! Sad thing is, though, that the octopus was making zero prominant movement in any one direction. The silly thing was clinging onto so many things that he (okay, fine,"she") couldn't physically move towards any of them. And I realized that was me.

Family, work, friends, money, business, school, relationships... all entities that I've been trying to stretch myself across without saying no. In doing so, I haven't been able to fully immerse myself into any of them.  I feel like exhaustion and weariness have dampened a little part of everything I've done, but it hasn't been necessary. I know God has been nudging me from time to time to let go of certain aspects of my life, but I've deliberately pushed those thoughts aside. I haven't wanted to stop being a stupid octopus.

It's at the point, though, where God is simply cutting things out of my life for me. (Okay, so the analogy I had in my head actually consisted of the octopus getting her tentacles chopped off one by one until only a little nub of an octopus body was left haha. That's probably a bit too graphic, but I don't know how else to say it). He's taking away some things from my life in extremely visible ways and others are much more vague. Redefinition of future dreams, removal of certain fears and doubts, and reconstruction of who I am... It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's changing within me, but I know He's at work. 

So I come to the point where I feel like an octopus nub (cute, right??), yet I'm completely at peace. Over and over today, people have been asking "How are you? How was your summer? Are you ready to be back?" and I just give them a vacant stare haha. I have no idea what to say other than, "I'm exhausted, but I've got peace. And it'll be just fine." I have a lot to learn about handling stress, but I'm not afraid of stress because I'm one peacefully exhausted octopus nub right now! And so happy to be in this place.

Shattered

I've been wanting to write a post about the recent break in I experienced, but I've been having a difficult time thinking back to when it happened. I still vividly remember the initial shock and disbelief that washed over me as I first saw shattered glass by my car, then glass covering the inside passenger seat and floor, and finally a vacancy on the seat that catapolted a sick feeling into my stomach instantly. I don't need this now, I thought to myself angrily. I have so much to do before I leave for school in a few days and I seriously don't have time or energy to deal with this! There I go again... thinking the world revolves around me... I naïvely never thought this sort of thing would never happen to me... but who am I to think that I'm somehow immune to part of the pain in the world...
Throughout this week, however, I've seen God turn the situation into a blessing for His glory. Things have come together in ways only he can orchestrate... I feel so spoiled right now. Generous gifts, endless words of encouragement, offers of both financial and emotional support that I never expected. Thank you everyone who's been a part of turning this into good.

I have learned a great deal from this experience- first of which, of course, don't leave anything valuable in your car- especially in sight (or in a bookbag) haha. Secondly, I've been forced to re-evaluate my view of  both material and sentimental possessions. I know that stuff is just stuff, but it was really painful to lose information, documents, pictures, songs, memories... that meants more to me than anyone else. It's hard knowing that I won't get any of that back, but it's even harder knowing the papers are likely in a dumpster and the rest has been wiped clean- someone else regards it as junk while I hold it with high value. As much as it hurts to lose it, though, it's not the end of the world! I still have the memories, some pictures (thank goodness for memory cards), stacks of printed papers of documents that were there... and life goes on.

More than that, I can have joy and be thankful in spite of the experience. As I was pulling out of the parking spot surrounded by broken glass, God prompted me to thank him. It's funny how saying those two little words can change your perspective entirely. No, I haven't been a perfectly happy camper since then, but I do have peace. And God is faithfully showing me there are far greater things in life than laptops, cars, and day planners (although, I can't explain how lost I initially felt without my day planner haha sad, but true). Every time I find another piece of broken glass in my car (I've been told it will likely keep finding glass for at least a year!), I will be thankful for what I've learned and how God has used the situation for good. They shattered the window, but not me.

Bittersweet

So the content of this one is probably fairly predictable... end of summer... back to school in less than a week... saying goodbye... preparing to meet a new slew of people... as cliche as it is, I can't think of another way to describe it other than bittersweet.

Today I made my rounds saying bye to just about everyone I've babysat for this summer... so many smiles and hugs (high-fives from eight-year-old boys) were enough to last a lifetime. Then I stopped by work only to be blessed tenfold by the encouragement I received there as well! Finally, I've been nannying for one of the most precious families for the past several hours and just got the sweet kiddos tucked in bed with one last "you come again, okay?" from my 3-year-old shadow.

One of the hardest parts about leaving is knowing things will never be the same when I come back...  I'm trying to find comfort in the memories I have from the summer, but that doesn't always seem to be enough. Yes, change is inevitable, but it sure isn't easy!

As I get ready to head back to BC, I'm filled with excitement over seeing friends, experiencing new classes, facing different challenges, and learning more about myself, others, and the world around me.... It's just this weird, annoying paradox of being pulled in two directions. Bittersweet.

Really, now, what's the point of something being bittersweet?? Shouldn't it all be sweet?? Of course, I want to answer, yes. But...

If there was no bitterness, how would you know sweetness? I guess if falls under the category of "contrast."White always seems whiter when it's against something pitch black. Sunshine always seems more beautiful after a lengthy torrential downpour. So, the sweet memories of summer will seem even sweeter amidst the fear and stress of leaving them behind. I will choose to savor them, even though they're bittersweet.

Beautiful Mind

Mind is racing, Body's still.
Thoughts quicken, Sleep beckons.
Can't stop thinking, wishing, stressing,
Insomnia taunts relentlessly.

Yesterday's memories, Tomorrow's worries
Collide in Mind's vacaant spaces,
Preventing rest from finding a home
While Mind refuses to make room.

Soon Darkness rages, Mind is working
Even when Sleep has arrived.
Thoughts don't stop, Mind keeps going,
Inviting dreams and nightmares inside.

In the silence of the Night,
Mind is moving
With the breaking of the Dawn,
She continues to race.

Light awakens new stimuli.
Every sight, sound, and smell
Triggers a new thought.
Mind does not take a break.

No off button exists,
No way to press pause,
The Mind is a beautiful thing.

Driving through Life

As I was driving down the freeway a few days ago, I was struck with the very obvious realization that there is a person driving every single car I see. Duh, right? Just hear me out....

I remember a long time ago mentioning to someone that cars seem to resemble different bugs as they're driving towards you... some have small glowing headlight eyes, others have huge forehead windshields, and others even have weird grid mouths... my 6-year-old brain (I was probably way older, but let's just go with 6 for the sake of my embarassment haha) enjoyed connecting the huge vehicles around me to small, obsolete insects that couldn't harm me at all. The adult I was talking to did not share the same fascination and quickly reprimanded me for such foolish thinking. I was encouraged never to forget that people drive the cars and can do crazy stuff at any moment so you must drive defensively. When you think of cars as bugs, you forget they are operated by people.

So all that came back to me a few days ago as I starred into the faces of drivers coming towards me.  Where was she going? From where was he coming? How were they feeling at that very moment? Something clicked in my head- every car has a driver and every driver has a story. I haven't thought of cars as bugs in quite a while, but I also haven't stopped to recognize that each person on the road is at a particular place in life. Perhaps leisurly enjoying the drive while just loving life... or facing  frustrating construction and road-work of a difficult situation... maybe sitting through heavy traffic of anxiety and depression... or driving carelessing through the country savoring a sweet breeze of blessings... perhaps navigating through winding, unfamiliar territory... even speeding from one place to the next just to get through life.

When I looked at the faces of the people in the midst of the oncoming traffic, I saw people scarred by the pains of the past, weighed down by the present demands of life, emotionally exhausted from worrying about the future... real people with real problems, not mindless insects driving in perfectly straight lines. Everyone swerves, speeds, stops suddenly, and stresses at some point or another as they try and get from point A to point B, on and off the road. And I tend to expect  (or at least appreciate) an abundance of grace and forgivenss from others so I better darn well be giving it out all the more!

Too often I drive as though I'm the only one on the road; too often I live as if the world revolves around me. Life is a journey, and we're all at different places... by keeping that in perspective, perhaps I will refrain from bursting with frustration as often (no promises, though.... I'm a pretty forgetful, self-centered person at times)! So next time you see me caught in the traffic on my mind, I welcome you to slap me up silly and remind me there are other drivers too... and we're all on a journey together.

Entitlement vs. Freedom

Summer is meant to be care-free, relaxing, a nice break. Isn't it? Aren't I entitled to the right to experience the freedom the word summer implies? Many 20-year-olds are filling their schedules with camping trips, beach weekends, spontaneous adventures full of excitement... so I should be able to as well. Right??

Earlier today I was trying to explain the concept of entitlement to a 4-year-old who seemed to think that just because he wanted a new coloring page meant that he deserved to have it. Now, there's a difference between a child's desire to immediate gratification (a.k.a. impatience) as oppsed to an innate instinct to think oneself as deserving of certain rights. I deal with a lot of impatient children who are fairly easy to calm with the reminder of "let's be patient," but I find it much more difficult to address the deeply rooted belief of self-entitlement. Where do they get the idea of "I deserve it"? Better yet, where do I get the idea that I deserve a relaxing summer?

Of course, a typical response is "life isn't fair," but I'm not convinced this is the best answer. Should life be fair? Injustice, anger, frustration, and sadness rage constantly throughout our world. If life was "fair" shouldn't I experience trauma to a much greater degree? I have been blessed with an easy life in comparison to others, and if life was really "fair" I could just as quickly be in a worse situation than I am now as opposed to someone in immense suffering being elevated to a place of overall security. Either case could be deemed "fair," right? Instead of feeling victimized by meager misfortunes, I've been challenged to view injustices as a chance to extend blessings. (Not that I think a busy summer is an "injustice" to me... I've planned my own schedule and determined my own agenda so I really can't complain! I'm just at the point where I wish I would have allowed myself a bit more time to relax... here I face regret, not bitterness towards an injustice).

But sometimes I live with the idea that I am entitled to freedom on all levels just because I see someone else living the way I wish I could live. One author articulted this concept quite well, "That we expect fairness throughout our lives is obvious, but one has to wonder if expecting fairness is really the right way to approach life.  The world reeks of unfairness and injustice, and maybe identifying injustice in our journey is part of what makes life such an adventure.  I believe that when we identify injustice, God places in our hearts the desire to do something about it.  That pulling toward justice is what motivates us to become more involved in the world as caretakers of God’s creation.   It’s navigating through those injustices that we have our greatest learning experiences, and often injustice is what strikes the spark in our hearts to find ways to make corrections.
Maybe the reason God put this sense of fairness into our hearts is so that we would look around the world and see all of the injustice and in seeing it, be called to action.  If we aren’t called to action, we certainly should be, but it’s true that we sometimes ignore the call or are too busy to notice the inequities that surround us." ~April Terry

I love that Terry encourages others to use the feeling of injustice or frustration as a motivating means of action. I would like to emphasize, however, that a desire for fairness should also cause us to evaluate if we really want life to be fair. When I realize what I truly am "entitled" to based on the wretched sins I've committed, the disdainful attitudes I've held, the corruptness of my mind... I deserve to be punished. Forever. But I have been given GRACE. Through Christ's power enabling me to set aside my pride, I have accepted that grace.

The freedom that summer often implies echos an idealistic, skewed perception of reality. By recognizing what I deserve and acknowleding the beauty of what I have been given instead elicits an undescribable and insurmountable joy. Now I can live in Freedom.