Honey Bucket

Every time I'm driving and I see a Honey Bucket (outhouse) on the side of the road, I just have to chuckle. HONEY BUCKET?? Really? That phrase makes for such a gross picture in my head, I can't even tell you. But, I do suppose it's clever euphemism.


Have you ever felt like a honey bucket yourself? (Don't over-think that one, please!) I just mean... have you ever tried to put on a sweet external facade when inside you're melting with fear, bursting with anger, or just wanting to collapse? Hiding your true emotions from people who care about you is one of the most frustrating things to try and do... so why do we do it so often?


Fear of rejection? Inner turmoil? Negative self-deprecation? Embarrassment? I could probably keep going for there isn't one answer all the time. But none of the answers are good reasons; they're real, yes, but not good. (Okay the only one I can come up with that's acceptable- politeness... I understand there are some times it's necessary to put on a professional front when you're falling apart inside... but right now I'm talking about why aren't we real with people who know us and care about us?) There are even times I peg people as untrustworthy, but I think this can be just another excuse. More often than not, fear of vulnerability is deeper rooted... especially with close friends who I know I can trust. 


It seems to come down to lack of something. I've heard it called many things- loving yourself, being happy with who you are, personal acceptance... but I've never really liked any of those terms. There will always be things I dislike about myself and seek to change/grow in, so the satisfaction of self must go deeper than personality and character (things that are dynamic).


To me, it makes more sense to identify the thing missing as self-worth. From where you gather this self-worth, however, varies. As a Christian, I am able to find unchanging self-worth in the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. I know how unworthy I am as an individual apart from Christ (my rebellious heart, destructive thoughts, harmful actions), but I also know I don't have to be identified by my sinful nature.


Paul beautifully addresses this paradox in Romans 8: 9-17.... 
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."


If you didn't read all of that, the jist is that identification with Christ by means of the Holy Spirit brings life. Grab on to the reigns of worth attached directly to the author of Life.


Oh how there are times where I feel like I'm rotting inside... and in these times I dare not let anyone in. My head screams with pain trying to escape while my face protects a smile; a lifted chin and pulled back shoulders attempt to hide a crying heart. I cling to the honey-bucket of my old self rather than claiming present identity in my Savior. 


When I hold fast to Jesus, I have no excuse to hide behind a smile. There is no fear, embarrassment, or disappointment when I see myself as God sees me- covered by the blood of the Lamb, righteous and pure in Him.