The transition into a new year inevitably beckons reflection on the old. As I mull over the happenings of 2011, feelings of joy, sorrow, disappointment, elation, pain, anxiety, peace, satisfaction... tumble within my heart and erupt in an overflow of thankfulness. A thankfulness emerges for both the trialling and the trifling, the sorrows and the joys, the pain and the growth... the beauty of God's grace amidst it all.
2011 was a gift.
One of the strongest aspects of that gift was the people who appeared in my life. Whether by briefly touching my heart or stamping a lasting seal of friendship, my life has been changed through God's generous gift of relationships. With some, our lives only crossed for a moment before the Lord set our paths on different trajectories... their impact, however, will linger within my memory. With others, the memories we've shared will only propel us into future experiences, connecting us in the coming years. Regardless of how shallow or intimate they have been, the depth to the variety of relationships has left lasting imprints on my life.
Moreover, those relationships have awakened my eyes, mind, and heart to knowing my Lord deeper and fuller. The gifts he've lavished upon me would not be true gifts unless they pointed me towards him. I must continue worshiping the Giver rather than the gifts, lest I commit idolatry. When my satisfaction lingers on the blessings alone, I miss out on experiencing deeper joy in my Lord.
May the desire of my heart not be to seek joy; may it be to enjoy God forever, the infinitely glorious Giver of every good and perfect gift (James 1:17).
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Walls
Walls
Hand-crafted bricks
Meticulously sculpted.
Adhered with tears,
A seal too strong to break.
Each one is placed
Next to another.
Stacked side by side
No light between the cracks
Soon height increases
And width expands
Once a few bricks
Now a strong wall
Emerges.
Built to stand firm
Unscathed, unmoved
Intended never to fall
The rough, calloused texture
Of the cemented stones
Threatens to proclaim
The ugliness of the wall
Then appears thick, white paint
To hide the hideous bricks
And deceitfully appear
Beautiful
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sagebrush
Mid-way through October, I was blessed with the opportunity to go with a group of sixth grade students to Central Oregon. If you know me, it's no surprise that I had been anticipating this trip since June! When any opportunity arises that combines spending time teaching kids with the aroma of juniper trees and sagebrush (I'll come back to this, but I hope you know it's one of the most incredible smells ever), I will never be able to say no... top it off with a break from the stress of school and you've got a recipe for a great time!
I loved every minute of the trip... from waking up at 5:15 am to chat around the campfire with some awesome Counselors... to cramming 30+ tired, dirty campers on a bus ringing with melodious camp and worship songs (almost always sung off-tune)... to hiking up and down multiple trails, identifying trees, imagining what it was like to be an original Pioneer coming across the Oregon Trail... I wouldn't trade the week for anything.
While on the trip, I was overwhelmed with how much I enjoyed the break. A break from myself.
Rather than focusing on everything I have to do for school, I was able to step back and pour into others. I'm at the point of grave annoyance with how self-focused I am during school. It shouldn't have to be that way! I just can't figure out how to get around it.... No matter how much I try and pour myself into other people, at the end of the day, I'm stuck thinking about all I have to do (for myself) the next day. Yes, there are ways to be involved and reach out to others even while in school, but I feel a lingering tension that I can't get past... I know I'm not explaining it very well (and I probably just sound like the most selfish person, but I feel almost trapped in a box of self-centerdness while I'm at school.
Now, back to the sagebrush... If you haven't had the opportunity to inhale the aroma of this fragrant little plant, you must. Seriously. On several occasions over the course of the few days, I remembered to stuff several small branches into the pockets of my coat. A few from the banks of the Deschutes, a couple from around the campground, and a handful from the park at Sisters just for good measure. However, I completely forgot to remove them from my pockets before they reached their dry, crumbly stage... and for this I am ever so grateful!
Every time I use my coat pockets as an attempt to warm my hands from the chilling October air, tiny particles of sagebrush-scented fumes permeate the skin of my fingers and latch on to the surface of my hands. And every time I remove my hands from the fragrant pockets, the sweet smell of sagebrush sweeps through the air, leaving a smile on my face. I can't help but be filled with happiness, even if the moment is brief. It makes me wonder... how can I be that breath of joy to others? How can I bless others like sagebrush blesses me (as silly as that sounds)?
Maybe it's not about constantly doing things for others (I'm not down-playing this, only questioning if this is realistic and healthy). Could it possibly have more to do with just being? Being a refreshing presence, an encouragement... I know that sounds vague, but let's just go with it for a bit. The broken, crumbly branch of sagebrush is not producing any sweet scent at this point, it's simply just hanging out in my pocket. Because it's not connected to the original plant, it will eventually cease smelling good altogether. I don't want that to be me. But what about the rest of the branches (the lucky ones that didn't get plucked from the living plant))... they will continue to produce a wonderful aroma because they're connected to the source. They need only to be.. but they must be in relation to the living plant.
If I want to be a blessing to others, I have to recognize that I must be connected to Christ. I am nothing by a broken, crumbly branch on my own. However, his fragrant aroma can escape through me if I am alive in him... and then I can just be sagebrush.
I loved every minute of the trip... from waking up at 5:15 am to chat around the campfire with some awesome Counselors... to cramming 30+ tired, dirty campers on a bus ringing with melodious camp and worship songs (almost always sung off-tune)... to hiking up and down multiple trails, identifying trees, imagining what it was like to be an original Pioneer coming across the Oregon Trail... I wouldn't trade the week for anything.
While on the trip, I was overwhelmed with how much I enjoyed the break. A break from myself.
Rather than focusing on everything I have to do for school, I was able to step back and pour into others. I'm at the point of grave annoyance with how self-focused I am during school. It shouldn't have to be that way! I just can't figure out how to get around it.... No matter how much I try and pour myself into other people, at the end of the day, I'm stuck thinking about all I have to do (for myself) the next day. Yes, there are ways to be involved and reach out to others even while in school, but I feel a lingering tension that I can't get past... I know I'm not explaining it very well (and I probably just sound like the most selfish person, but I feel almost trapped in a box of self-centerdness while I'm at school.
Now, back to the sagebrush... If you haven't had the opportunity to inhale the aroma of this fragrant little plant, you must. Seriously. On several occasions over the course of the few days, I remembered to stuff several small branches into the pockets of my coat. A few from the banks of the Deschutes, a couple from around the campground, and a handful from the park at Sisters just for good measure. However, I completely forgot to remove them from my pockets before they reached their dry, crumbly stage... and for this I am ever so grateful!
Every time I use my coat pockets as an attempt to warm my hands from the chilling October air, tiny particles of sagebrush-scented fumes permeate the skin of my fingers and latch on to the surface of my hands. And every time I remove my hands from the fragrant pockets, the sweet smell of sagebrush sweeps through the air, leaving a smile on my face. I can't help but be filled with happiness, even if the moment is brief. It makes me wonder... how can I be that breath of joy to others? How can I bless others like sagebrush blesses me (as silly as that sounds)?
Maybe it's not about constantly doing things for others (I'm not down-playing this, only questioning if this is realistic and healthy). Could it possibly have more to do with just being? Being a refreshing presence, an encouragement... I know that sounds vague, but let's just go with it for a bit. The broken, crumbly branch of sagebrush is not producing any sweet scent at this point, it's simply just hanging out in my pocket. Because it's not connected to the original plant, it will eventually cease smelling good altogether. I don't want that to be me. But what about the rest of the branches (the lucky ones that didn't get plucked from the living plant))... they will continue to produce a wonderful aroma because they're connected to the source. They need only to be.. but they must be in relation to the living plant.
If I want to be a blessing to others, I have to recognize that I must be connected to Christ. I am nothing by a broken, crumbly branch on my own. However, his fragrant aroma can escape through me if I am alive in him... and then I can just be sagebrush.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Two-Word Challenge
Recently I've felt that almost every conversation I've had with friends, family, professors, mentors, even the checkout lady at the grocery store has been thickly coated with frustration, exhaustion, weariness, and negativity. I am getting more and more annoyed with how frequently I complain (and this probably sounds like I'm complaining about complaining haha so sorry!). Why is it so easy to get hung up on the negatives?! Seriously, I'm embarrassed to admit how much I complain! The verbal complaints, however, are merely a reflection of the negative focus inside me.
And that needs to change.
I remember a challenge once posed to me by a high school teacher.... it revolved around the idea of saying two little words as a way to refocus thoughts and change perspective....
These two words? "Thank you!"
My class and I were encouraged to reconsider the value of these words in regards not only to the one receiving the thanks, but in how they affect the one giving thanks. It's easy to emphasize the importance of thanking someone who deserves to be thanked, to giving thanks when things are pleasant, and to be thankful for the blessings that have been abundantly poured out upon you, but it's a little bit more difficult to say "thank you" when things don't seem to be going your way. What would happen if you were to be thankful in all situations? How would saying these words affect personal perspective?
And that needs to change.
I remember a challenge once posed to me by a high school teacher.... it revolved around the idea of saying two little words as a way to refocus thoughts and change perspective....
These two words? "Thank you!"
My class and I were encouraged to reconsider the value of these words in regards not only to the one receiving the thanks, but in how they affect the one giving thanks. It's easy to emphasize the importance of thanking someone who deserves to be thanked, to giving thanks when things are pleasant, and to be thankful for the blessings that have been abundantly poured out upon you, but it's a little bit more difficult to say "thank you" when things don't seem to be going your way. What would happen if you were to be thankful in all situations? How would saying these words affect personal perspective?
I vividly remember the first day I took this challenge of first saying "thank you" as a response to any situation... I woke up determined to be thankful for everything. Easy enough! I even stopped for coffee on the way to school so I would be sure to have a great day :)
Well, right as I was pulling my car away (coffee cup balanced precariously in my hands as I struggled to steer safely), a good amount of hot, caffeinated liquid sloshed out of my handy dandy travel mug all over my lap! My instincts prompted me toward frustration- it's hot!!! And there's no time to go home and change! This is gonna be a GREAT day now! But a little flag went of in my head reminding me of my "thankful" vow earlier that morning. Seriously? This is dumb. I have no reason to be thankful for my coffee spilling, I thought to myself.... Sure you do- now you'll smell like coffee all day! That's one of your favorite smells, right? It's perfect, combatted the stubbornness within me, not wanting to fail so early on. A little smirk made its way to my face, and the two words reshaped my thoughts... I went throughout the rest of my day full of genuine optimism, ready to challenge each situation with a "thank you."
So, perhaps it's time to pick up this challenge again... It provides a cool way of being optimistic without sacrificing realism. Every time I say those two simple words, I find my perspective immediately changes. The situation doesn't change necessarily, but attitude does. Instead of allowing my thoughts to fixate on things that are bothering me, fears that are distracting me, or daunting tasks ahead of me, I can shift my thoughts toward things for which I can be thankful. They is always something!!!! I have a feeling that as soon as I start looking for them, I'll see more and more...
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise..." Philippians 4:8, NLT
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Running
"What are you running from?"
Such a common question to be faced with when someone catches you (or you catch yourself) running from fears, challenges, frustrations.... I do think this is an important question to ask and to be asked, but perhaps there is an even greater question that should be asked as well...
Let's start with the first one, though :) "What are you running from?" Internal conflict? Suppressed fear of failure? Insecurity? Financial stresses? Family tension? Negative circumstances? Encouragement? Vulnerability? Advice? The list goes on.... everyone has run from something at some point in their life... I've looked back on how I've lived and have undoubtedly run from a wide array of pressures, both positive and negative. Yes, I've run from fear of imperfection, but I've also run from support of friends. I've run from experiencing sorrow, and I've run from encouragement. It's definitely important to recognize these things and deal with them appropriately, but it shouldn't stop there.
What is perhaps even more important is "what are you running to?"
When you run, you often have a destination... even if it's not pre-determined, it's arguably still in existence. A finish line exists even if you don't see it until you get there. For some, that goal is destructive.... for others it is repairing. In my own life I've allowed myself to run "without a destination," but the place in which I arrive almost always has negative repercussions. In running from pain, I've landed in bitterness. In running from advice, I've ended up in brokenness. I really don't think it's possible to run without a destination, even if you intend to run forever. You eventually stop, and that becomes the destination.
Maybe it's not necessarily bad to run from something as long as the destination is positive. (And by positive, I mean the destination will help you address what you were running from in the first place). For example, when you run from pain, why not run to peace that will penetrate the sorrow and provide healing? Or when you run from tension, why not run to wisdom that will enable you to deal with the tension appropriately? Maybe running isn't bad as long as you're heading in the right place...
Such a common question to be faced with when someone catches you (or you catch yourself) running from fears, challenges, frustrations.... I do think this is an important question to ask and to be asked, but perhaps there is an even greater question that should be asked as well...
Let's start with the first one, though :) "What are you running from?" Internal conflict? Suppressed fear of failure? Insecurity? Financial stresses? Family tension? Negative circumstances? Encouragement? Vulnerability? Advice? The list goes on.... everyone has run from something at some point in their life... I've looked back on how I've lived and have undoubtedly run from a wide array of pressures, both positive and negative. Yes, I've run from fear of imperfection, but I've also run from support of friends. I've run from experiencing sorrow, and I've run from encouragement. It's definitely important to recognize these things and deal with them appropriately, but it shouldn't stop there.
What is perhaps even more important is "what are you running to?"
When you run, you often have a destination... even if it's not pre-determined, it's arguably still in existence. A finish line exists even if you don't see it until you get there. For some, that goal is destructive.... for others it is repairing. In my own life I've allowed myself to run "without a destination," but the place in which I arrive almost always has negative repercussions. In running from pain, I've landed in bitterness. In running from advice, I've ended up in brokenness. I really don't think it's possible to run without a destination, even if you intend to run forever. You eventually stop, and that becomes the destination.
Maybe it's not necessarily bad to run from something as long as the destination is positive. (And by positive, I mean the destination will help you address what you were running from in the first place). For example, when you run from pain, why not run to peace that will penetrate the sorrow and provide healing? Or when you run from tension, why not run to wisdom that will enable you to deal with the tension appropriately? Maybe running isn't bad as long as you're heading in the right place...
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Warning Lights
Alright, I did it again... tears and cars seem to go hand it hand in my life! At least a police officer isn't involved this time...
I've had so many annoying warning lights come on in my car recently- "you need an oil change!" "low tire pressure," "yep- you're out of gas..." goodness it seems like there's always something wrong. Today as I was making my way toward the US border, the "low on gas" warning light came came on (for about the fifth time in the past week- when will I realize that 10 bucks here and there doesn't get me very far!) Anyway, I had been anticipating that light's appearance and was already headed to Washington to get gas. Luckily there was about a two second wait at the border, and I made it to the gas station in no time.
Another warning light has been on the past few days, though. Every time I turn my car on, it's been telling me to check the tire pressure... great! I haven't had time to deal with it until today. Not knowing where to go or what to do, I immediately call my dad. He suggests I start by looking at the tires, checking if any of them seem low (he's clearly the logical one in the family). Okay... any low-looking tires... um... nope! They all seem fine to me! He proceeds to tell me I should get the pressure checked somewhere, like a gas station... Luckily I'm right by one! It can't be too hard to check the tire pressure, right?
Wrong.
I'm such a girl. I don't have a clue what I'm doing... I'm letting air out of the tires, trying to attach some stupid nozzle thing, getting grease all over my hands from who knows where, having a miserable time, and just wanting someone to show me what the heck to do! Directions from my dad over the phone only go so far...
Then the tears come. Tears I've been holding back for weeks- tears filled with fear over my course load, missing people back home, anxiety about finances, doubt regarding my ability to stay sane over these next few months... all flooding out because of some low air pressure in my tires! I should know better than to bottle everything up... Yet I do it time and time again.
After regaining a tad bit of my composure, I headed back in to ask the gas station attendant for more quarters (reminder- I'm in stinkin Washington so there's no one outside to help me pump the gas or teach me how to check a tire haha lovely). The sweet lady behind the counter immediately senses my distress and follows me out to give it a go. She helps for a bit, and ends up pointing me to a Les Schwab right around the corner, right before giving me a big hug.
When I pull into Les Schwab, a droopy-eyed, grandpa-looking attendant comes to my rescue. He checks all 4 tires using some fancy tool (I'm told it's called a gauge) and adds air when necessary. Ten minutes later, I'm outta there! Headed back to Canada, back to school, back to stress.
Of course this whole incident got me thinking about several things. First of which, how I handle stress. I honestly have not felt "stressed" so far this semester until just recently. But I ignored the warning light when I sensed it coming... for some reason, I assume that if I say I'm okay over and over to a number of different people, I will be okay. For a while, maybe... but eventually something triggers the acknowledgement of stress's reality! By the time the fears are finally faced, their damages are way greater than they would have been if addressed earlier. I think it kinda goes back to the idea of recognizing emotions without labeling "good" or "bad;" I need to acknowledge when stress arrives rather than trying to convince myself the angst doesn't exist. Now, it's what I do afterwards that matters, perhaps even more than the acknowledgment.
When you're out of tire air pressure, you go to an appropriate place to get it filled, right? Mhmm. So when you're out of mental endurance and emotional stamina, where do you go to get it filled? Friends... Alcohol... Sex... Food... Drugs... Entertainment... Religion... Addictions... Sleep... the list goes on. Now, just think about it- the list goes on! We are always searching for something else to meet our needs, eliminate our exhaustion, and give us motivation for the day. But what actually works? If you put water into a tire, it's not gonna do much good (it might even damage it, but who am I to know all those details haha). Tires need air.
And people need rest. Not caffeine, not sleep, not a massive wake-up call... REST.
In Matthew 11:28, Jesus utters profoundly beautiful words... "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry." The offer of peace, not the promise of an easy life, stands available. Yet I all too often try and carry the weight of the world alone. God invites us to come to him in relationship, not religion, and find rest. We won't be filled otherwise.
I've had so many annoying warning lights come on in my car recently- "you need an oil change!" "low tire pressure," "yep- you're out of gas..." goodness it seems like there's always something wrong. Today as I was making my way toward the US border, the "low on gas" warning light came came on (for about the fifth time in the past week- when will I realize that 10 bucks here and there doesn't get me very far!) Anyway, I had been anticipating that light's appearance and was already headed to Washington to get gas. Luckily there was about a two second wait at the border, and I made it to the gas station in no time.
Another warning light has been on the past few days, though. Every time I turn my car on, it's been telling me to check the tire pressure... great! I haven't had time to deal with it until today. Not knowing where to go or what to do, I immediately call my dad. He suggests I start by looking at the tires, checking if any of them seem low (he's clearly the logical one in the family). Okay... any low-looking tires... um... nope! They all seem fine to me! He proceeds to tell me I should get the pressure checked somewhere, like a gas station... Luckily I'm right by one! It can't be too hard to check the tire pressure, right?
Wrong.
I'm such a girl. I don't have a clue what I'm doing... I'm letting air out of the tires, trying to attach some stupid nozzle thing, getting grease all over my hands from who knows where, having a miserable time, and just wanting someone to show me what the heck to do! Directions from my dad over the phone only go so far...
Then the tears come. Tears I've been holding back for weeks- tears filled with fear over my course load, missing people back home, anxiety about finances, doubt regarding my ability to stay sane over these next few months... all flooding out because of some low air pressure in my tires! I should know better than to bottle everything up... Yet I do it time and time again.
After regaining a tad bit of my composure, I headed back in to ask the gas station attendant for more quarters (reminder- I'm in stinkin Washington so there's no one outside to help me pump the gas or teach me how to check a tire haha lovely). The sweet lady behind the counter immediately senses my distress and follows me out to give it a go. She helps for a bit, and ends up pointing me to a Les Schwab right around the corner, right before giving me a big hug.
When I pull into Les Schwab, a droopy-eyed, grandpa-looking attendant comes to my rescue. He checks all 4 tires using some fancy tool (I'm told it's called a gauge) and adds air when necessary. Ten minutes later, I'm outta there! Headed back to Canada, back to school, back to stress.
Of course this whole incident got me thinking about several things. First of which, how I handle stress. I honestly have not felt "stressed" so far this semester until just recently. But I ignored the warning light when I sensed it coming... for some reason, I assume that if I say I'm okay over and over to a number of different people, I will be okay. For a while, maybe... but eventually something triggers the acknowledgement of stress's reality! By the time the fears are finally faced, their damages are way greater than they would have been if addressed earlier. I think it kinda goes back to the idea of recognizing emotions without labeling "good" or "bad;" I need to acknowledge when stress arrives rather than trying to convince myself the angst doesn't exist. Now, it's what I do afterwards that matters, perhaps even more than the acknowledgment.
When you're out of tire air pressure, you go to an appropriate place to get it filled, right? Mhmm. So when you're out of mental endurance and emotional stamina, where do you go to get it filled? Friends... Alcohol... Sex... Food... Drugs... Entertainment... Religion... Addictions... Sleep... the list goes on. Now, just think about it- the list goes on! We are always searching for something else to meet our needs, eliminate our exhaustion, and give us motivation for the day. But what actually works? If you put water into a tire, it's not gonna do much good (it might even damage it, but who am I to know all those details haha). Tires need air.
And people need rest. Not caffeine, not sleep, not a massive wake-up call... REST.
In Matthew 11:28, Jesus utters profoundly beautiful words... "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry." The offer of peace, not the promise of an easy life, stands available. Yet I all too often try and carry the weight of the world alone. God invites us to come to him in relationship, not religion, and find rest. We won't be filled otherwise.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Anxiety.
Anxiety creeps in like a sly serpent seeking to strangle everything in its path. Triggered by a smell, a thought, a sound, a touch... once it arrives, it plans to stay. As one glimpse of worry enters the mind, all hope of clarity is erased. Instant debilitation. Pressure, pain, fear, and stress intoxicate the mind to no end. Heart is racing, hands are shaking... mind is numb. Darkness won't relent. It reaches all aspects of emotion and thought, imprisoning the body forcefully. Bound by chains of fear- physically, mentally, emotionally- all focus is lost by Anxiety.
But it takes only one flicker of light to penetrate the dark.
Ignite the flame and watch the depth of blackness fade.
Hope is freeing.
But it takes only one flicker of light to penetrate the dark.
Ignite the flame and watch the depth of blackness fade.
Hope is freeing.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Disconnect
Logic looks about with his bird's eye view of life. He listens to Experience, dialogues with Reason, and never ceases making Sense. Logic has an approach to life that supersedes all other ways; after all, he resides in Head, the most important part of the body. If Head didn't work, nothing would work.
Emotion focuses on what's right in front of her. With one hand holding Feeling and the other attached to Mood, Emotion cares little of listening to Logic. She knows that Logic resides in Head, a part inferior to her residence, Heart. For if Heart didn't work, nothing would work.
Each believes the other inferior, causing pride and ignorance, tension and discord. The two rarely listen to each other and never agree- Logic and Emotion don't connect.
Two inhabitants of one body, residing in complete opposition and unwilling to make peace. Eventually, a battle will occur. Eventually, one will win. Logic and Emotion are both too stubborn to give in, but undoubtedly one will rise, one will fall.
Unless... Balance arrives. He must convince Logic and Emotion they need each other. For if Head explodes, Heart will fail; if Heart breaks, Head will soon collapse. What Logic and Emotion fail to see is the beauty that lies in the other. They must make peace, they must be connected.
Balance, come quickly. Please.
Too often there is disconnect between what I know to be logically true and to what my emotions tell me. Logically it makes sense to get up when the alarm goes off, but I certainly feel otherwise (ok, lame example). Let me try again... in my head I know that I'll make it through this semester (and I'll enjoy it!), but anxiety creeps into my heart on too many occasions, flooding me with doubt, fear, and stress. Or how about when my mind was fixated on the negatives of such a heavy semester while I feel completely hopeful and excited for what it holds. Why can't my logical brain and emotional heart just get on the same page already!
I wish I could figure out some simple way to solve the problem of logic and emotion disconnect. But I'm stuck trying to balance the two polar opposites, waiting for the two to finally get along.
Emotion focuses on what's right in front of her. With one hand holding Feeling and the other attached to Mood, Emotion cares little of listening to Logic. She knows that Logic resides in Head, a part inferior to her residence, Heart. For if Heart didn't work, nothing would work.
Each believes the other inferior, causing pride and ignorance, tension and discord. The two rarely listen to each other and never agree- Logic and Emotion don't connect.
Two inhabitants of one body, residing in complete opposition and unwilling to make peace. Eventually, a battle will occur. Eventually, one will win. Logic and Emotion are both too stubborn to give in, but undoubtedly one will rise, one will fall.
Unless... Balance arrives. He must convince Logic and Emotion they need each other. For if Head explodes, Heart will fail; if Heart breaks, Head will soon collapse. What Logic and Emotion fail to see is the beauty that lies in the other. They must make peace, they must be connected.
Balance, come quickly. Please.
Too often there is disconnect between what I know to be logically true and to what my emotions tell me. Logically it makes sense to get up when the alarm goes off, but I certainly feel otherwise (ok, lame example). Let me try again... in my head I know that I'll make it through this semester (and I'll enjoy it!), but anxiety creeps into my heart on too many occasions, flooding me with doubt, fear, and stress. Or how about when my mind was fixated on the negatives of such a heavy semester while I feel completely hopeful and excited for what it holds. Why can't my logical brain and emotional heart just get on the same page already!
I wish I could figure out some simple way to solve the problem of logic and emotion disconnect. But I'm stuck trying to balance the two polar opposites, waiting for the two to finally get along.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Distractions
I'm prone to think of "distraction" as an inherently negative word. Distractions steal focus, cloud vision, and prohibit you from reaching goals. They are unwelcome in all areas of life. They should be recognized, roped in, and repressed quickly to avoid negative consequences of giving in to them. To be distracted is to be tricked into focusing your energy and attention on something less important that what you should be doing.
Is that really true? I honestly have thought that way before, but I believe my opinion might be shifting. It seems to me that distractions can be beneficial. At least they can provide encouragement, comfort, even growth if you let them. In that case, then, I suppose they aren't really distractions but enhancers.
Is that really true? I honestly have thought that way before, but I believe my opinion might be shifting. It seems to me that distractions can be beneficial. At least they can provide encouragement, comfort, even growth if you let them. In that case, then, I suppose they aren't really distractions but enhancers.
Today I was enjoying time just sitting by a lake and reading, soaking up the glorious Indian Summers we get in BC. As much as I love the book I'm reading, I found myself distracted by the stunning scenery and the variety of birds surrounding the premises. Great Blue Heron, Kingfishers, Canada Geese... every time I saw movement I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting off the page and settling on the birds. Distraction flocked around me and trumped the pleasure I found in reading my book. As I was leaving though, I reconsidered my view of these "distractions." At first they kept me from engaging fully in what I had originally intended (reading my book), but they enhanced the overall experience of my time at the lake. They did take away time and focus from my book, but they replaced that with different enjoyment than I would have experienced otherwise.
I wonder what other "distractions" will be shaped into "enhancers" in my life. Time spent with friends and family can keep me from engaging in my schoolwork, but that quality time with others can potentially impact my life greater than my homework will, or enhance it. On the other hand, dedication to what I'm studying can positively influence my worldview even though it might distract me from calling home or taking a walk with a friend. So how do you decide if a distraction is really a distraction or not? I honestly don't have an answer... but I don't think it's necessarily important to find one. What matters more is having a willingness to set aside preconceived notions and embrace the potential every distraction has for enhancing your life. (At the same time, it's probably not best to use that as an excuse to avoid doing what you know you should be doing but don't want to do, if that makes any sense. It's easy to swing too far on the other side of the pendulum, but I'd rather not get into that haha).
Basically, I'm learning to reevaluate my use of yet another word. By embracing a "distraction," perhaps I will find my life enhanced by something even greater.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Ready or Not
Less than twelve hours from now, and I'll be sitting in my first class of my 3rd year of University.... nope, I am not ready by any means! Do I even have my books? Of course not!!! (I've learned you really don't need them until the second week at least haha I just can't commit yet).
The excitement of a new school year brings me joy- being reunited with friends from previous years, having the chance to meet new people, anticipating the wealth of knowledge I'll be faced with (and the choice to cram it in my puny head or to try and actually grasp what I'm studying)... I am honestly looking forward to this year.
But along with the pleasant expectations, "the unknown" carries a looming burden of fear and uneasiness. I certainly don't feel mentally, emotionally, or even physically prepared for this year, but who ever does? (if you do or have in the past, be grateful). I just keep telling myself that I'll be fine once I get into a routine. At this point, there's no use fighting it- I better suck it up and embrace what's coming.
One of my biggest fears, though, is being stuck in the mindset of, "just make it through this [day, week, month, semester] and it'll be okay." I don't want to get caught living in the future! I want to enjoy each and every day as it comes- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to smile in the sunshine, laugh in the rain, and dance in the storms. I refuse to let frustrating situations steal my joy. There will always be something to complain about- a low ink cartridge and papers won't print, out of milk and no time to go to the store, a late assignment to shatter my GPA, sad news from people back home... things are gonna happen during these next few months that will tempt me to embrace discouragement and depression. So I better be prepared.
Am I nervous for this year? Absolutely. But I'm confident it's gonna be great. I know that I will come away as a changed person, and I'm excited to see what that looks like. My hope is resting not in who I am, but in my Lord alone. Therefore, I'm ready.
The excitement of a new school year brings me joy- being reunited with friends from previous years, having the chance to meet new people, anticipating the wealth of knowledge I'll be faced with (and the choice to cram it in my puny head or to try and actually grasp what I'm studying)... I am honestly looking forward to this year.
But along with the pleasant expectations, "the unknown" carries a looming burden of fear and uneasiness. I certainly don't feel mentally, emotionally, or even physically prepared for this year, but who ever does? (if you do or have in the past, be grateful). I just keep telling myself that I'll be fine once I get into a routine. At this point, there's no use fighting it- I better suck it up and embrace what's coming.
One of my biggest fears, though, is being stuck in the mindset of, "just make it through this [day, week, month, semester] and it'll be okay." I don't want to get caught living in the future! I want to enjoy each and every day as it comes- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to smile in the sunshine, laugh in the rain, and dance in the storms. I refuse to let frustrating situations steal my joy. There will always be something to complain about- a low ink cartridge and papers won't print, out of milk and no time to go to the store, a late assignment to shatter my GPA, sad news from people back home... things are gonna happen during these next few months that will tempt me to embrace discouragement and depression. So I better be prepared.
Am I nervous for this year? Absolutely. But I'm confident it's gonna be great. I know that I will come away as a changed person, and I'm excited to see what that looks like. My hope is resting not in who I am, but in my Lord alone. Therefore, I'm ready.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Afraid to Feel
Yesterday I was overwhelmed with a random spell of homesickness. It totally caught me off guard, and I felt ridiculous experiencing such emotions again. This is my third time leaving home, coming to school, getting re-settled... I should be fine, right? I didn't expect to be feeling homesick yet again!
Part of the problem is how different this year is going to be from the last two years. I'm terrified. Yesterday I embarked on a mission to the grocery store for the first time. Now, I've been shopping for myself before, but this time was different. I spent the first part of the day going through recipes, trying to plan meals, figure out a reasonable budget... it was awful haha. I couldn't help but thinking to myself, you have no idea what on earth you're doing. Just give up now! Ramen and cold cereal will be just fine. On top of that, I had to think about other important amenities like dish soap, toilet paper, and cleaning supplies! I ended up forgetting half the list and coming back to sit in silent solitude for the next few minutes, numb with fear and frustration.
As large crocodile tears streamed down my face, I continued attempting to suppress my emotions. You should not be feeling this way- homesickness was fine as a freshman, border-line understandable last year, but it's really not acceptable right now. I had it my head that it was wrong to feel overwhelmed
After talking to a friend last night, I was reminded of the fact that it's important to acknowledge our feelings without labeling them "good" or "bad." Regardless of their effects, feelings are real. It's how we handle our feelings that matters most.
So let yourself feel, but don't let your life be dictated by your feelings.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Humility in Jumping Rope
Jump rope was never my forte. EVER. Ya know when groups of kids would gather on the playground and jump for the entire recess... well that didn't include me. If I did put a brave face on and join the group, I was the one flipping the rope for everyone else... certainly not jumping.
So today, when 60+ students from student ministries had to each get through the jump line without messing up, I was petrified. When I finally got up enough courage to attempt throwing my body into the midst of a flailing rope, I quickly felt the burlap vine slapping against the back of my legs followed immediately by the front of my shins (yes- I somehow got hit twice!). I knew I was done-for before the real challenge even started (this was only practice time haha).
When the challenge began of getting everyone through without stopping, it was very evident that I would be one of the few constant strugglers. After about two minutes, I was graciously encouraged to take a spot near the front. No one wanted me at the end (for good reason) because I would likely be the one to mess up and ruin it for everyone! I honestly can't remember how many times I tripped over the rope or jumped at the wrong time, but I eventually figured it out (and, mind you, I wasn't the only one who messed up haha it just wasn't a huge surprise when I did). With physical nudges from people behind me and constant encouragement about when to jump or "you'll get it next time," I made it through more than once :)
It seemed to take an incredibly long time to get 60+ people through with no mistakes, but it felt so good when we finally reached our goal! Not gonna lie, I felt like the exercise was border-line juvenile and fairly "camp-ish," but I still learned from it and enjoyed the process overall. I found myself fighting the instincts to over-analyze the task at hand or to become discouraged and frustrated when I made a mistake, but the support of friends around me kept me going. Top off a mess-up with a bit of laughter, some good perspective (it's just a silly game), and a few high-fives... it was actually a fun experience.
Afterwards, of course, the group gathered for discussion and reflection. And what do ya know... I just happened to be one of the prime examples used in many of the life applications haha! As the "girl in the red sweater" who finally overcame her fear and figured out how to jump rope, I couldn't hide behind a shy facade for long. (Next time you find yourself in a position where you will be clearly recognized if you mess up, don't wear a bright color! lol). Honestly, though, I didn't feel too bad. I mean, someone has to mess up in order for a visual lesson to be learned, right? It just happened to be me this time :)
Throughout this experience, the need for positive community surged through my mind again. I know how prone to discouragement I can be when I fixate on my weaknesses, but I also know how beautiful it is to allow others to come alongside and provide strength. By covering another's weaknesses and capitalizing on their strengths, we can be part of a larger picture and take place in something greater than ourselves.
If life is like the jump rope game, we certainly need people going before us to show us the way, standing behind us to catch us when we fall, providing constant encouragement, and giving appropriate input when we make mistakes. It's hard to jump into a new experience (or even into a situation you've been through before but know is challenging), but it's ten times harder doing it alone. I'm learning to let go of my pride and allow others to use their strengths to fill in the gaps of my weakness. It's not worth jumping rope, or living life, alone.
So today, when 60+ students from student ministries had to each get through the jump line without messing up, I was petrified. When I finally got up enough courage to attempt throwing my body into the midst of a flailing rope, I quickly felt the burlap vine slapping against the back of my legs followed immediately by the front of my shins (yes- I somehow got hit twice!). I knew I was done-for before the real challenge even started (this was only practice time haha).
When the challenge began of getting everyone through without stopping, it was very evident that I would be one of the few constant strugglers. After about two minutes, I was graciously encouraged to take a spot near the front. No one wanted me at the end (for good reason) because I would likely be the one to mess up and ruin it for everyone! I honestly can't remember how many times I tripped over the rope or jumped at the wrong time, but I eventually figured it out (and, mind you, I wasn't the only one who messed up haha it just wasn't a huge surprise when I did). With physical nudges from people behind me and constant encouragement about when to jump or "you'll get it next time," I made it through more than once :)
It seemed to take an incredibly long time to get 60+ people through with no mistakes, but it felt so good when we finally reached our goal! Not gonna lie, I felt like the exercise was border-line juvenile and fairly "camp-ish," but I still learned from it and enjoyed the process overall. I found myself fighting the instincts to over-analyze the task at hand or to become discouraged and frustrated when I made a mistake, but the support of friends around me kept me going. Top off a mess-up with a bit of laughter, some good perspective (it's just a silly game), and a few high-fives... it was actually a fun experience.
Afterwards, of course, the group gathered for discussion and reflection. And what do ya know... I just happened to be one of the prime examples used in many of the life applications haha! As the "girl in the red sweater" who finally overcame her fear and figured out how to jump rope, I couldn't hide behind a shy facade for long. (Next time you find yourself in a position where you will be clearly recognized if you mess up, don't wear a bright color! lol). Honestly, though, I didn't feel too bad. I mean, someone has to mess up in order for a visual lesson to be learned, right? It just happened to be me this time :)
Throughout this experience, the need for positive community surged through my mind again. I know how prone to discouragement I can be when I fixate on my weaknesses, but I also know how beautiful it is to allow others to come alongside and provide strength. By covering another's weaknesses and capitalizing on their strengths, we can be part of a larger picture and take place in something greater than ourselves.
If life is like the jump rope game, we certainly need people going before us to show us the way, standing behind us to catch us when we fall, providing constant encouragement, and giving appropriate input when we make mistakes. It's hard to jump into a new experience (or even into a situation you've been through before but know is challenging), but it's ten times harder doing it alone. I'm learning to let go of my pride and allow others to use their strengths to fill in the gaps of my weakness. It's not worth jumping rope, or living life, alone.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Between the Blackberry Bushes
I just got back from a super great bike ride with a friend, and a fancy little analogy is just begging to be shared! haha I'll try and keep it short....
As we cautiously moved between the thorns, I got increasingly annoyed about how frequently I was getting poked! Now that I'm back, parts of my hands are red and itchy, which is even more frustrating. But I keep reminding myself- Blackberries are WEEDS! They're nasty non-native plants covered with pokey needles and thorns just waiting to latch on to exposed flesh, feathers, or whatever else they hook on to. Still, they taste so yummy. Good things can come from rough situations (do I sound like a broken record? haha so sorry).
I guess life can be like blackberry bushes (come on, you knew it was coming). Frustrations, trials, sticky situations... yet sweetness hiding under an unturned leaf.
In one of today's meetings, we were reminded to keep things in perspective. A positive attitude and mental toughness can help you overcome painful experiences. Combine those with a supportive community and a strong spiritual core, and you're good to go (please note that I didn't come up with those 4 points- they were taken from intensive US Army research on how to recover after traumatic experiences). If I'm honest, though, I know I need help keeping things in perspective. It takes frequent re-evaluation and often a second opinion for me to truly see things accurately. So when you have help picking out the berries between the thorny bushes, you'll likely end up with a pretty sweet handful of joy.
I guess life can be like blackberry bushes (come on, you knew it was coming). Frustrations, trials, sticky situations... yet sweetness hiding under an unturned leaf.
In one of today's meetings, we were reminded to keep things in perspective. A positive attitude and mental toughness can help you overcome painful experiences. Combine those with a supportive community and a strong spiritual core, and you're good to go (please note that I didn't come up with those 4 points- they were taken from intensive US Army research on how to recover after traumatic experiences). If I'm honest, though, I know I need help keeping things in perspective. It takes frequent re-evaluation and often a second opinion for me to truly see things accurately. So when you have help picking out the berries between the thorny bushes, you'll likely end up with a pretty sweet handful of joy.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Fire Poem (by Judy Brown)
Someone shared this poem today, and I wanted to remember it forever! I thought I might as well post it and share it with others too =) It might not be what you're expecting... I've heard many analogies related to fire, but never one along these lines. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
Fire
By Judy Brown
What makes a fire burn
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
is space between the logs,
a breathing space.
Too much of a good thing,
too many logs
packed in too tight
can douse the flames
almost as surely
as a pail of water would.
So building fires
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.
requires attention
to the spaces in between,
as much as to the wood.
When we are able to build
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.
open spaces
in the same way
we have learned
to pile on the logs,
then we can come to see how
it is fuel, and absence of the fuel
together, that make fire possible.
We only need to lay a log
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
lightly from time to time.
A fire
grows
simply because the space is there,
with openings
in which the flame
that knows just how it wants to burn
can find its way.
It's such a good reminder to take time to rest. It's not worth reaching breaking point because then nothing you do will be done well...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Peaceful Exhaustion
I have no way to describe how I feel other than utterly and completely exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically.... worn out. I feel as if all the energy has been sucked from within me over the past week, and I have nothing left to give. Surprisingly, though, I am not stressed.
What?? Kristina Reznick is not stressed? Such an anomaly I'm sure those of you who know me never thought it possible! Honestly, I didn't think so either. Stress has defined me countless times over the course of my life, and I haven't been able to figure out how to get rid of it. As sad as it sounds, I think I've held on to it as a sort of security blanket because it's what I've known for so long. But ya know what, I don't have to! Perhaps I'm learning to let go...
What?? Kristina Reznick is not stressed? Such an anomaly I'm sure those of you who know me never thought it possible! Honestly, I didn't think so either. Stress has defined me countless times over the course of my life, and I haven't been able to figure out how to get rid of it. As sad as it sounds, I think I've held on to it as a sort of security blanket because it's what I've known for so long. But ya know what, I don't have to! Perhaps I'm learning to let go...
Recentlly I was trying to explain to a friend how scattered I feel I'm living right now, but my words weren't coming out in a way that made any sense at all (fitting, right?). That's when God suddenly popped a picture of an Octopus into my head. (Yes, this is another ridiculous analogy.... so consider this your warning!). Ready for it??
Now, this octopus had about 20 tentacles as opposed to the usual 8... and each one was grasping on to something else while being pulled in 20ish different directions! Sad thing is, though, that the octopus was making zero prominant movement in any one direction. The silly thing was clinging onto so many things that he (okay, fine,"she") couldn't physically move towards any of them. And I realized that was me.
Family, work, friends, money, business, school, relationships... all entities that I've been trying to stretch myself across without saying no. In doing so, I haven't been able to fully immerse myself into any of them. I feel like exhaustion and weariness have dampened a little part of everything I've done, but it hasn't been necessary. I know God has been nudging me from time to time to let go of certain aspects of my life, but I've deliberately pushed those thoughts aside. I haven't wanted to stop being a stupid octopus.
It's at the point, though, where God is simply cutting things out of my life for me. (Okay, so the analogy I had in my head actually consisted of the octopus getting her tentacles chopped off one by one until only a little nub of an octopus body was left haha. That's probably a bit too graphic, but I don't know how else to say it). He's taking away some things from my life in extremely visible ways and others are much more vague. Redefinition of future dreams, removal of certain fears and doubts, and reconstruction of who I am... It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's changing within me, but I know He's at work.
So I come to the point where I feel like an octopus nub (cute, right??), yet I'm completely at peace. Over and over today, people have been asking "How are you? How was your summer? Are you ready to be back?" and I just give them a vacant stare haha. I have no idea what to say other than, "I'm exhausted, but I've got peace. And it'll be just fine." I have a lot to learn about handling stress, but I'm not afraid of stress because I'm one peacefully exhausted octopus nub right now! And so happy to be in this place.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Shattered
I've been wanting to write a post about the recent break in I experienced, but I've been having a difficult time thinking back to when it happened. I still vividly remember the initial shock and disbelief that washed over me as I first saw shattered glass by my car, then glass covering the inside passenger seat and floor, and finally a vacancy on the seat that catapolted a sick feeling into my stomach instantly. I don't need this now, I thought to myself angrily. I have so much to do before I leave for school in a few days and I seriously don't have time or energy to deal with this! There I go again... thinking the world revolves around me... I naïvely never thought this sort of thing would never happen to me... but who am I to think that I'm somehow immune to part of the pain in the world...
Throughout this week, however, I've seen God turn the situation into a blessing for His glory. Things have come together in ways only he can orchestrate... I feel so spoiled right now. Generous gifts, endless words of encouragement, offers of both financial and emotional support that I never expected. Thank you everyone who's been a part of turning this into good.
I have learned a great deal from this experience- first of which, of course, don't leave anything valuable in your car- especially in sight (or in a bookbag) haha. Secondly, I've been forced to re-evaluate my view of both material and sentimental possessions. I know that stuff is just stuff, but it was really painful to lose information, documents, pictures, songs, memories... that meants more to me than anyone else. It's hard knowing that I won't get any of that back, but it's even harder knowing the papers are likely in a dumpster and the rest has been wiped clean- someone else regards it as junk while I hold it with high value. As much as it hurts to lose it, though, it's not the end of the world! I still have the memories, some pictures (thank goodness for memory cards), stacks of printed papers of documents that were there... and life goes on.
More than that, I can have joy and be thankful in spite of the experience. As I was pulling out of the parking spot surrounded by broken glass, God prompted me to thank him. It's funny how saying those two little words can change your perspective entirely. No, I haven't been a perfectly happy camper since then, but I do have peace. And God is faithfully showing me there are far greater things in life than laptops, cars, and day planners (although, I can't explain how lost I initially felt without my day planner haha sad, but true). Every time I find another piece of broken glass in my car (I've been told it will likely keep finding glass for at least a year!), I will be thankful for what I've learned and how God has used the situation for good. They shattered the window, but not me.
Throughout this week, however, I've seen God turn the situation into a blessing for His glory. Things have come together in ways only he can orchestrate... I feel so spoiled right now. Generous gifts, endless words of encouragement, offers of both financial and emotional support that I never expected. Thank you everyone who's been a part of turning this into good.
I have learned a great deal from this experience- first of which, of course, don't leave anything valuable in your car- especially in sight (or in a bookbag) haha. Secondly, I've been forced to re-evaluate my view of both material and sentimental possessions. I know that stuff is just stuff, but it was really painful to lose information, documents, pictures, songs, memories... that meants more to me than anyone else. It's hard knowing that I won't get any of that back, but it's even harder knowing the papers are likely in a dumpster and the rest has been wiped clean- someone else regards it as junk while I hold it with high value. As much as it hurts to lose it, though, it's not the end of the world! I still have the memories, some pictures (thank goodness for memory cards), stacks of printed papers of documents that were there... and life goes on.
More than that, I can have joy and be thankful in spite of the experience. As I was pulling out of the parking spot surrounded by broken glass, God prompted me to thank him. It's funny how saying those two little words can change your perspective entirely. No, I haven't been a perfectly happy camper since then, but I do have peace. And God is faithfully showing me there are far greater things in life than laptops, cars, and day planners (although, I can't explain how lost I initially felt without my day planner haha sad, but true). Every time I find another piece of broken glass in my car (I've been told it will likely keep finding glass for at least a year!), I will be thankful for what I've learned and how God has used the situation for good. They shattered the window, but not me.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Bittersweet
So the content of this one is probably fairly predictable... end of summer... back to school in less than a week... saying goodbye... preparing to meet a new slew of people... as cliche as it is, I can't think of another way to describe it other than bittersweet.
Today I made my rounds saying bye to just about everyone I've babysat for this summer... so many smiles and hugs (high-fives from eight-year-old boys) were enough to last a lifetime. Then I stopped by work only to be blessed tenfold by the encouragement I received there as well! Finally, I've been nannying for one of the most precious families for the past several hours and just got the sweet kiddos tucked in bed with one last "you come again, okay?" from my 3-year-old shadow.
One of the hardest parts about leaving is knowing things will never be the same when I come back... I'm trying to find comfort in the memories I have from the summer, but that doesn't always seem to be enough. Yes, change is inevitable, but it sure isn't easy!
As I get ready to head back to BC, I'm filled with excitement over seeing friends, experiencing new classes, facing different challenges, and learning more about myself, others, and the world around me.... It's just this weird, annoying paradox of being pulled in two directions. Bittersweet.
Really, now, what's the point of something being bittersweet?? Shouldn't it all be sweet?? Of course, I want to answer, yes. But...
If there was no bitterness, how would you know sweetness? I guess if falls under the category of "contrast."White always seems whiter when it's against something pitch black. Sunshine always seems more beautiful after a lengthy torrential downpour. So, the sweet memories of summer will seem even sweeter amidst the fear and stress of leaving them behind. I will choose to savor them, even though they're bittersweet.
Today I made my rounds saying bye to just about everyone I've babysat for this summer... so many smiles and hugs (high-fives from eight-year-old boys) were enough to last a lifetime. Then I stopped by work only to be blessed tenfold by the encouragement I received there as well! Finally, I've been nannying for one of the most precious families for the past several hours and just got the sweet kiddos tucked in bed with one last "you come again, okay?" from my 3-year-old shadow.
One of the hardest parts about leaving is knowing things will never be the same when I come back... I'm trying to find comfort in the memories I have from the summer, but that doesn't always seem to be enough. Yes, change is inevitable, but it sure isn't easy!
As I get ready to head back to BC, I'm filled with excitement over seeing friends, experiencing new classes, facing different challenges, and learning more about myself, others, and the world around me.... It's just this weird, annoying paradox of being pulled in two directions. Bittersweet.
Really, now, what's the point of something being bittersweet?? Shouldn't it all be sweet?? Of course, I want to answer, yes. But...
If there was no bitterness, how would you know sweetness? I guess if falls under the category of "contrast."White always seems whiter when it's against something pitch black. Sunshine always seems more beautiful after a lengthy torrential downpour. So, the sweet memories of summer will seem even sweeter amidst the fear and stress of leaving them behind. I will choose to savor them, even though they're bittersweet.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Beautiful Mind
Mind is racing, Body's still.
Thoughts quicken, Sleep beckons.
Can't stop thinking, wishing, stressing,
Insomnia taunts relentlessly.
Yesterday's memories, Tomorrow's worries
Collide in Mind's vacaant spaces,
Preventing rest from finding a home
While Mind refuses to make room.
Soon Darkness rages, Mind is working
Even when Sleep has arrived.
Thoughts don't stop, Mind keeps going,
Inviting dreams and nightmares inside.
In the silence of the Night,
Mind is moving
With the breaking of the Dawn,
She continues to race.
Light awakens new stimuli.
Every sight, sound, and smell
Triggers a new thought.
Mind does not take a break.
No off button exists,
No way to press pause,
The Mind is a beautiful thing.
Thoughts quicken, Sleep beckons.
Can't stop thinking, wishing, stressing,
Insomnia taunts relentlessly.
Yesterday's memories, Tomorrow's worries
Collide in Mind's vacaant spaces,
Preventing rest from finding a home
While Mind refuses to make room.
Soon Darkness rages, Mind is working
Even when Sleep has arrived.
Thoughts don't stop, Mind keeps going,
Inviting dreams and nightmares inside.
In the silence of the Night,
Mind is moving
With the breaking of the Dawn,
She continues to race.
Light awakens new stimuli.
Every sight, sound, and smell
Triggers a new thought.
Mind does not take a break.
No off button exists,
No way to press pause,
The Mind is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Driving through Life
As I was driving down the freeway a few days ago, I was struck with the very obvious realization that there is a person driving every single car I see. Duh, right? Just hear me out....
I remember a long time ago mentioning to someone that cars seem to resemble different bugs as they're driving towards you... some have small glowing headlight eyes, others have huge forehead windshields, and others even have weird grid mouths... my 6-year-old brain (I was probably way older, but let's just go with 6 for the sake of my embarassment haha) enjoyed connecting the huge vehicles around me to small, obsolete insects that couldn't harm me at all. The adult I was talking to did not share the same fascination and quickly reprimanded me for such foolish thinking. I was encouraged never to forget that people drive the cars and can do crazy stuff at any moment so you must drive defensively. When you think of cars as bugs, you forget they are operated by people.
So all that came back to me a few days ago as I starred into the faces of drivers coming towards me. Where was she going? From where was he coming? How were they feeling at that very moment? Something clicked in my head- every car has a driver and every driver has a story. I haven't thought of cars as bugs in quite a while, but I also haven't stopped to recognize that each person on the road is at a particular place in life. Perhaps leisurly enjoying the drive while just loving life... or facing frustrating construction and road-work of a difficult situation... maybe sitting through heavy traffic of anxiety and depression... or driving carelessing through the country savoring a sweet breeze of blessings... perhaps navigating through winding, unfamiliar territory... even speeding from one place to the next just to get through life.
When I looked at the faces of the people in the midst of the oncoming traffic, I saw people scarred by the pains of the past, weighed down by the present demands of life, emotionally exhausted from worrying about the future... real people with real problems, not mindless insects driving in perfectly straight lines. Everyone swerves, speeds, stops suddenly, and stresses at some point or another as they try and get from point A to point B, on and off the road. And I tend to expect (or at least appreciate) an abundance of grace and forgivenss from others so I better darn well be giving it out all the more!
Too often I drive as though I'm the only one on the road; too often I live as if the world revolves around me. Life is a journey, and we're all at different places... by keeping that in perspective, perhaps I will refrain from bursting with frustration as often (no promises, though.... I'm a pretty forgetful, self-centered person at times)! So next time you see me caught in the traffic on my mind, I welcome you to slap me up silly and remind me there are other drivers too... and we're all on a journey together.
I remember a long time ago mentioning to someone that cars seem to resemble different bugs as they're driving towards you... some have small glowing headlight eyes, others have huge forehead windshields, and others even have weird grid mouths... my 6-year-old brain (I was probably way older, but let's just go with 6 for the sake of my embarassment haha) enjoyed connecting the huge vehicles around me to small, obsolete insects that couldn't harm me at all. The adult I was talking to did not share the same fascination and quickly reprimanded me for such foolish thinking. I was encouraged never to forget that people drive the cars and can do crazy stuff at any moment so you must drive defensively. When you think of cars as bugs, you forget they are operated by people.
So all that came back to me a few days ago as I starred into the faces of drivers coming towards me. Where was she going? From where was he coming? How were they feeling at that very moment? Something clicked in my head- every car has a driver and every driver has a story. I haven't thought of cars as bugs in quite a while, but I also haven't stopped to recognize that each person on the road is at a particular place in life. Perhaps leisurly enjoying the drive while just loving life... or facing frustrating construction and road-work of a difficult situation... maybe sitting through heavy traffic of anxiety and depression... or driving carelessing through the country savoring a sweet breeze of blessings... perhaps navigating through winding, unfamiliar territory... even speeding from one place to the next just to get through life.
When I looked at the faces of the people in the midst of the oncoming traffic, I saw people scarred by the pains of the past, weighed down by the present demands of life, emotionally exhausted from worrying about the future... real people with real problems, not mindless insects driving in perfectly straight lines. Everyone swerves, speeds, stops suddenly, and stresses at some point or another as they try and get from point A to point B, on and off the road. And I tend to expect (or at least appreciate) an abundance of grace and forgivenss from others so I better darn well be giving it out all the more!
Too often I drive as though I'm the only one on the road; too often I live as if the world revolves around me. Life is a journey, and we're all at different places... by keeping that in perspective, perhaps I will refrain from bursting with frustration as often (no promises, though.... I'm a pretty forgetful, self-centered person at times)! So next time you see me caught in the traffic on my mind, I welcome you to slap me up silly and remind me there are other drivers too... and we're all on a journey together.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Entitlement vs. Freedom
Summer is meant to be care-free, relaxing, a nice break. Isn't it? Aren't I entitled to the right to experience the freedom the word summer implies? Many 20-year-olds are filling their schedules with camping trips, beach weekends, spontaneous adventures full of excitement... so I should be able to as well. Right??
Earlier today I was trying to explain the concept of entitlement to a 4-year-old who seemed to think that just because he wanted a new coloring page meant that he deserved to have it. Now, there's a difference between a child's desire to immediate gratification (a.k.a. impatience) as oppsed to an innate instinct to think oneself as deserving of certain rights. I deal with a lot of impatient children who are fairly easy to calm with the reminder of "let's be patient," but I find it much more difficult to address the deeply rooted belief of self-entitlement. Where do they get the idea of "I deserve it"? Better yet, where do I get the idea that I deserve a relaxing summer?
Of course, a typical response is "life isn't fair," but I'm not convinced this is the best answer. Should life be fair? Injustice, anger, frustration, and sadness rage constantly throughout our world. If life was "fair" shouldn't I experience trauma to a much greater degree? I have been blessed with an easy life in comparison to others, and if life was really "fair" I could just as quickly be in a worse situation than I am now as opposed to someone in immense suffering being elevated to a place of overall security. Either case could be deemed "fair," right? Instead of feeling victimized by meager misfortunes, I've been challenged to view injustices as a chance to extend blessings. (Not that I think a busy summer is an "injustice" to me... I've planned my own schedule and determined my own agenda so I really can't complain! I'm just at the point where I wish I would have allowed myself a bit more time to relax... here I face regret, not bitterness towards an injustice).
But sometimes I live with the idea that I am entitled to freedom on all levels just because I see someone else living the way I wish I could live. One author articulted this concept quite well, "That we expect fairness throughout our lives is obvious, but one has to wonder if expecting fairness is really the right way to approach life. The world reeks of unfairness and injustice, and maybe identifying injustice in our journey is part of what makes life such an adventure. I believe that when we identify injustice, God places in our hearts the desire to do something about it. That pulling toward justice is what motivates us to become more involved in the world as caretakers of God’s creation. It’s navigating through those injustices that we have our greatest learning experiences, and often injustice is what strikes the spark in our hearts to find ways to make corrections.
Maybe the reason God put this sense of fairness into our hearts is so that we would look around the world and see all of the injustice and in seeing it, be called to action. If we aren’t called to action, we certainly should be, but it’s true that we sometimes ignore the call or are too busy to notice the inequities that surround us." ~April Terry
I love that Terry encourages others to use the feeling of injustice or frustration as a motivating means of action. I would like to emphasize, however, that a desire for fairness should also cause us to evaluate if we really want life to be fair. When I realize what I truly am "entitled" to based on the wretched sins I've committed, the disdainful attitudes I've held, the corruptness of my mind... I deserve to be punished. Forever. But I have been given GRACE. Through Christ's power enabling me to set aside my pride, I have accepted that grace.
The freedom that summer often implies echos an idealistic, skewed perception of reality. By recognizing what I deserve and acknowleding the beauty of what I have been given instead elicits an undescribable and insurmountable joy. Now I can live in Freedom.
Earlier today I was trying to explain the concept of entitlement to a 4-year-old who seemed to think that just because he wanted a new coloring page meant that he deserved to have it. Now, there's a difference between a child's desire to immediate gratification (a.k.a. impatience) as oppsed to an innate instinct to think oneself as deserving of certain rights. I deal with a lot of impatient children who are fairly easy to calm with the reminder of "let's be patient," but I find it much more difficult to address the deeply rooted belief of self-entitlement. Where do they get the idea of "I deserve it"? Better yet, where do I get the idea that I deserve a relaxing summer?
Of course, a typical response is "life isn't fair," but I'm not convinced this is the best answer. Should life be fair? Injustice, anger, frustration, and sadness rage constantly throughout our world. If life was "fair" shouldn't I experience trauma to a much greater degree? I have been blessed with an easy life in comparison to others, and if life was really "fair" I could just as quickly be in a worse situation than I am now as opposed to someone in immense suffering being elevated to a place of overall security. Either case could be deemed "fair," right? Instead of feeling victimized by meager misfortunes, I've been challenged to view injustices as a chance to extend blessings. (Not that I think a busy summer is an "injustice" to me... I've planned my own schedule and determined my own agenda so I really can't complain! I'm just at the point where I wish I would have allowed myself a bit more time to relax... here I face regret, not bitterness towards an injustice).
But sometimes I live with the idea that I am entitled to freedom on all levels just because I see someone else living the way I wish I could live. One author articulted this concept quite well, "That we expect fairness throughout our lives is obvious, but one has to wonder if expecting fairness is really the right way to approach life. The world reeks of unfairness and injustice, and maybe identifying injustice in our journey is part of what makes life such an adventure. I believe that when we identify injustice, God places in our hearts the desire to do something about it. That pulling toward justice is what motivates us to become more involved in the world as caretakers of God’s creation. It’s navigating through those injustices that we have our greatest learning experiences, and often injustice is what strikes the spark in our hearts to find ways to make corrections.
Maybe the reason God put this sense of fairness into our hearts is so that we would look around the world and see all of the injustice and in seeing it, be called to action. If we aren’t called to action, we certainly should be, but it’s true that we sometimes ignore the call or are too busy to notice the inequities that surround us." ~April Terry
I love that Terry encourages others to use the feeling of injustice or frustration as a motivating means of action. I would like to emphasize, however, that a desire for fairness should also cause us to evaluate if we really want life to be fair. When I realize what I truly am "entitled" to based on the wretched sins I've committed, the disdainful attitudes I've held, the corruptness of my mind... I deserve to be punished. Forever. But I have been given GRACE. Through Christ's power enabling me to set aside my pride, I have accepted that grace.
The freedom that summer often implies echos an idealistic, skewed perception of reality. By recognizing what I deserve and acknowleding the beauty of what I have been given instead elicits an undescribable and insurmountable joy. Now I can live in Freedom.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
When life gives you lemons...
Throw lemons back in life's face and say (nicely), "I don't want your stinkin lemons!"
Isn't that how that phrase should really end?? That whole "make lemonade" comeback is starting to get to me. I'm tired of optimism. Sometimes life is sour, difficult, unrelentingly painful... and I don't want to make lemonade- I just want to get rid of the lemons!
I've always considered myself an optimistic person, which I thought was a good thing. But, I'm reazling that "fakeness" is easy to cover under the label of "optimism." I don't really believe everything will be okay, but I slap a cheesy smile on my face and go about my day as if everything is peachy-keen. Why?
1. I'm afraid. (Of allowing myself to experience pain, afraid of dealing with how the pain will change my actions, afraid of being vulnerable)
2. I'm embarrassed. (Of others really knowing how I feel... of being judged)
3. It's the easy way out. (It's much easier to feign happiness than to choose true joy in the midst of a painful situation)
Now, don't hear me wrong... I'm still all for optimism. But there needs to be a balance of optimism and realism in order to optimism to be real. (that probably sounds like the most ridiculous sentence, but it makes sense to me haha). Unless optimism is grounded on truth (sometime real) and balanced with an appropriate view of reality, its deceptive fakeness will eat you alive. Eventually you'll get tired of being "optimistically" fake and chances are you'll flop to the other extreme- negatively-focused, irrational, self-destroying pessimism.
It's frustrating how hard it is to be real with people. Even worse, it's often hard to be real with yourself. If you allow yourself to admit you're hurting, chances are someone else will find out too. So sometimes it's easier not to let yourself even go there. Just fake a grin and tell yourself it'll be okay. At least that's what I've done too many times... However, that skewed view of "optimism" has unleashed a destructive demon that tells me only to look at the "positives," even if they aren't real, and to never look at anything "negative," even if it is real. I've ended up trying to convince myself that "making lemonade" means pulling some perfectly happy idea out of thin air and avoiding anything difficult altogether. But that's not healthy.
It's okay to feel like throwing lemons back in life's face... but it's important to know you can't. It's also okay to focus on the positive things that are present... but not to deceive yourself into thinking only the positives exist. In the end, recognize reality and do whatever you want with those stinkin lemons. Just let yourself be real with you and others.
Isn't that how that phrase should really end?? That whole "make lemonade" comeback is starting to get to me. I'm tired of optimism. Sometimes life is sour, difficult, unrelentingly painful... and I don't want to make lemonade- I just want to get rid of the lemons!
I've always considered myself an optimistic person, which I thought was a good thing. But, I'm reazling that "fakeness" is easy to cover under the label of "optimism." I don't really believe everything will be okay, but I slap a cheesy smile on my face and go about my day as if everything is peachy-keen. Why?
1. I'm afraid. (Of allowing myself to experience pain, afraid of dealing with how the pain will change my actions, afraid of being vulnerable)
2. I'm embarrassed. (Of others really knowing how I feel... of being judged)
3. It's the easy way out. (It's much easier to feign happiness than to choose true joy in the midst of a painful situation)
Now, don't hear me wrong... I'm still all for optimism. But there needs to be a balance of optimism and realism in order to optimism to be real. (that probably sounds like the most ridiculous sentence, but it makes sense to me haha). Unless optimism is grounded on truth (sometime real) and balanced with an appropriate view of reality, its deceptive fakeness will eat you alive. Eventually you'll get tired of being "optimistically" fake and chances are you'll flop to the other extreme- negatively-focused, irrational, self-destroying pessimism.
It's frustrating how hard it is to be real with people. Even worse, it's often hard to be real with yourself. If you allow yourself to admit you're hurting, chances are someone else will find out too. So sometimes it's easier not to let yourself even go there. Just fake a grin and tell yourself it'll be okay. At least that's what I've done too many times... However, that skewed view of "optimism" has unleashed a destructive demon that tells me only to look at the "positives," even if they aren't real, and to never look at anything "negative," even if it is real. I've ended up trying to convince myself that "making lemonade" means pulling some perfectly happy idea out of thin air and avoiding anything difficult altogether. But that's not healthy.
It's okay to feel like throwing lemons back in life's face... but it's important to know you can't. It's also okay to focus on the positive things that are present... but not to deceive yourself into thinking only the positives exist. In the end, recognize reality and do whatever you want with those stinkin lemons. Just let yourself be real with you and others.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Fear
Thought-distorting,
Vision-blurring,
All-consuming Fear
Seeps into the mind of her prey,
Constricting every ounce of Courage around.
After lying dormant in the depths of the darkness,
Fear is aroused.
She steals Joy.
She squanders Peace.
And she silences all of Reason's voice
Instantly.
Slipping into every thought and emotion,
Fear proceeds to grow exponentially,
Feigning Truth as she manipulates her victim.
Fuelled by Doubt, Worry, and Deceit,
She burns her mark on everything.
The time for victory has arrived,
The wounds she creates cannot be repaired.
Fear not only lives in the present,
She's foreshadowed in the future
And reflected in the past.
She cannot be removed.
Until Love arrives.
Thought-repairing,
Vision-clearing,
All-consuming Love
Breaks through the barriers of her beloved,
Casting Fear to her death.
Love is here to stay.
1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Honey Bucket
Every time I'm driving and I see a Honey Bucket (outhouse) on the side of the road, I just have to chuckle. HONEY BUCKET?? Really? That phrase makes for such a gross picture in my head, I can't even tell you. But, I do suppose it's clever euphemism.
Have you ever felt like a honey bucket yourself? (Don't over-think that one, please!) I just mean... have you ever tried to put on a sweet external facade when inside you're melting with fear, bursting with anger, or just wanting to collapse? Hiding your true emotions from people who care about you is one of the most frustrating things to try and do... so why do we do it so often?
Fear of rejection? Inner turmoil? Negative self-deprecation? Embarrassment? I could probably keep going for there isn't one answer all the time. But none of the answers are good reasons; they're real, yes, but not good. (Okay the only one I can come up with that's acceptable- politeness... I understand there are some times it's necessary to put on a professional front when you're falling apart inside... but right now I'm talking about why aren't we real with people who know us and care about us?) There are even times I peg people as untrustworthy, but I think this can be just another excuse. More often than not, fear of vulnerability is deeper rooted... especially with close friends who I know I can trust.
It seems to come down to lack of something. I've heard it called many things- loving yourself, being happy with who you are, personal acceptance... but I've never really liked any of those terms. There will always be things I dislike about myself and seek to change/grow in, so the satisfaction of self must go deeper than personality and character (things that are dynamic).
To me, it makes more sense to identify the thing missing as self-worth. From where you gather this self-worth, however, varies. As a Christian, I am able to find unchanging self-worth in the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. I know how unworthy I am as an individual apart from Christ (my rebellious heart, destructive thoughts, harmful actions), but I also know I don't have to be identified by my sinful nature.
Paul beautifully addresses this paradox in Romans 8: 9-17....
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
If you didn't read all of that, the jist is that identification with Christ by means of the Holy Spirit brings life. Grab on to the reigns of worth attached directly to the author of Life.
Oh how there are times where I feel like I'm rotting inside... and in these times I dare not let anyone in. My head screams with pain trying to escape while my face protects a smile; a lifted chin and pulled back shoulders attempt to hide a crying heart. I cling to the honey-bucket of my old self rather than claiming present identity in my Savior.
When I hold fast to Jesus, I have no excuse to hide behind a smile. There is no fear, embarrassment, or disappointment when I see myself as God sees me- covered by the blood of the Lamb, righteous and pure in Him.
Have you ever felt like a honey bucket yourself? (Don't over-think that one, please!) I just mean... have you ever tried to put on a sweet external facade when inside you're melting with fear, bursting with anger, or just wanting to collapse? Hiding your true emotions from people who care about you is one of the most frustrating things to try and do... so why do we do it so often?
Fear of rejection? Inner turmoil? Negative self-deprecation? Embarrassment? I could probably keep going for there isn't one answer all the time. But none of the answers are good reasons; they're real, yes, but not good. (Okay the only one I can come up with that's acceptable- politeness... I understand there are some times it's necessary to put on a professional front when you're falling apart inside... but right now I'm talking about why aren't we real with people who know us and care about us?) There are even times I peg people as untrustworthy, but I think this can be just another excuse. More often than not, fear of vulnerability is deeper rooted... especially with close friends who I know I can trust.
It seems to come down to lack of something. I've heard it called many things- loving yourself, being happy with who you are, personal acceptance... but I've never really liked any of those terms. There will always be things I dislike about myself and seek to change/grow in, so the satisfaction of self must go deeper than personality and character (things that are dynamic).
To me, it makes more sense to identify the thing missing as self-worth. From where you gather this self-worth, however, varies. As a Christian, I am able to find unchanging self-worth in the presence of the Holy Spirit within me. I know how unworthy I am as an individual apart from Christ (my rebellious heart, destructive thoughts, harmful actions), but I also know I don't have to be identified by my sinful nature.
Paul beautifully addresses this paradox in Romans 8: 9-17....
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
If you didn't read all of that, the jist is that identification with Christ by means of the Holy Spirit brings life. Grab on to the reigns of worth attached directly to the author of Life.
Oh how there are times where I feel like I'm rotting inside... and in these times I dare not let anyone in. My head screams with pain trying to escape while my face protects a smile; a lifted chin and pulled back shoulders attempt to hide a crying heart. I cling to the honey-bucket of my old self rather than claiming present identity in my Savior.
When I hold fast to Jesus, I have no excuse to hide behind a smile. There is no fear, embarrassment, or disappointment when I see myself as God sees me- covered by the blood of the Lamb, righteous and pure in Him.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Stop and Smell the Roses
Today on my way to an early babysitting job, I saw a hardcore runner on the side of the road. With sweat dripping down his face and muscles flexing throughout his spandex-stricken legs, I knew this guy was the real deal (did I mention it was before 7:00 am?? Hardcore, right?!). However, he was not running as I drove by. Instead, he was stopped in the midst of a neighbor's lawn... just smelling their roses... Now, when I go running, it's not uncommon for me to stop randomly for any kind of distraction- just for the sake of stopping! This guy, though, didn't appear to practice the art of stalling as I so often do. But for some reason, he considered these roses to be reason enough to stop. The joy found through a couple sniffs of nature's potpourri was worth the brief pause.
I guess I haven't thought about the phrase, "stop and smell the roses," in a while (probably because I rarely heed that advice). But the extremely literal analogy the roses-smelling runner provided this morning challenged me to re-evaluate how I can apply that phrase to my life.
I've written before about "being still," but I'm realizing what you do with that stillness is important too. I think at times I've used that desire to be still as an excuse to do nothing (at least nothing of any value to me or to others), but being still most definitely does not need to mean wasting time. Why not use the time of stillness as a time to reflect on personal challenges or growth, ponder how to edify others, focus on positive goals for the future, face inner struggles you haven't really wanted to face, or just chat it up with Jesus? You can't ever fully turn your mind off, but you can always turn it toward something good.
Times of rest don't need to be used in vain... instead of just stopping, why not stop and do something? Clearly not something physically exhausting (you can still REST), but something that will bring you and others joy.... like smelling roses =)
I guess I haven't thought about the phrase, "stop and smell the roses," in a while (probably because I rarely heed that advice). But the extremely literal analogy the roses-smelling runner provided this morning challenged me to re-evaluate how I can apply that phrase to my life.
I've written before about "being still," but I'm realizing what you do with that stillness is important too. I think at times I've used that desire to be still as an excuse to do nothing (at least nothing of any value to me or to others), but being still most definitely does not need to mean wasting time. Why not use the time of stillness as a time to reflect on personal challenges or growth, ponder how to edify others, focus on positive goals for the future, face inner struggles you haven't really wanted to face, or just chat it up with Jesus? You can't ever fully turn your mind off, but you can always turn it toward something good.
Times of rest don't need to be used in vain... instead of just stopping, why not stop and do something? Clearly not something physically exhausting (you can still REST), but something that will bring you and others joy.... like smelling roses =)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
First Impressions
I've been thinking a lot about how I view others... I try not to be a judgemental person, but what does that mean anyway? Isn't it natural to make judgements (or to form opinions) based on a person's actions, words, body language, and so on? I mean, you can't really help but form an opinion, right? (good or bad) And how do first impressions relate to being judgemental? Are they as important as people make them out to be? How often has a first impression of someone you've met proven to be an accurate depiction of their true character?
In my opinion, first impressions are important because they shape your bias. They don't completely shape your long-term definition of a person, but they certainly shape the way you view them from the get-go. Can first impressions change? Nope (you can't go back and develop a new FIRST impression.. duh). But your opinion of a person can, of course, change over time as you get to know someone more.
I'm struggling, however, with the difference between simply forming an opinion about another individual versus being judgemental (in the negative sense) towards someone. It seems to me that being judgemental entails more of "putting someone in a box," limiting your view of their capabilities, determining what they can or cannot do by their current circumstances or past reputation.... Forming an opinion of someone, on the other hand, has more to do with settling on a description of the person's character and personality based on his or her actions.
So back to the thing about first impressions. Too many times I've allowed first impressions to negatively shape not only how I view a person but how I interact with them for an extended period of time, perhaps as long as I've known them. Thoughts such as this person didn't grow up the same way I did so of course we'll never be friends have resulted in vacant friendships. In hope of being "guarded" I've ended up acting better than others rather than seeing them as Christ sees them. On the flip side, thoughts like this person is way too cool to ever be friends with me have deterred me from meeting some great people. I've allowed myself to be overly intimidated by my view of others, while calling this "humility," and haven't accepted their friendship. These approaches result in feelings of both pride and worthlessness within myself and towards others.
First impressions certainly have a place and can't really be avoided, but I've come to the point where I realize I cannot put too much weight on them. How much is too much? I have no idea. But I'm confident that by keeping a a balance of an open mind and guardedness, I will meet people and develop friendships that I would have missed out on otherwise. There isn't some magic formula on what that balance is, so I will move forward in caution and courage nonetheless.
Want a friend? Be a friend first.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Somebody to Love??
I'm a huge Queen fan (thanks, Mom!), and I've always liked their song Somebody to Love. Recently, though, I've seen/heard it in a new light...
I have a bit of a confession =) Normally I don't watch TV, let alone watch ridiculous shows... but I have unfortunately watched every episode of this season's bachelorette! Haha! Sadly, I made the mistake of watching the first episode a few weeks ago (or whenever it came out), and I've been hooked ever since. Before I spit out too many negative remarks, I do want to recognize that I can only perceive the cast as the producers present them. I'm sure there are some wonderful individuals among the show's cast, and I don't mean to judge any of them too harshly. However, the way the are presented and the values emphasized in the show tend to rub me the wrong way. I'm sorry if I come across as incredibly rude (and don't think I'm judging you if you watch the show either haha it's certainly entertaining)!
Anyway... all that preface to say I really don't like the show! How it portrays love, the emphasis on appearances, the shallowness of what it values... it's all so empty.
I knew I should have turned it off after episode 1. After watching the young woman meet 25 single men and hearing the cast evaluate each other's appearances time after time after time, I was struck by the narrowness of the criteria (both of the bachelorette and her suitors). Not one cast member failed to mention physical appearance of the others, expect the creeper who wore a black mask for the first week or two (I get what he was trying to do, but I'm not sure if he went about it in an appropriate manner). Ultimately, it seemed to be a fairly superficial first episode, but I just had to watch the next one =).
As the show progressed, I saw the individuals unguardedly begin to "fall for each other" and allow themselves to get swept away solely by emotion. Each individual seemed to be looking for "true love" but ultimately defined love as a warm, fuzzy feeling. I've yet to hear anyone mention respect, commitment, integrity, understanding, or even faithfulness as valuable aspects of a future relationship. They just want to FEEL a connection.
The tricky thing with a feeling, though, is that it will undoubtedly fade or change over time. You cannot base your life on how you feel- it's not fair to you or to others around you. Are feelings important? Yes! Should we be sensitive to them (both of ourselves and of others)? Of course! But let's not let them supersede reality, truth, or wisdom. (I don't really want to get in to the logistics of trusting our feelings or not... it still boggles my brain. I don't believe there is an accurate cookie cutter answer lol but here I go getting super side-tracked again. Thank for your patience)!
Back to the bachelorette... as I watched both group dates and one-on-ones, the depth of the relationships saddened me. It really doesn't seem like the girl is getting to know the true character of her bachelors nor are the men seeing the bachelorette for who she truly is. Even while going through an emotionally exhausting few weeks, the bachelorette shied away from sharing the reality of her pain with anyone else (okay, well, I might instinctively do the same so I'm not trying to judge... at the same time, though, I don't see how you can expect to get to know someone else unless you first become a bit vulnerable yourself). It almost seems like the viewers know the cast better than they know each other! And the bachelorette is really looking for a ring at the end of this brief season? Is she that desperate to find "true love" and "settle down with that special someone"? It kinda seems like she might be rushing things a bit!
As I've watched myself get sucked into this show, I've been challenged to re-evaluate how I define love. Am I really wanting God to bring into my life someone for me to love, or am I simply searching for someone to love me. Until I can honestly answer the first part with a definite yes, I'm not ready to meet that "special someone."I will never be able to find another human who will be able to love me unconditionally exactly for who I am (sheesh I can't even love myself for who I truly am so I could never expect someone else to!), yet part of me is still looking to be loved rather than to love. Deep down, I know that I can confidently rest in the truth that I will always be loved by my Creator... I don't NEED unconditional love from another finite being. I'm loved enough as it is =). Now, I just have to live that out.
Perhaps I will eventually seek to love another as my Lord loves me, knowing only through Christ in me can I show true love. Someday, I just might find somebody to love.
I have a bit of a confession =) Normally I don't watch TV, let alone watch ridiculous shows... but I have unfortunately watched every episode of this season's bachelorette! Haha! Sadly, I made the mistake of watching the first episode a few weeks ago (or whenever it came out), and I've been hooked ever since. Before I spit out too many negative remarks, I do want to recognize that I can only perceive the cast as the producers present them. I'm sure there are some wonderful individuals among the show's cast, and I don't mean to judge any of them too harshly. However, the way the are presented and the values emphasized in the show tend to rub me the wrong way. I'm sorry if I come across as incredibly rude (and don't think I'm judging you if you watch the show either haha it's certainly entertaining)!
Anyway... all that preface to say I really don't like the show! How it portrays love, the emphasis on appearances, the shallowness of what it values... it's all so empty.
I knew I should have turned it off after episode 1. After watching the young woman meet 25 single men and hearing the cast evaluate each other's appearances time after time after time, I was struck by the narrowness of the criteria (both of the bachelorette and her suitors). Not one cast member failed to mention physical appearance of the others, expect the creeper who wore a black mask for the first week or two (I get what he was trying to do, but I'm not sure if he went about it in an appropriate manner). Ultimately, it seemed to be a fairly superficial first episode, but I just had to watch the next one =).
As the show progressed, I saw the individuals unguardedly begin to "fall for each other" and allow themselves to get swept away solely by emotion. Each individual seemed to be looking for "true love" but ultimately defined love as a warm, fuzzy feeling. I've yet to hear anyone mention respect, commitment, integrity, understanding, or even faithfulness as valuable aspects of a future relationship. They just want to FEEL a connection.
The tricky thing with a feeling, though, is that it will undoubtedly fade or change over time. You cannot base your life on how you feel- it's not fair to you or to others around you. Are feelings important? Yes! Should we be sensitive to them (both of ourselves and of others)? Of course! But let's not let them supersede reality, truth, or wisdom. (I don't really want to get in to the logistics of trusting our feelings or not... it still boggles my brain. I don't believe there is an accurate cookie cutter answer lol but here I go getting super side-tracked again. Thank for your patience)!
Back to the bachelorette... as I watched both group dates and one-on-ones, the depth of the relationships saddened me. It really doesn't seem like the girl is getting to know the true character of her bachelors nor are the men seeing the bachelorette for who she truly is. Even while going through an emotionally exhausting few weeks, the bachelorette shied away from sharing the reality of her pain with anyone else (okay, well, I might instinctively do the same so I'm not trying to judge... at the same time, though, I don't see how you can expect to get to know someone else unless you first become a bit vulnerable yourself). It almost seems like the viewers know the cast better than they know each other! And the bachelorette is really looking for a ring at the end of this brief season? Is she that desperate to find "true love" and "settle down with that special someone"? It kinda seems like she might be rushing things a bit!
As I've watched myself get sucked into this show, I've been challenged to re-evaluate how I define love. Am I really wanting God to bring into my life someone for me to love, or am I simply searching for someone to love me. Until I can honestly answer the first part with a definite yes, I'm not ready to meet that "special someone."I will never be able to find another human who will be able to love me unconditionally exactly for who I am (sheesh I can't even love myself for who I truly am so I could never expect someone else to!), yet part of me is still looking to be loved rather than to love. Deep down, I know that I can confidently rest in the truth that I will always be loved by my Creator... I don't NEED unconditional love from another finite being. I'm loved enough as it is =). Now, I just have to live that out.
Perhaps I will eventually seek to love another as my Lord loves me, knowing only through Christ in me can I show true love. Someday, I just might find somebody to love.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Life doesn't stop
Don't you sometimes wish there was a "pause" button on life?? Those times you want to enjoy the sunset for a few more minutes, or watch the clock stay at 7:15 while you sip your coffee for a whole hour, or even so you can linger a little longer with a loved one just enjoying each other's company? If only you could press "pause" every once in a while and just be. If only.
But, life doesn't work like that. Time keeps going, you keep breathing, and that far-off hour quickly becomes a distant memory. Life doesn't stop.
So, it seems like we have two options:
1. Fight the fact that time keeps moving
2. Choose to rest in the chaos.
If you go with option one, you'll likely become a pretty stressed out individual. I've tried to resist the phenomenon of time progression either by living my life to a scheduled mess (which is miserable) or by mentally and emotionally checking out with things get rough (this doesn't change reality and only adds to long-term stress). When I fall into the routine of scheduling every hour of my day, I miss out on enjoying each moment! (Who really needs to get up at 7:13 am on the dot just so they can spend 37 minutes getting ready and leave at exactly the right time to make it to the coffee shop by precisely 8:09 to be out the door and on to the next thing by 8:15??? That's a bit overkill, hey? And exaggerated, mind you). When I live for my day-planner, I forget to really live.
And then there are those times where I just check out altogether... the stress of homework, friends, family, work, finances, the future... become way too overwhelming when they're piled on top of one another. So, I bail. I lose all confidence that God is giving me the strength to persevere so I quit caring. When I go this route, everyone gets hurt. I get depressed, my family and friends feel neglected, and every task seems outrageously difficult. All reasonable perspective dissipates, and things rapidly spiral downward. Regardless of if I'm "checking out" or obsessing over every detail, I'm fighting the God-ordained beauty of time. Clearly option one is a fail.
So, what's option two? Resting in the chaos- whatever does That mean?? (Um, FYI, I don't exactly have the answer... wheels are turning, though... so, please think through it with me). I want to start by going back to one of my favorite passages- Psalm 46 (yes, I wrote about this is my first blog, but I'm just a big fan! And it's such an applicable passage! Bear with me lol I just included the whole passage for easy reference this time...)
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Now, just take a look at all those italicized phrases- just a tad bit stressful, wouldn't you say? Yet, in even those times of intense chaos, we can choose to stop and be still... knowing that God is God and forever in control. I can't forget that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness (as in 2 Cor. 12:9; I know, I sound like a broken record, but I love this verse too!!!).
But the phrase "resting in chaos" seems to entail more than just head knowledge that it will be okay... or even more than an unrealistic happy-go-lucky attitude... there needs to be some form of positive physical and mental action that takes place. "Rest" is not another form of "checking out"- rather, it entails a re-alignment of perspective, a re-examination of what's truly important, and a re-focus of joy. like how one definition put it, "to be at ease, to have tranquility or peace" (and I would like to add, "regardless of circumstances"). While I can't pause life or even slow situations down, I can allow my mind, heart, and soul to rest in the hand of my Savior... choosing peace even in the turmoils of this time-bound life that never stops.
But, life doesn't work like that. Time keeps going, you keep breathing, and that far-off hour quickly becomes a distant memory. Life doesn't stop.
So, it seems like we have two options:
1. Fight the fact that time keeps moving
2. Choose to rest in the chaos.
If you go with option one, you'll likely become a pretty stressed out individual. I've tried to resist the phenomenon of time progression either by living my life to a scheduled mess (which is miserable) or by mentally and emotionally checking out with things get rough (this doesn't change reality and only adds to long-term stress). When I fall into the routine of scheduling every hour of my day, I miss out on enjoying each moment! (Who really needs to get up at 7:13 am on the dot just so they can spend 37 minutes getting ready and leave at exactly the right time to make it to the coffee shop by precisely 8:09 to be out the door and on to the next thing by 8:15??? That's a bit overkill, hey? And exaggerated, mind you). When I live for my day-planner, I forget to really live.
And then there are those times where I just check out altogether... the stress of homework, friends, family, work, finances, the future... become way too overwhelming when they're piled on top of one another. So, I bail. I lose all confidence that God is giving me the strength to persevere so I quit caring. When I go this route, everyone gets hurt. I get depressed, my family and friends feel neglected, and every task seems outrageously difficult. All reasonable perspective dissipates, and things rapidly spiral downward. Regardless of if I'm "checking out" or obsessing over every detail, I'm fighting the God-ordained beauty of time. Clearly option one is a fail.
So, what's option two? Resting in the chaos- whatever does That mean?? (Um, FYI, I don't exactly have the answer... wheels are turning, though... so, please think through it with me). I want to start by going back to one of my favorite passages- Psalm 46 (yes, I wrote about this is my first blog, but I'm just a big fan! And it's such an applicable passage! Bear with me lol I just included the whole passage for easy reference this time...)
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Now, just take a look at all those italicized phrases- just a tad bit stressful, wouldn't you say? Yet, in even those times of intense chaos, we can choose to stop and be still... knowing that God is God and forever in control. I can't forget that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness (as in 2 Cor. 12:9; I know, I sound like a broken record, but I love this verse too!!!).
But the phrase "resting in chaos" seems to entail more than just head knowledge that it will be okay... or even more than an unrealistic happy-go-lucky attitude... there needs to be some form of positive physical and mental action that takes place. "Rest" is not another form of "checking out"- rather, it entails a re-alignment of perspective, a re-examination of what's truly important, and a re-focus of joy. like how one definition put it, "to be at ease, to have tranquility or peace" (and I would like to add, "regardless of circumstances"). While I can't pause life or even slow situations down, I can allow my mind, heart, and soul to rest in the hand of my Savior... choosing peace even in the turmoils of this time-bound life that never stops.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Addicted to ____
Just a couple of days ago I decided to start off the day with a DECAF coffee!!! My dad was giving me a bad time about needing coffee every morning, and I tried to tell him I just like the taste... I wasn't addicted to the caffeine or anything... It's not like I needed to have it to make it through the day. I just liked it!
So I enjoyed a nice cup of decaf coffee and headed off to work. About two hours into work I started suffering from a splitting headache! Now, this was no minor head pain... I thought either my eyes were going to permanently cross or my head would drop off my neck! At first I thought I just needed some water, but then it hit me- Ahhh I need coffee!!!!!! Just pump the caffeine straight into my blood, and I'll be fine.
I considered taking my lunch early so I could run over to Starbucks (now that's desperation!), but a co-worker was kind enough to get a girly frappuccino for me on his lunch (thank you!!!!). As I rapidly gulped it down, I kept adding hot coffee from the store pot to get my caffeine fix. With every frantic drink, the realization of my addiction sunk in deeper and deeper. Wasn't I just bragging that very morning about not being addicted to coffee?? And here I was desperate for the energy-giving, headache-quenching, bank-breaking, live-saving liquid! You're officially a caffeine adict, Kristina, face it!
It's funny how addictions slowly creep up on you. One day you're moderately endulging in an activity (unhealthy or not) and the next day you feel like you'll surely die if you can't have it/do it/see it/hear it... whatever IT may be. Webster defines "addiction" as follows:
1: the quality or state of being addicted (duh)
So I enjoyed a nice cup of decaf coffee and headed off to work. About two hours into work I started suffering from a splitting headache! Now, this was no minor head pain... I thought either my eyes were going to permanently cross or my head would drop off my neck! At first I thought I just needed some water, but then it hit me- Ahhh I need coffee!!!!!! Just pump the caffeine straight into my blood, and I'll be fine.
I considered taking my lunch early so I could run over to Starbucks (now that's desperation!), but a co-worker was kind enough to get a girly frappuccino for me on his lunch (thank you!!!!). As I rapidly gulped it down, I kept adding hot coffee from the store pot to get my caffeine fix. With every frantic drink, the realization of my addiction sunk in deeper and deeper. Wasn't I just bragging that very morning about not being addicted to coffee?? And here I was desperate for the energy-giving, headache-quenching, bank-breaking, live-saving liquid! You're officially a caffeine adict, Kristina, face it!
It's funny how addictions slowly creep up on you. One day you're moderately endulging in an activity (unhealthy or not) and the next day you feel like you'll surely die if you can't have it/do it/see it/hear it... whatever IT may be. Webster defines "addiction" as follows:
1: the quality or state of being addicted (duh)
2: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction
So, the word generally has a negative connotation, but can it be positive? Well, I suppose you could be addicted to things like reading, running, eating apples... things that won't cause harm to you or others... but is having any addiction really GOOD??
My initial answer was a quick "no, addictions aren't good. ever." I thought that any sort of addiction (whether harmful or not) simply reveals lack of self-control and exposes personal weakness. If you need something to get you through the day, it must be bad. You should only need to rely on yourself.
But I thought about it a little more.... and if I have to rely on MYSELF, I'll fail. I just can't do it! I drive too fast, run over curbs, stumble over my words, get annoyed with others, speak harmfully, live selfishly, make unwise decisions, face insecurities and constant self-doubt... I need something other than myself to rely on (caffeine won't cut it either). God, I pray that something will be YOU.
Basically if I follow Webster's suggestion and define addiction as a "compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal" then what am I addicted to? Oh how I want to be able to answer the question with, "loving Jesus and loving others." But what if it's not? Do I truly live every day as if I'm addicted to Jesus??
Sadly... no. For some reason, it's easy to get caught in the mindset that I am all I need, even when I know I'm not enough. I love how Paul describes this paradox in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He got it! Sometimes we get caught living contrary to what we want (or what the Holy Spirit living within us wants). And ya know what? God loves us anyway. =) Just let that sink in for a minute. The Lord of the universe, the One who made you and holds you together, the One who knows when you sit down and when you stand up, the One who gave you specific passions, desires, and dreams... LOVES YOU... and demonstrated his love by dying for you, raising from the dead, defeating sin, and offering to live in you for the rest of time. Is that addiction? No, that's love.
So what are you addicted to?
God, I pray you will instill a passion within me to love you and to love others. Make me addicted to YOU always.
Basically if I follow Webster's suggestion and define addiction as a "compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal" then what am I addicted to? Oh how I want to be able to answer the question with, "loving Jesus and loving others." But what if it's not? Do I truly live every day as if I'm addicted to Jesus??
Sadly... no. For some reason, it's easy to get caught in the mindset that I am all I need, even when I know I'm not enough. I love how Paul describes this paradox in Romans 7:15, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He got it! Sometimes we get caught living contrary to what we want (or what the Holy Spirit living within us wants). And ya know what? God loves us anyway. =) Just let that sink in for a minute. The Lord of the universe, the One who made you and holds you together, the One who knows when you sit down and when you stand up, the One who gave you specific passions, desires, and dreams... LOVES YOU... and demonstrated his love by dying for you, raising from the dead, defeating sin, and offering to live in you for the rest of time. Is that addiction? No, that's love.
So what are you addicted to?
God, I pray you will instill a passion within me to love you and to love others. Make me addicted to YOU always.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Learning from Little Ones
Mark 10:13-16 "People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them."
This passage was always special when I was a child, but it's even more profound now that I'm older. Oh, to see the world through the eyes of a 5-year-old! Their scope of time, satisfaction in little things (like silly faces or funny noises), dependence on others... we have a lot we can learn from little ones. I just spent over 3 hours babysitting a little girl who was completely entertained by her imagination alone! Her array of "sisters" and friends all over the house, the different planets she was from, the variety of languages she spoke (including cotton-candy and Texas!), and the amount of time she could spent dancing in one room to her own music just amazed me! She didn't need to be watching a movie, playing a board game, or even doing a craft to have fun. She found joy in being herself.
I remember an hour feeling like a lifetime when I was little. And one whole day- well that was an eternity! Now, I'm constantly checking my schedule tyring to remember what I have planned next... I frequently forget to stop and just be. The little kids I know don't often discuss their upcoming agenda... they do relate humorous stories of the past few days or things they saw an hour earlier, but they don't constantly await the next thing on their to-do list. They just enjoy the moment! I love the phrase Carpe Diem ("seize the day"), but it's almost counterintuitive to actually live with this mindset (at least for me... it's probably easy for some to take this idea to the other exteme and only "live in the moment" without having any concept of future consquences). Which side do you fall on?
Tonight I was also reminded to find joy in little things. One funny face or slightest hint of an alien voice and S burst into hysterical laughter! It often takes a little more than that to make me laugh. Now, I'm not saying we should all have a 5-year-old's sense of humor, but perhaps we could at least appreciate the joy that kids find in the silliest of things (even when we don't find them funny). I'm learning to enjoy watching others laugh and be encouraged by their outward display of inward joy... I often get annoyed when people laugh at things I don't think are necessarily funny, but maybe I could just be glad they are having a good time and personally find joy in their satisfaction.
Back to the verses, though... one application of this passage relates to our willingness to be dependent. Kids know they need help reaching the cup, tying their shoes, brushing their teeth, remembering their homework... and they aren't afraid to ask for help. Of course, they will/should exercise more and more indepence as they grow, but they aren't afraid of relying on someone else. They don't see it as a sign of weakness as we do. I think there's a difference in knowing your limitations and being wise about asking for guidance versus allowing yourself to wallow in selfish dependence on others for things you are capable of doing.
Well, I could ramble for a lot longer, but I won't. Remember... if you haven't spent any time around children lately, you should! We can learn from everyone!
This passage was always special when I was a child, but it's even more profound now that I'm older. Oh, to see the world through the eyes of a 5-year-old! Their scope of time, satisfaction in little things (like silly faces or funny noises), dependence on others... we have a lot we can learn from little ones. I just spent over 3 hours babysitting a little girl who was completely entertained by her imagination alone! Her array of "sisters" and friends all over the house, the different planets she was from, the variety of languages she spoke (including cotton-candy and Texas!), and the amount of time she could spent dancing in one room to her own music just amazed me! She didn't need to be watching a movie, playing a board game, or even doing a craft to have fun. She found joy in being herself.
I remember an hour feeling like a lifetime when I was little. And one whole day- well that was an eternity! Now, I'm constantly checking my schedule tyring to remember what I have planned next... I frequently forget to stop and just be. The little kids I know don't often discuss their upcoming agenda... they do relate humorous stories of the past few days or things they saw an hour earlier, but they don't constantly await the next thing on their to-do list. They just enjoy the moment! I love the phrase Carpe Diem ("seize the day"), but it's almost counterintuitive to actually live with this mindset (at least for me... it's probably easy for some to take this idea to the other exteme and only "live in the moment" without having any concept of future consquences). Which side do you fall on?
Tonight I was also reminded to find joy in little things. One funny face or slightest hint of an alien voice and S burst into hysterical laughter! It often takes a little more than that to make me laugh. Now, I'm not saying we should all have a 5-year-old's sense of humor, but perhaps we could at least appreciate the joy that kids find in the silliest of things (even when we don't find them funny). I'm learning to enjoy watching others laugh and be encouraged by their outward display of inward joy... I often get annoyed when people laugh at things I don't think are necessarily funny, but maybe I could just be glad they are having a good time and personally find joy in their satisfaction.
Back to the verses, though... one application of this passage relates to our willingness to be dependent. Kids know they need help reaching the cup, tying their shoes, brushing their teeth, remembering their homework... and they aren't afraid to ask for help. Of course, they will/should exercise more and more indepence as they grow, but they aren't afraid of relying on someone else. They don't see it as a sign of weakness as we do. I think there's a difference in knowing your limitations and being wise about asking for guidance versus allowing yourself to wallow in selfish dependence on others for things you are capable of doing.
Well, I could ramble for a lot longer, but I won't. Remember... if you haven't spent any time around children lately, you should! We can learn from everyone!
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