As I was leaving the gym tonight, I found myself in a mopey mood. I don't really know why, but I just didn't feel myself. I made my way to the little white toyota camry I borrowed from my parents (my car is almost out of gas, and I didn't feel like stopping tonight) and started the car for the 6 minute drive home. I noticed the inside of my car was pretty dark, but I didn't think too much of it.
I was making my way down Division in the left lane when a creepy man tried to pull his suburban right up beside me. When I got into the left turn lane, he pulled close to the line and I stayed a bit farther back to avoid making any annoying eye contact. I just didn't feel like communicating with anyone at the moment, even non-verbally. Still annoyed and even grumpier, I quickly turned left at the signal.
Well, I made my way up the little side street, and after one little hill I saw bright flashing red and blue lights in my rear-view mirror. Now, at first I thought the vehicle just needed to get by me, but of course he pulled up right on my tail and stopped. That's right- I was being pulled over! Immediately I panicked. I turned off the radio, grabbed my wallet... and the tears began to flow. I fiddled with the window for quite a while until I finally figured out how to get it down as the car was still quite dark. By the time the officer reached my window, I was already a wreck. I had my debit card in my hand (yeah- what on earth was I thinking?!?! It was the first card I reached for out of my wallet) and was basically bawling at this point. He could see I was pretty confused, and gently said, "All I need is your licence and registration." I quickly traded my debit card for my license and began searching frantically for the registration within the glove-box. I started to explain this was my parents' car, and I didn't know where the registration was. He didn't seem to want the owner's manual for the little toyota....
He calmly asked if everything was okay as the tears continued to pour from my eyes. I assured him that I was just really tired. "Officer, I've never been pulled over," I managed to squeak out through tears, "I don't know what to do." My mind blurred as I pictured myself being escorted to jail as a thief of some boring white camry. Where the heck was the registration??
"Is there a reason your lights aren't on?" he said with a slight smile.
"Um.. what?" I stuttered as I searched around the steering wheel for a way to turn them on. "Oh, I thought it was awfully dark in here..." I managed to whimper. That's it- he must think this is stolen if I can't even find the stinkin lights!
The officer carefully reached his hand through the window and twisted the left knob on the little stick thing protruding form the steering wheel until my headlights finally appeared. "You feel pretty silly now, don't you?" he mocked lightly. "Yes, I feel very silly... I'm so sorry," I continued to mumble.
For about the eightieth time he asked if I was okay. Now embarassment was falling from my eyes in liquid form- ceaselessly. He finally ended by urging, "just pull yourself together before you get back on the road." After he returned to his car, I sat stunned, unsure if I was allowed to drive away or not. He was the first to pull out after a short bit of time, and I continued choking back tears, attempting to pull myself together. I drove the rest of the way home at least 5 miles under the speed limit with my eyes glued to the road, hands shaking as I tried to grip the wheel confidently. It's over. You didn't get arrested. You didn't get a ticket. You didn't even get a harsh warning from the officer! Girl, you better not let that happen again, I sternly told myself.
Words of reprimand continued to flood my thoughts as I swore never to do anything "silly" again. I could feel myself spiraling down a never-ending path of self-destruction. You deserved to get a ticket... or worse... don't ever do anything like that again! I let myself soak in embarassment, fearful anyone would ever find out of this horrible experience.
Then, the lights came on in my own head. Kristina, why do you take things SO seriously?? Come on now, that whole incident was pretty funny... Laugh if off! You're probably going to do several more stupid things in your life, so you better learn to deal with it in a healthy way! Tears are often your first reaction, but are they really necessary?? You're FINE!
Yes, I will do many more "silly" things in my life, I'm sure... and I'll probably shed a few more tears. But by God's grace, the lights will continue to come on, and I'll keep stepping out of this skewed view of a perfect reality... inch by inch. I will likely react with tears in many more cases, but perhaps they will dissolve even faster next time. I refuse to allow myself to miss out on the joys of life by wallowing in a pit of inwardly-focused despair.
Don't get caught in the dark. But when you do, embrace the light when you see it flicker.
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